BPDFamily.com

https://www.quora.com/Why-is-it-so-hard-to-get-over-a-person-with-borderline-personality-disorder/answer/Molly-Dooker?ch=10&share=48cd7be7&srid=hh1AZ

Anther one, from the perspective of a BPD:


https://www.quora.com/Why-are-people-suffering-from-borderline-personality-the-smartest-and-most-sweetest-people-youll-ever-meet/answer/Kimbriana-Beavers?ch=10&share=7d5695a2&srid=hh1AZ

Another great one, so accurate it's painful to read:


https://www.quora.com/Can-a-person-who-has-been-discarded-by-a-PWBPD-ever-win-them-back/answer/Karl-Mark-12?ch=10&share=b9bdbee0&srid=hh1AZ

Dazed, thanks for sharing

I found the first reminded me of Shreiber's writing style but what mostly came across here is a lot of anger being expressed.

Kimbriana Beaver's claims that borderlines are the smartest and sweetest people youll ever meet she then goes on to seemingly contradict herself by saying this;

It is not fair to objectify anyone based on one piece of all of who they are.

A lot of her tone is patronising as much as it is self-aggrandaising.

I try to always stay centred and stick to the medical literature and avoid such blog style stuff. The reason for that is, when reading a lot of them over time as I have done, it is almost virus like in how a sort of "new BPD" has become formed by the aggregation of all the non science based literature, people absorb the parts they want to (isnt this what so many who claim to have BPD also say they do)? and then self-define themselves via having learned some 'BPD' buzzwords from others.

Dazed, I read these articles far different than I did when I was hurt and confused at the time, both of them promote emotional based reactions and both of them come from sources where I can point out the motive for why they wrote this and there is some common ground here. It is not for the reader's benefit or to make them understand better, it is for their own needs.

I gave these blogs from people who I have no idea who they are a wide berth in recovery. I felt betrayed and had been lied to from BPDx, lets leave it at that, the trust was gone and thats that. "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..."

Why on earth would I put much value in an article that from the outset tells me how "most intelligent and beguiling" type of person they are - then expects any of it to be taking on board and believed.

Why are we so charming, helpful, delightful, sweet, and always so curious about you, or learning something new?

Nothing special here, mystical, or specific to BPD, these traits I have had in every relationship prior. In her attempt to provide an answer she contradicts herself so often by pointing out that others are wrong to generalise, and then does so herself.

beguiling wit, intelligence, and amazingly selfless compassion, also comes… the fury.

fury is a good word but not the opposite of any of the aforementioned things, she claims here. Interesting choice again to promote how intelligent she is, that BPD is polarised, but somehow in all of this the intelligence part does not get turned upside down.

Our keen perceptions and hypervigilance we applied when we were learning about you, becomes the double edged sword of a tongue we will lay you open with.

Oh god, keep rubbing it in.

I once read a different blog that said if you put someone with BPD on an island by themselves, they will eventually become cured and become a narcissist. Maybe this has happened to Kimbriana.

I hear you Cromwell, that is exactly why I take sources from different perspectives. Another interesting things are the people affected with BPD, almost exclusively women, who are responding to this answers, they are all copy-carbon from one another and it's like hearing my ex pwBPD again,nun substance it's:
Me, me, me, you hurt us, you stigmatize us, you generalise us but most of all, me, me, me ,me, we emotionally destroy people? Yeah sure, big deal, but what about me?

The last one I post feel sless aggressive than the first one but the core of it still applies to my experience accurately. I mean, if Imllok back everything is there, the mirroring of personality, hobbies and even sexual preferences, the behaviour post-discard, the glimpses of occasional behaviour, everything is there. I try and try to find something that would tell me, you see with her it's not completely like but no, there is absolutely nothing it's like that 100%.
Everything she told me, everything was a giant comedy and that's ok, I accepted it now. The fact we loved our ex pwBPD so much and why it is so hard for us to move on is because they showed us the exact illusion of what we crave for, but not only from a partner but also from ourselves. Until it's not clear in our minds that it was all an illusion and that we were no morw than a supply for someone we're not getting out of it.
That's also why, I don't really agree with some answers I can see on this board, I think some people tend to treat the relationship with a BPD like a normal one. For me it's wrong, we dealt with mentally ill people not relatively healthy ones. I take the case of Yuke here who was considering writting back to her ex BPD to appolgy... Someone should have explained her plain and simple why the only idea of it did not make any sense, that the girl she once loved is gone forever and wasn't actually even there in the first place. Sufferers have to understand it's not their fault and that there is no coming back, the only way is forward and only forward.

Lastly, there are so many of us out here that know EXACTLY what you're going through. You are not alone.
Karl Mark BPD relationship survivor in progress.

Who knows what Karl thinks today, maybe he wrote this stuff whilst drunk? Ive done stuff like this Dazed, it can also set of an emotional cascade in others who are receptive to it and vulnerable to it.

Keep in mind that none of this has been tailor made for us Dazed, although we can read it and make it appear as if it has, it is his own opinion but he has written it in a way so as if to imply he has discovered some universal truths and unlocked the mysteries. It is, in my opinion, quite patronising and full of emotive laden prose, all 3 accounts I suspect are a form of outlet - for the author - more than what on the surface appears to be distilling anything to help the reader and competently address and validate their unique situation, their invidualism. It is a bit of "us and them" join the club - you are not alone and with that I read it as implying that you also can not manage alone and need Karl and company (who is in progress himself) to join you along the way.

I read every message or article and the thing that I keep in the back of mind throughout (which counter-acts the 100% agreement factor) is.

"ok, now what have you missed out?"

I apply it to my own too Dazed. I always end up reflecting and finding something, I always manage to find that I have missed something out.

Sounds to me as if what is missing out on so much what you are reading is as you have recognised; "What about me?" daze507 - you said yourself, your experience has been very much a listener to the plight of others - how about we change this? it seems itself to be important point?

All this trying to find a meta narrative based on drawing together all these sources. Yet What is still missing? What is left out? where is daze507's time to give him a listening ear to the unique circumstances, unique persons and hear whatever it is youd like to share about this. Feel free to, I can only say that it helped me.

…her goal is to fortify her skewed narrative as a means towards her own self preservation. Karl Marks

I thought this was a good point in the article id like to expand on, to be wary of skewed narratives, and guard against our own as much as assume that other's have theirs. When it comes to "100%" all that it takes to alter is one person to point out a single part that does not match up, sort of a job of a prosecutors job is to simply find one piece in a testimony, one single lie, from there it can be house of cards fall down where the rest of it gets questioned as credible.

So going 100% or "all in" is a risky thing to do, at least a lesson I learned for myself daze507 - I try as much as possible to see this emotionally charged stimuli and not get carried along, however plausible it is, however much it can get me swayed. It is easier now than if I was writing to you 6months ago, or a year ago, "in progress" and my views have been subject to continual change along this journey.

I understand what you say Cromwell but in all honesty, I am over the fact that it's not 100% the same. What is important is that the fundamentals are the same, as they are the same for many of us.
The main thing is that she split me black and I am dead to her and you know it's how that works, there is no maybe here it's a certitude.
The second thing is that my perception of this relationship was bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) fron the very beginning.
And don't even care about the nuances anymore. I believe in that idealisation despite all red flags and that it says a lot about me.
I am aware any mentally healthy man would have told her to get the f out after the second drama, I am not stupid, I know that PBD pick us for a reason and that we have our own issue to fix.
The things I want to work on myself now even if I started doingnit from the day she discarded me, in fact I even managed to forget her completely at some point.
I just want not to have my brain asking for the "good BPD" fix anymore. I want to forget her existence like she forget mine, I also want to forget about BPD and not coming on these boards anymore. It's like something is pulling backwards while I do my best to move forward. I don't love her anymore, I am happy with my life, why the hell am I still obsessed with that crap?
I had many breakups, some good some bad, why does this one in particular stays there? Why do I still hear the words she spoke in my mind like it was yesterday? After 2 years I still remember her voice is that even normal?

Am adding my 2 cents. 11 yrs, plus or minus 3 years, in bpd r/s.  He had and has done work on himself, and BPD remains.

asking why.  That one 3 letter word.  For me is a ticket to emotional coma drama.

all of this up until one minute ago, is about me, learning about me.  reclaiming my power, my life, my purpose, what is important to me.

I think the word why should be removed from the emotional dictionary.

In fact you know what I would like to get from the BPDs? It is their ability to disassociate in two minutes "Yeah, I don't love you, there was nothing plus you're an evil person anyway, bye" and go onto the next partner after five minutes like nothing happened.
I mean, if they can do that, there is probably a way to do the same isn't it?
I don't want the why anymore, I just want all that to be erased from my brain and forever.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

(haven't watched it yet)

the other movie I believe is about co dep guy/ bpd girl .?
the notebook.

there is some interesting portrayals out there.

The most helpful thing for me, that I cannot always do, is not ruminate.

Disregard, disregard, disregard.  as fast as a hockey goalie.

It's my job to tend my garden.  My mind. It's mine.  out of my mind follows my life.

do I want to grow...what.
Am I gonna spend my precious mind garden on weeds. 
I need to be my own best friend.
It's a skill I can learn.  It's something I can work at, fall down 7 get up 8 thing.

My own experience is that the devaluation (I mean this when you say split-black) does not last as long as it might appear. My own view, perhaps more philosophical, is that if I consider the relationship over, there is no such thing as being painted black, hated, or anything at all. It takes a relationship to exist for any of these things to be possible - a relationship of two, not one.

So what are all these phenomenon then? Voices and such like. Id argue that they are not "her" voice, not external but internal. I learned to take ownership of them for what they are, "thoughts", and give them that inquisitive moment of wonderment, not attach any emotion, for this is also up to me to do so. I own the thoughts, they originate within, I own also what happens to them. It is innate, it is empowering, it has given me the ability to not be unsettled, distressed or set on a route of being emotionally overwhelmed.

It is not that I want to forget my ex or erase her daze, it is that I acknowledge all the stuff she made me feel good but I weigh it up against the pain, I did by chance see her 9 months later and I spoke to her and exchanged numbers, only to go no contact again after 2 weeks. My ventral tegmental area was lit up like it was Xmas again, the difference is that part of me recognised it better for what it was. I need to remember her to some extent, an email could arrive tomorrow, 3 years, 10 years, 13 years (these are based on actual case study accounts of members here) and I have to be in a position of remembering the relationship to draw upon the decision making of what Id do about it.


 
Who is the mentally healthy man you are trying to relate to, does he exist or he is an abstract ideal? Is it something you aspire towards, if so, any real life role models? Does this help or distress in how you feel about yourself?

I support you in taking a break from either here or reasearching, it played a very important role in my own recovery and I only speak of trial and error. I had to learn how to take a chill pill, switch off and do something else. Part of it is that I have never been good at staying away from trouble - take my ex out of the equation, my childhood on has been themed by a lot of conflict, emotional outbursts, I had to recognise this and maybe also accept that there is part of this that might be very difficult to change. I found a great deal of peace in acceptance that I would quit trying to change, and with that it solved so much by itself. You mention previous relationships not leaving this sort of impact - can I suggest drawing some strength from this and appreciating the difference? Why do you not think of the relationships that were better and focus on this? Is it because they have been forgotten more in the sands of time? Have you tried to think more about them? Is there any depression going on? your own health Daze, what does it look like to you?

So many questions I know and it is significant, they are in a ratio that is highly tipped to be about daze, you said yourself you dont like to think about her, so how about experiment a bit, try not to talk or seek out and find literature. Lets stop feeding this thing for a bit and see what happens?

I disagree, someone can still have an opinion of you out of the relationship. in fact, I am still in good term with some of my exes. I know for a fact it's not possible with her.
As a said in another topic, I congratulated her for her new job on her LinkedIn, she did not answer and immediately left the said job and moved fare away (I saw all that on LinkedIn). So, I won't say it's because of my congratulations but it's a strange coincidence isn't it plus it wouldn't be surprising knowing the impulsivity of BPDs.
In any case, at best I am dead to her, at worst I am an embarrassment. Case closed here.

I have already achieved that and proved it to myself during my last three relationships. I was not that man during the relationship with my BPD.
It helps, I like the man I am now. Focused on his purpose and giving priority to his peace, quiet and freedom.


That's a very good point. I will leave a memo somewhere with a big red writing "NO NOT ANSWER! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE RECYCLED."


I already do. In fact, it's a mystery for me that I am still obsessing about my relationship with my BPD. It has this difference I could not even define, there is something else almost metaphysic about it. Also, it has the particularity to have been my first relationship in UK, basically we discovered my new hometown together because she had too only just moved here. So, the problem is that, now, the city is impregnated of her. I met her there, we explored everywhere together and there is not a single place that doesn't trigger memories... Especially that specific bench in the market square where we used to spend hours eating stuff. How the hell am I supposed to disassociate her from that place now (can I have a bit of object inconsistency please)? I am not even going to the centre anymore because of that, it’s always a nostalgic fest.

It was already in the plan. In fact, I should have not come to Quora or here from Monday, still here I am...
I am at a point where I know pretty much everything I have to know about BPDs and I can explain accurately what happened to my relationship. In other word, there is absolutely no reason for me to come back and make further researches. Everything is clear. Like I said it's only a matter of not thinking about it now.
I do not think about the other relationships because they are over and there is no reason to think about them anymore, I am perfectly aware that it's exactly how I should treat the relationship with my BPD, it's my ultimate goal. No depression, I am in perfect shape, do a lot of stuff, honestly without these specific though I would be perfectly happy and this is why it is even more frustrating. I just want her out of my head and never come back. I will try to stop again, meditate more, we'll see.
Thank you for your advise it's very much appreciated.

I hear you with the triggers and this comes up often here. I resolved them quite easily by moving away from the town I lived in, have since visited a handful of times after a year away, and never felt any unsettling feelings.

Your most welcome it has been nice to talk things through with you, I hope very much you find more peace and resolve what is left to do. Learning what gets our goat and maybe I suspect Quora today you found yourself a bit induced anger from? It can be hard at the moment of feeling that emotion to think of it as a good thing or that it has in any way helped in the big picture. All I can say is that I think it did help me and that "bad" days emotionally were not necessarily non productive ones, they had their reasons. Thanks also. Wishing you all the best.

Daze I understand your sentiments fully, as I find myself in a similar place. I have learned much over the years regarding what I went through. I know what is good for me, I have changed and I also find myself finally in a peaceful and prosperous stage. Yet, I do think about her often in a sentimental  fashion. And many things remind me of her. At the same time though, I want nothing to do with her. I have been on NC for years and will stay on. Yet the reminiscing goes on...it’s quite annoying really.

my relationship ended about nine and a half years ago. a couple of months after it did, i found this site. it took me a good year or so to be completely free from the wounds, the pain, to detach. it took me a few more years to really learn the lessons the relationship taught me.

in my recovery, i sought out a lot of different perspectives...the youtube stuff, the blogs, the clinical stuff, folks here. in general, i think its a good idea to seek perspective.

but i think its equally important to put that perspective into perspective  *)

i didnt read much from the bpd perspective in my recovery, personally. it just didnt appeal to me. i can understand why it appeals to other people. some of it, i think, is valuable.

there are things i would want to know, though. where is the respondent coming from? are they diagnosed? are they in recovery? how far into recovery are they? how long are they out of the relationship theyre talking about? do they have a basic understanding of the disorder, are they generalizing, are they speaking from personal experience? are they just trolling? lastly, maybe most importantly, can any of them really speak for my ex, or our relationship and what happened?

about 2-5 percent of the population has bpd. thats millions of people...all with very unique perspectives. it is a little bit like going to a site for introverts and seeing how theyve all dealt with relationships. youre going to hear a lot in common. but you probably wouldnt think anyone was speaking a great deal of authority on the subject, right?

i turned a corner when i started to focus on what sort of perspective i was seeking, and why, what i hoped to learn, and how i could use it.

my own perspective changed a great deal, and several times, over the course of my recovery; as you heal, and as you revisit the narrative of your relationship, yours will too. it was, at the time, by far, the hardest thing i ever went through. today its ancient history, although it was also my first adult relationship, and to date, my most significant, and i find that there are still lessons i can continue to learn.

what you find yourself disagreeing with may be the perspective of the more detached members here, the folks that have recovered and moved on to other things. i found it hard to take, myself, in my recovery...it didnt really speak to the struggles i was going through. its understandable, detaching is a process. i was in pain. the more i healed, the more i started to see the wisdom in it. i think that most of us that have been through that recognize it...its night and day. but as you seek out perspective, its one i wouldnt be so quick to dismiss. its the perspective of folks that have been where you were, and are trying to help you get there.


bpdfamily is a support group. any support group is what you make of it. if youre feeling stuck, if you feel its feeding things, then come here with a different purpose and shift your focus. for example, rather than seeking a bpd perspective(s), give members an idea of where youre at, and ask how you can advance through the stages of detaching.

recovery is also what you make of it. theres a risk of carrying the baggage into the next relationship and compounding the pain, like i did.

I understand you point Once Removed. In fact, I never said anything that was said here was wrong, I just think that we should tell the truth, as horrible as it sounds, to people who come here for seeking answers.
I found BPD just after my relapse completely by accident, I was not looking for it, this is where I think that, despite being an engineer I am convinced that there are things we can’t explain in life.
First, my ex found a job at a five minute walk from my home (she doesn’t know where I live because I moved after the breakup), there was already very little chance for that to happen as I now live in an isolated village and not in the city.
That thing got me all exited and hopeful, I just wanted to bump into my ex, not really to get back with her but at least to exchange a few words and catch up. Note that I was still not aware of BPD at this point so I did what I should have not, I congratulated her for the job on LinkedIn.
No answer, two or three days later she was off to someone else without having a job secured.
Is my message the cause of that obviously impulsive move? I will never know. Either way I was very sad because all my hopes were destroyed. Basically, it was kind of a second breakup, less hurtful than the first but still. I realized that this time, I lost her for ever I will never get to see her again.
Then I came across an article just by browsing the web randomly and that made me understand so many things. It’s like life itself was sending me a massage “Look daze, you’re too pathetic here, this is what happened, now get over it!”.
If you think about it these are incredible coincidences. I look at LinkedIn (I usually never do) at the exact moment she finds a job next to my place, me writing and her immediately leaving, me finding BPD when I was not even looking for it. It was like if everything had been set up for me to finally understand.
So, to get back to the subject. I went from being convinced I screwed up the relationship with my behaviour and mistakes, despite the fact I realized, even back then that something was very off. I remember when I told my story to my brother and her girlfriend, they did not interrupt me and at the very end they told me “Do you realize how what you are telling us sounds crazy?”. They made me realize that, maybe, I was not completely at fault in what happened and that helped me to move on back then but still, I could not understand but thought “whatever…”.
Then I learnt BPD, the truth, and everything fell into place like a puzzle, every word she said, every inexplicable behaviour, every senseless drama, the constant request of love proofs, the constant jealousy, the attempts to make me jealous, every loss of memory or creation of unreal memories, the discard like a company who dismiss a redundant employee… Everything made sense.
At this point, I realized that it was completely not my fault BUT at an expensive price:
- She never loved me (in the adult sense of love), I was just a temporary supply.
- She does not remember anything about me or about the relationship. It’s all been erased permanently.
I am even aware that, unlike many here, that I have never been offered a recycle because she was extremely beautiful and charismatic and that there were probably 50 guys waiting in line for their turn, she had all the supply she wanted available. Poor Daze was long gone and forgotten at this point.
So this was the revelation of the truth for me and it was like a huge slap in my face.
I think that this is why people come here, they want answers. In the case of Yoke she even explicitly asked for that. She was convinced she made “mistake”, she clearly though she was at the origin of the breakup, she did not understand why her ex asked her not to go to work.
We should have made her understand she made no mistake and that her ex request was just a test, no more no less, there was no reason behind it. Damn I had dozens of these tests, it’s how the BPD gauge how likely you will dump them. We should have made her understand that even if she’s passed this test there would have been another one for her straight away. We should have made her understand that the woman she was in love with does not exist and that there would be no point in apologizing to her since her BPD now sees her like a perfect stranger or an undesirable.
Let’s be honest here we totally failed and now she left the board and I am sure she still is ruminating about her mistake and why she went to work this day. She may even have made the mistake to write to her and possibly be recycled (and we well know here no recycle here ever ends well).
I just had to say that. I think that sometime we should tell people how things are because it how they are, we both know that.

Hey Daze, I can tell you from my side that in my humble opinion you are totally right. I was exactly like you. Same point. It was all my fault. That was what she made me believe. We are breaking up because of you! You are too controlling, insecure, jealous, etc. The sad thing is that I believed it all. And that is not right. I was completely gaslighted. It took a T experienced in bpd, that I was lucky to find, that showed me a pathway out of that. I also would thank people like Lucky Jim on this forum who always gave me straight ahead advice, that amounted to the truth.

Yes I am to blame in that I put up with it. As many of the victims here, I believed. I believed that I could help her by looking after her and showing her complete devotion. But also as many of the victims here I had no idea what I was dealing with. I lived through all the diverse experiences of a relationship with an individual suffering from bpd. I was the best in the world at first, idolised to the max, then at the end destroyed. I was even asked at the end to write her an apology letter for my bad behaviour. And I did. I was completely gaslighted. All I was trying to do at the end was the utmost to fix the relationship. Anything to keep it.

Silly really, there was nothing I could do. Thanks to a T I have regained my self esteemed which was completely destroyed at the end of our time together. And she did that. Knowingly. I was blamed viciously. It has taken a few years. But now I feel normal again. I do ruminate a little every now and then. I miss some of her intelligent conversations. The rest I am glad to be away from. And my T has helped me understand that it wasn’t healthy. And that there was nothing I could have done to hold on to what amount to basically a fantasy relationship, based on attraction, not love in the real sense. We were never on the same page.

Same for me Raul.
I even cried in front of her out of desperation, this is something I had never done for any women, even alone. She yelled at me, with her demonic crazy eyes “And don’t cry like a f*cking child!” like a parent telling her child off after a big mistake. To be noted that out of her crisis moments she never sworn and was always very very polite. When she was in that state, she was absolutely not the same person, many things make me think she was emulating her own mum.
She literally destroyed all my self-esteem, pissed over the remaining and it worked so well and easy.

Now I cringe when I think about how I behaved and allowed her to walk all over me, I am not proud of myself at all.
Like you, for some reason, I desperately thought that by annihilating my own personality I would have a chance to go back to what it was. I did not realize that it just precipitated things in the end, which in a sense was a blessing knowing what we know now.

When last day I saw her, there was no hate nor love in her eyes anymore, just emptiness. She was absolutely calm and cold. She asked her gift back and walked away not to be seen again without saying a word. I knew back then it was over. I know now that she had just achieved her splitting.

The thing is, that woman was beautiful, feminine, could cook like crazy (true as she cooked me the best meatloaf I ever ate), was a singer (true as I saw videos of her singing in concert and she was very good and I am a musician too), she was intelligent and extremely cultured  (we could talk about everything even the non-PC subjects), she loved history (true as I saw many history book in her room, it’s also one of my hobby), she loved videogame (could be false here but she played a lot with me and seemed to enjoy), we were on the same page sex-wise, last but not least, she was not plastering her ass and boobs all over social media like most women nowadays. Where am I supposed to find another woman like that?
It was like this woman had been custom made especially for me, how was I even supposed not being totally desperate when I was seeing her drifting away and hating me more everyday while I could not do anything about it? How could I not lose my sh*t totally?

Like you said, we were never on the same page, we though we were or at least we convinced ourselves we were but that has never been true, not even during the idealization phase.
This is what people coming here have to understand straight away: Your love, your relationship, nothing of this is true. You just got a leech who fed on you and detached when she absorbed everything she could absorb, this is the sad reality.

Daze, I see that you do understand well what you went through. I do as well. It took me some time but I do get it. Must say though that I was completely unaware. She hid things from me well in the beginning although she did say some strange things that I did not take seriously enough. Now they make perfect sense. One day during a pleasant and normal conversation she said out of the blue “you know people like me sabotage good things.” I did not understand what that meant, nor did I query further about she might have meant by that. I just forgot about it.

Like you, I also broke down in front of her one day, during the drastic change of character that she developed at the time, cold and distant. i just felt suddenly overwhelmed and terribly sad while we were eating and started to cry, she looked at me and just said “you need to move on, you are in denial, you might need some medication.” Just like that. Cold and matter of fact. That’s how far she had gotten by then. After that I resign myself to let it go, go along wth whatever she wanted to do.

But later, after a two month break, in which time I said goodbye and went NC, I was begged and begged to see her again, just one time for a chat. After much deliberation I did. It was the start of my recycle. Didn’t last long. A couple of days where she was actually the same person I had originally met. I was back as the ‘best guy in the world’ the ‘love of her life’. But soon after, her other side reappeared and I just stayed away. She kept at it for a little while, but I just resisted and stayed away. Couldn’t do it any longer. It was definitely strange. Her troubled side in evidence more and more. I couldn’t cope with that any longer. I gave up.

Raul, the similarities are so disconcerting.

You know what was the equivalent of "you know people like me sabotage good things" for me?
It was "I'm a bastard, I'm a bastard, I'm a bastard". Like you, out of the blue during a pleasant moment. I laughed and asked what she was talking about then that was about it.
I think it's because they were feeling it coming, they were still lucid enough to understand the cycle was about to repeat with us no matter what. It was their way to tell us "go away, go away fast while you're still in time".

Like you, my crying scene happened while we were eating and like you I was resigned after that, I was not even responding at all during her subsequent episodes, she was all alone in her play, I was just a spectator of our misery at this point.
The only difference is that, like I said above, there was no recycle for me which is lucky because I perfectly know I would have said yes immediately and would have been destroyed all over again.

Was this towards the end of the relationship?

When you say you were resigned, do I read that as a guy who either ran out of, or was close to running out of the amount of tolerance built in?

Cromwell, towards the very end, maybe a few days before.
Not sure we can talk about tolerance, I just understood there was no fix or going back possible anymore. You know when a woman, BPD or not, ends up telling you she's sick thinking she had sex with you there's not much to add at this point.
I was just awaiting for my death sentence eventually and it came soon enough.

there was no explicit good bye from my side when I decided I had enough, there was no "dont ever contact me again". Was it truly over though? I did talk to her again 9 months later when I met her by chance in town. I think I did not want it to be over Daze, even despite all the horrors and how upset it made me. I still must have held on to some sort of hope for divine intervention, I did leave many times, I felt even happy apart, I slept with other women and that got her attention. It invalidated many of the attempts to put me down. I thought if I could prove some points and take away all the issues, one day she would see some sense from my side that all of this was unneccessary - we could be having fun instead, and I loved that part of her.

But this is part of the mistake of not recognising her diagnosis, or what impact it had. I rationalised as best I could, but I lacked experience in how a personality disorder can manifest itself. I explained it by other means that I had more understanding to. I only learned post relationship and the time apart to get a grip to what I was involved with and very naive in the ways I went about trying to troubleshoot the relationship.
Not exactly her finest hour was it. There was not many times she was directly vile to me and it was confined to moments of dysregulation, it was as if I wasnt even there, it was as if I had to make her aware and snap out of a trance, "do you know where you are? what you are saying? who you are talking to?" Check yourself.

Sometimes I had to just sit there and listen and let it fizzle out, driving on the motorway for example, I probably in hindsight should have pulled on to the emergency breakdown lane.

It is hurtful stuff Daze, you really were enthralled by her in so many ways and then it ends like this. Closure is important.

I had the same kind of experience, again, a few weeks ago I did not know anything about BPD so I had to explain it in other ways. Like you I still had hope, until she moved after my message. Then I only realised it was really over.
She was really vile only towards the very end and like you it felt like she was talking to someone else, sometimes she said things that I had not even said or done or was pointing at character traits that are the opposite of mine.
I think that in the end, she tried her best to push me for me to end it myself so that the burden of leaving wouldn't be on her.
Closure... Does it even mean anything in a relationship with a BPD?

Not sure Dazed, ive read a few theories and opinions on the subject.

Try not to feel diverted from the task at hand which is I hope your closure? Remember what you said you didnt like it was all me-me-me?

Im not sure I can help with the speculating side of people with BPD, its not my experience or background and I suspect beyond theories there actually is no truth or definitive answer, so it is something to very easily get lost in, perhaps indefinitely.

Do you feel you have got closure from this?

The answer is YES, I will add even that, it doesn't matter anymore.
Now she is 40, living together with people half her age because she cannot afford better and is completely miserable because she is untreated and lives in constant turmoil.
I was ready to build something with her at slit on it, hee choice, not my problem if she has BPD.
Now I'm 39, 6"2 and fit as I workout everyday, have money and own a house, my ex was a 25 years old model, boring as sh*t  but still a young model.
I'm tired Cromwell, tired of brainstorming over someone which sexual marketplace value if far inferior as mine and is damaged good. I'm done. I know my worth and who I am, I have suffered because of her far more than what I should have. I say STOP.

Its ok Daze

I feel you letting some anger out? If it is, I know it does not feel so great, ive been through it, it is part of the process of letting go. Good for you and well done.

I hear you want to move on and not live this way anymore, you tried your part you gave so much, it is time to stop.

Your tired too, I relate here, it has been more than a mental marathon. Mind needs rest, it is good to exercise it but this doesnt really count when it gets to these extremes, like physical workouts, know our own limitations and rest is important too.

This board isnt going anywhere Daze and I really feel you are on your way im happy for you that you are making choices geared towards your needs and realising what you want and what youd like to let go of.  - Cromwell

Hey Daze and Cromwell closure is what we are aiming for, in these breakups it’s bloody hard. The special parts of these relationships, the amazing love I received for a time, keeps you there ruminating. From reading the posts it sounds as you Cromwell, were in a much stronger position then Daze and I. You left her, she understood your power to do that. She left me. I was powerful at first, idolised to the max. Over the years she turned the relationship, she dictated things. I followed, I tried to please. Any issues I would fix, even if it meant changing my own personality to achieve it. By the end she was in control, completely, and she made me feel worthless and powerless. It was all up to her.

Some of her tactics were so nasty. She was so jealous at first, I couldn’t even glance at a woman, she would get so mad, furious. Then later, she didn’t care. I understand now that once she was comfortable, her total seduction as the perfect partner for me worked, she was in control, no more jealousy from her part. Then it was time for her to make me feel insecure or doubtful. She would befriend guys anywhere and in front of me, at a cafe, bar, etc. Just start a conversation with a bunch of strangers. I found that odd. If I questioned the behaviour, it was her turn to belittle me, “you are so insecure, jealous, you need to get some help here.” It was as my T says, this was “a set up, the power game” and I fell for it time and time again. And she knew it.

The fact is again as my T says, she lost respect for me and I lost my own, I should have never put up with that. Again I was so obsessed with her and that I took it all. Now that I am out of the fog as they say, all that is so clear. As my T used to asked me “she did this and this and this to you, what is it that you are not getting here?” Scary how one ends up in such a hole to not even understand, what may constitute decent behaviour from a supposedly loving partner. In looking back now that I feel normal again, I  should have just stopped it. I didn’t see it then, I was too obsessed.

On the contrary Cromwell, I feel peace right now, when I think about her I feel nothing at all, I've realized that once again I put her on a pedestal and that "feeling inferior" was disturbing me a lot. I see clear now, I am not inferior to her, on the contrary. As a man I am in my prime, her? At 40, mental issues, a ton of baggage and no money, who on earth would want that?
Her charms have no power anymore over me, she can f herself, I am free.

It's interesting that Raul and me had not only the same type of BPD but we also followed the same paths in our relationships, the  dynamics were the same as our behaviours. It's kind of a relief to see you're not the only one who fell into the trap. I think we grew a lot with that experience and that we gained a lot of knowledge not only about BPD but also about relationships in general but most of all about ourselves. I don't know about you Roul but I am sure I will never be fooled again, I now have unbreakable boundaries, a woman trespasses them, she's out without warning, no questions asked. Ypu PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)-test me? You're out. You create drama? You're out. You're not happy? You're out. I always put myself first now, this is not negotiable and if the price is to stay single, I'm ok with that.
Ironically, we can thank our BPDs to have made us stronger and better persons.

first things first.

this is your thread. not yokes. lets focus on you and what youre experiencing.

healing is not a one size fit all approach, and im not sure "youre pathetic, this is what happened, now get over it" helps much of anyone. there is no sign in this thread that it has helped you.

having said that, i certainly empathize. its not a dissimilar trajectory i took in my own recovery. when i first stumbled onto BPD, it was both a godsend that explained my pain and experience, and rather humbling, to put it lightly.

the way i see it, there may be two or three things complicating your healing path, and creating unnecessary suffering. 

the first is this notion that you were some form of expendable supply, and that her memories are erased; a lot of what youre reading may be enforcing this. theres nothing about borderline personality disorder that suggests this is true. its frankly a black and white way of looking at something that is probably more complicated.

it is almost certainly true that your ex loved one loved you in an immature way (not an adult sense). thats humbling, for sure. its also likely true that your ex loved one loved you in a selfish and self serving way. humbling too.

likewise, its almost certainly true that you loved her on about the same level, if not in the same way. if that doesnt seem right, think about it. reflect, dont react.

all of us have an idea of what love is and isnt, and throughout our lives, throughout our relationships, it either evolves or devolves, narrows or grows, and we either respond to life and its challenges by shutting it off, or amending our definition. and we all, frankly, get it wrong, until that very last relationship.

the second point is that you are attaching your recovery to the idea that even if you made mistakes, it was all doomed in the first place, and there was nothing you could have done.

i remember thinking exactly the same thing. i remember how comforting the feeling was. friends and family, trusted loved ones suggested at the time that my ex had valid reasons to break up with me, that there were things that i did that contributed to the breakup of my relationship, but it was much more comforting when i learned about BPD and how difficult these relationships can be.

the problem daze, is that youre attached to that notion, yet youre not healed, youre stalled in stage one of recovery, and youre clinging ever harder to anything that will reinforce the notion. and its keeping you in this limbo.

bear with me here. what if you could acknowledge that mistakes were made, that it doesnt mean that any of them single handedly ruined the relationship, but contributed to its breakdown, and likewise, that bpd made for an exceptionally difficult partner, that your ex loved one contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, but that the breakdown itself wasnt about BPD specifically?

what if the two of you loved each other very much, but just couldnt make it work, and you can learn from that and go on to greater things?

it might hurt to think about. detachment necessarily involves some pain. but think about it. wouldnt it be a better, more accurate narrative? if you were just some sucker that gone run over by a mentally ill person, whats to stop it from happening again?

I am sorry Once Removed but I must disagree about pretty much everything you have suggested.
I saw you even on other threads making a point of treating our relationships as they were normal ones, for me it’s wrong, plain and simple. In my life I had something like between 20 and 30 relationships, I can tell you this specific one is very different from all the other ones, on every aspect.
I mean, if I am on this forum it’s because there is a particularity, something different, if now I would go to, I don't know, the breakup reddit not on bpdfamily.


It is what it is otherwise she couldn't have dumped me the way she did, the way a corporation gets rid of a redundant employee like I said above. She wouldn't have taken back all her gifts and given back mine as if our relationship had just been no more than a failed business transaction.
She would have not immediately jumped back on several dating sites (maybe she was even already back on them during devaluation) like nothing happened between us at all.
She would have answered a little "thank you" when I congratulated her, was that too much to ask?
Of course it is not more complicated, every single thing points to the fact that it's absolutely not more complicated.
For god sake, I have never had any girlfriend asking for her gifts back even after a bad breakup, who are we kidding here?


Yeah no, I loved her appearance, her intelligence, her personality, her skills, her humour, her femininity and if it were not the case I would have called it as soon as she started to change and treat me badly. I did not love her as someone who would potentialy save me from my mental misery.


Of course I made mistakes, I am not a robot. I told bad jokes, I talked about my models, I didn't write to her for a bit too long, I did not thank her enough when she offered me a gift, I forgot her birthday, I lost my personality and self-confidence when she started to sh*t-test me.
Yeah, this who I am, I can be in my world sometimes and say things I should not say plus I have weeknesses but let's be honest here, does it justify the fact that she went from "I've searched you all my life" to "I can stand you anymore" in less than a few days? Com'on!
She was not the cute little angel she presented to me in the beginning either but I tried to make it work all the same, I was ready to accept her flaws and imperfections, I was ready to talk about all of it and sort it out. THIS is adult love. Unlike her I did not go full panic and rage attacks when she realized I was not the perfect knight in shiny armour (which by the way doesn't exist), saying "you're not this, you're not that, you don't do this, you should do that", see the difference?
So of course the break down itself was all about BPD specifically. Again, I had many other breakups and I can tell the difference.


No. In other relationships, it did not work because there were real incompatibilities or differences and we talked about it as adults and decided to end it, sometimes it was easy sometimes less easy but it is always how it went. Here, this is not what happened, not at all. Here, it did not work because she was mentally ill and went in a fantasy world where I was so kind of manipulative evil guy whose purpose was only to destroy her, this is the most accurate narrative and I am not gonna chage it for any reason.


It's not gonna happen again because like I said in my previous post, I now have boundaries, rules and a certain mindset that I had not during the relationship with my BPD.
So yes, I am sad because this woman had everything I ever wanted in a woman. What can I say? I had three other relationships after this one with three beautiful and young women. All of them were boring, apart from sex they did not bring anything to the table. In fact, when sex got boring too, and it happend very fast, I dumped them.
The sex with my BPD is probably what I remember the less and believe me it was good especially because, I don't really know how to this day, she managed to figure out all my preferences without me even mentioning them but anyway, she was so much more than that, I could talk to her for hours and hours. Most of modern women today? Bunch of entitled retards who don't behave like women anymore.
So yeah, I am sad, very sad that she had this disorder because I am confident that without it, we would still be together.

Now the only way to make it go easier is to ironically do it the BPD's way, I have to devaluate her in my mind to convince myself I've lost nothing. Yes, it is sad, but it's what works best for me at the moment for me.

I dont know what the other guy will be like daze.

Congrats on finding peace and being free from her.

thats okay. mine is just another of many perspectives *)


i came here for the same reason, daze.

im just not sure youre going in a helpful direction at this point in terms of what makes this different, why this is under your skin. youre leaning really hard on things that, by your own admission, arent helping.


i can imagine how painful this would be, to feel erased, to be broken up with callously.

my ex and i were together for just shy of three years. before that though, we were pretty good friends for three years. so there was a pretty significant history. we had our breakup conversation (i wasnt 100% sure thats what it was in the moment), and then about a week later, there was a new guy. about a week later, she was publicizing their first date. and shortly after that, they were officially in a new relationship that lasted about a year longer than my own. i think things with the new guy probably actually initiated some months before we broke up; its hard to say, and there may have been others.

i never felt more erased. we pretty much never spoke again.

sounds pretty bpdish, right?

i wont speak for you daze, but i know that in my own situation, and i had to learn it the hard way, my situation was a lot more complicated. if i told you that i had emotionally abandoned the relationship for a month or two before all that, which friends and family reminded me of, it wouldnt excuse what she did, but it sure might be a part of the explanation.

mine is obviously not the same as your story. what jumps out at me is that your ex clearly had a great deal of resentment. it doesnt suggest something came over her and suddenly you were meaningless with no other explanation, quite the contrary. you dont return gifts to someone who is meaningless (if you do such a thing), you do it to someone youre pissed at, where you took the breakup really hard. jumping on dating sites, ignoring your congratulations all suggest the same thing.

i would be asking myself why she was so resentful. the answer may not be obvious. you may not necessarily ever figure it out. there may be hints or clues, but odds are, there was a lot boiling under the surface during your relationship that you werent necessarily privy to at the time.


no doubt. there were things i loved about my ex that i would hope to find in future partners. im not especially materialistic, but my ex was the most thoughtful gift giver ive ever met. she would give gifts that were so clever, that youd never have thought of or knew you wanted, but they would make you feel seen and appreciated, as a person. i asked lots of people that were burned by my ex, and they all agreed. i have no doubt there were qualities that you loved, deeply, about your ex, and are now grieving and mourning.


i reread your story, and it sounds like the birthday was a big sore spot and turning point.

it happens to the best of us. and it sucks.

did you ever go to prom? ever heard the stories of guys that caught hell because they didnt plan the perfect evening, or didnt act according to plan? if not, ever heard of the show "bridezilla"?

thousands (millions?) of stories have been written, recorded, or told, about unfulfilled expectations when it comes to big events or major milestones, big dates, birthdays, anniversaries. people flip out sometimes. of course its unreasonable.


does it justify it? not at all. i dont think anyone is saying that.

would it help you to understand where she was coming from (right or wrong) more than BPD strangers on the internet would? probably.

and i dont mean to be flip about it. that took me years to achieve, to reach a balance between understanding (as best i could) where my ex was coming from, without necessarily agreeing with it.


you really dont have to go the bpds way and devalue her. thats a coping mechanism, daze, a dysfunctional one.

learn to better understand her and where she was coming from. learn to better understand yourself and where you were coming from. learn to better understand what went wrong. its going to hurt, but youll be better and stronger for it. cutting or using drugs works best for someone with bpd in the moment.

trying to devalue a woman you describe as the perfect girl for you is a seriously uphill battle that will keep you stuck, but will never quite stick, and youll take it into future relationships, if you havent already. youre on the right track when you describe her as not quite what you thought she was. the "perfect girl" was a fantasy. work toward accepting that she was the perfect girl for who, what, and where you were at the time, but that it wasnt sustainable. expand your horizons in terms of who and what the ideal girl for you is. become the man that can obtain it.

thats your ticket out of this hell. 

I can relate to what you guys are saying.  Same thing with me. Super hot, younger wife, best sex I ever had, etc, you know the story...

One thing I agree with Molly Dooker about (from Quora) is that there is a real God and his plans are being worked out in this world.  There is truly eternal meaning to our lives.   And a big part of all of this heavy duty learning we are going thru, is for us to learn to know Him better.  

Another thing, for me, is that I did some very weak and self humiliating things.  So, I was a big part of allowing myself to be torn down from being an idealized king in the beginning to being a worthless pos in the end.  I no longer believe in any of that self humiliating garbage.  I am learning my great value and worthiness.   I am in process of changing how I think.  What we think is pretty much everything.  It’s truly our reality.  

Wow.

Thank you.

So my friend would give me "used books"
that were marked up, with different colored highlighters, self help books...

I figured out she was marking them up...
And.  one book she gave, I thumbing thru.  It wasn't highlighted this part.

The book actually said, this is the most important part of this whole book: whatever you are going through.  Check out your state of mind.
Get that info.  Take note of it.

State of mind is the most important thing going through anything...

do I know what my state of mind is.

*mod* This thread has reached the posting limit and is now locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.

Thank you, and have a great day!