BPDFamily.com

Am looking for a place to get support. My eldest daughter has BPD, diagnosed by her counsellor. She is 21, has self-harmed and been suicidal for 10 years. We tried to get help through various places, like Marinoto and through school counsellors. She has been in full time therapy for the past 2 years.
She also suffers from anxiety and depression.
About 3 years ago her boyfriend of 4 years died from an overdose, and she blames herself for this. About two weeks after he died I had asked her not to run the dryer at 11pm outside my bedroom and she had screamed at me saying I had been turning it off and sabotaging her drying her bedding.
This was after a day of abusiveness towards her brother and sister, which I had turned a blind eye to.
I ended up saying if she didn't respect me or like my rules she should find a job and go flatting. And she took this to mean for her to get out immediately.
She spent several months at my father's house, coming home when we were at work. And has since told everyone I threw her out two weeks after her boyfriend died.
Every time I do something that upsets her she goes back and revisits this, even though I had told her it was not my intention for her to leave, but to be more respectful.
She always manages to convince me I am the bad guy.
I am at my wits end, am constantly called a piece of S, a psychopath, a terrible and abusive mother.
She throws things at me, and has hit me. I have tried to be as non-judgemental and supportive as I can. But she pushes me until I either yell or cry. We will have accusations of not caring about her for everything from disagreeing about some topical issue, to not saving her any roast potatoes because we thought she had already had her dinner. I find it impossible to parent her, or talk to her about her treatment of her siblings.
During CV-19 she has smashed a hole in her door, because I asked her to stop having a go at her sister over not doing the dishes straight away. She threw a plant at my husband. And threatened to hit him. He grabbed her jacket to get her out of the house, as we're both sick of her behaviour and aggressive outbursts. And she accused him of grabbing her neck. When we both said that wasn't true she accused us of gaslighting her.
She has gone to my father's for a few days, but is returning this evening "to spend time" with the family dog, after having not talked or responded to me for four days, and says she is going to live with her father for a while when he gets back from being away on his boat.
I have no idea what to do about her. No idea how to make her feel loved, without being her punching bag. :help:

Hi
I understand your struggle.  I am.dealing with the.same. my dtr is 21 and has frequent rage episodes.  I constantly walk on egg shells as.to not trigger an episode.  My biggest issue.at the moment is.her drinking. Since covid 19 and social distancing she.is resorting to drinking about every other night. This after I've asked.her not to and 1 of.3 rules when she moved back home. I tend to just go to bed and when her.banging around at 2 or 3 am wakes me up ijust stay in my room as.to not engage with her. .I am most evenings dreading what could/will/might happen.

HI Red and welcome,
Thank you for writing.  It is agonizing and terrible living with a BPD adult child going off the rails.  It seems like you will be getting some much needed respite as she has gone to your father's and then will go to her father's. This is excellent.  There is also a positive that she is in therapy. Remember you are as important as your daughter. Some of us here also go to our own therapy as well.  While there is no fast solution for your daughter, know you are not alone here. Please click onto my name ( or anyone's here) to get our back story by seeing our previous posts. 
Here is a link for you to peruse through:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

Thanks for your replies, I have been thinking about some therapy for me. And definitely doing a bit of reading on this site, and it helps seeing that others are experiencing similar. Similar self blame... it helps to read about other people feeling this too.
I am definitely not a blameless parent, but I think, like people here, I have been trying my best and perhaps I was not the right type of personality to cater for a sensitive child.
She's come home now, but is more settled, and I am trying not to exasperate any situations.
Yes, drinking is a problem with my dtr too, and binge eating, though a few years ago she would hardly eat at all, she also has permanent and extensive scarring from cutting.
I feel like my personal happiness and energy has been tied into hers for a long time, to the detriment of my other two children, who missed out on attention, because I was often trying to make sure their older sister was safe.
Lately her younger sister, who has anxiety, has needed a lot of attention from me, and this has caused a large amount of anger from her.
The more I explain it, the more I think I need a counsellor.
I had been a solo mother for 10 years, and not in a position to pay for counselling other than trying to access free counsellors. Am in a much better position now with my job and finances.
Anyway... will read your back stories.
Nice to meet you both.