Print Page - Trying to fix my relationship that just shattered .

My girlfriend and I came to the conclusion a couple months ago that she has Borderline Personality disorder. We acknowledged the symptoms and that a lot has to change but we set it off to the side and did not make it a main priority in our relationship, little did I know everything negative that has happened so far in our relationship is basically the definition of being in a BPD relationship and if I would have used these tools sooner that I could have prevented some major turmoil in our relationship. Most of our issues stem from me trying to create what I believe to be a fair system in our relationship in a way that made my partner feel the need to change when she didn’t want to. Although she knew she wanted to treat me good, her demands or desires that seemed unequal to me I would try to demand my fair share of respect, honesty, effort, and dedication. After my current research I do realize that I was not suppose to take any demands, emotional outbreaks or words that are regretful as a personal strike directed at myself and I would defend myself causing more emotional turmoil in our relationship as my desires for equality, needs and wants became a trigger for my partner. I felt as though as an adult I could not sway on being unequal or I would be doing a disservice to myself but I now realize the unbalance wasn’t her lack of care for me but her BPD playing a major role in her input and output. As we continued to argue as I felt the need to defend my role or honor in our relationship while Demanding trust, honesty, and loyalty our relationship created resentment, more triggers, and it slowly drove us apart til the point where all behavior was different and it did not feel the same. My mistake was treating this like a normal relationship without taking into the consideration of how BPD effects my relationship and that I actually do need to take steps to prevent the negative aspect of our relationship. As we continued to fight we had a minor break up, but like always she took my back and began to see me the following days and everything was from my POV, good. But within a couple days she hung out with a friend from highschool days in a group of friends and then she continued to hang out with him alone. she tells me when she was with him and that it was her friend and even though it didn’t feel good I know it’s okay to have opposite sex friends. Then next day she tells me she’s with him again the morning and after work she will be coming to house to do homework. Instead when she gets off of work she messages me that she is going to hang with a friend that’s a girl and then come over. As it gets late I question her if she is still coming and tells me yes she is about to be done hanging out her friend, at that same moment I see her friend post a picture somewhere else. I call her and tell her to let me talk to her friend on FaceTime and she tells me that I’m wrong for mistrusting her and that I have problems and hangs up and blocks me. In my gut I had a feeling it was this guy friend but I had no idea, unfortunately I made the decision to investigate and discovered her in the car with him hanging out and I confront her. She basically makes it seem like she’s breaking up with me because I pulled up on her like I’m The crazy one, and if she was really with her friend that was a girl I would have been, but my gut was right she was lying to hang out with a guy. Just for a review of the facts of the matter, they have been hanging less than a week, her friend confirmed that he was flirting and my girlfriend was basically interested in the idea of them being flirty. She was clearly into the guy as she was excited to hang out with him, she even did her hair and look beautiful as ever, and the other two obvious factors she was choosing hanging with him instead of me and then choosing to lie to me about it. According to her our micro break up last week was the trigger of us feeling like we weren’t really together and she had mentally left me then and never really took me back but her answers aren’t always accurate as she tries to constantly feed the narrative that doesn’t make her look bad. But throughout the whole entire week she gave me reassurance of our relationship, made me
Feel special , and verified we were together and happy but secretly Making it seem like to her friends who aren’t so approving of me that we were not together. I feel like it’s a natural hero/villain aspect where she is not an unfaithful cheater. But the aspect of me being the villain and her needing a hero along with the resentment in our relationship pushed her to need short term version of pleasure as our long term version of of love seemed flawed and contained many emotional triggers. In the end she could have told me the truth about falling out of love with me or having no desire for me, but even in the wake of her actions, her refusal to confront the issue at hand, and the decision to break up with me she still admitted to loving me and wanting to be with me but clearly the aspect of being young, wanting to enjoy life, not having a toxic relationship and technically her new found hero simply played in a larger role in calling off the relationship. I have read how BPD idealization and over statement of emotion is really just a disguise for courtship and mating in the initial stages but the true dedication could never be fulfilled. But the bond we had the promised we made and the track we were taking seems undeniably true. My love for her was real and I truly believe her was too but the acting of expressing it and making me feel equal is where she struggled with the BPD, giving her the idea that terminating the relationship is the only way out when really and Truly I should have been more informed about how BPD would affect us and how to act accordingly if I really want to be the caretaker of this women who claims to love me. I know since I have many triggers with her it is seen for me to just leave because there’s not chance at rekindling the damage, but I believe if I adjust my behavior to satisfied the needs of partner then I can understand and not Let the situation emotionally drain me as if I were taking it personally or like a regular relationship. Right now she doesn’t want to talk to me but the idea of us being together if ment to be or not is on the table. I believe that she does truly love me and her acts towards this other gentlemen were impulsive behavior to escape reality . That if I’m correct then I’m not being simply left for another man , I’m just not handling my relationship with the wrong tools and creating separation and forcing her to flee for safe passage. If that is the case I believe this situation is reversible I just don’t know how. All the advice I get is to give her space and if she wants to return she will. I also read a section on this site that talks about a person with BPD time and serration DOES NOT help them grow more found of you, the concept of “out of sight out of mind” takes into affect and her heart will grow colder for me. It states how time apart is only beneficial during the healthy parts of the relationship not that negative times. I know one could simply say take your loss and move on it will never be healthy, but I am not writing 10,000 words right now for the idea of remaining apart. This is to get back the women I love and that I believe loves me and use the proper caretaker tools so both my partner and I can live in harmony and happiness. Do I try to contact her and mend the relationship ? But do I give it a couple days? I feel like if I held out completely the’ out of sight out of mind ‘ will take into play and never give US a chance. Do i really leave her be to make the free decisions to maybe not come back and regret it later? My BpD partner is horrible at decision making because the consequences to her actions are often brushed aside and until she truly feels the damage of her actions only then will the true her who wants to get better come out and tell me that she doesn’t want it to be like that. I really love her and it’s not easy to be with her but abandoning her because she suffers from BpD doesn’t seem right. If it wasn’t as real as she made it seem the whole time , I get it I guess I’ve been played and have to move on, but those true connections are breaking down and talking about ur mental health state with your partner is rare and getting them to maintain that attitude after the emotional meeting is the true challenge. At the same time of course I don’t want to lose the love of my life, and my willingness to want to help and fix may not always be the healthiest option for myself, but I truly believe with the right steps her and I can have a flourishing relationship, with a lack of triggers, with her still having some idealization for me and being the true hero to her story instead of the villain. Please any help any advice, I want to fight for her but I don’t want to be overwhelming but I don’t want to give to much space numb the feeling. How do I approach my partner or now ex partner. Should I hold it against her if she decides to participate in anything romantic with this young man? Should I just leave it be and see if she returns. I feel like a weakness of her disorder was facing her feelings and talking about anything sensitive. Her withdrawal tactic could be a sign that she needs rescuing but since I’m the villain instead of the hero at the moment she feels I can’t be a shoulder to lean on. I want to make it clear that I am not abusive mentally or physically and she can somewhat be but not out of her true desire but more out her impulsive behaviors where she gets triggered and sees black and becomes in denial of her actions. I know this is also a sign to move on but I feel if I were to approach the relationship with BpD as the main factor then it would never even get that far.

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Dbernabe1 on April 09, 2020, 10:41:00 PM