BPDFamily.com

I have access to my mom's email account because I use her amazon prime account. I went to look for an email about an order and saw an email heading that said people were praying for my sister. I looked at it (maybe wrongly) and found out my mother has been making up a story about my sister having Covid 19 and being on a ventilator and needing dialysis for weeks now. My sister, my mom and I all live in separate houses so we haven't seen each other since everyone self-isolated over a month ago. My sister got mildly sick for a few days after travelling from a different province over a month ago. A couple of weeks ago one of my mother's friends sent me a Facebook message saying she was praying for my sister. I told her my sister was fine and my mom acted oblivious when I asked her why her friend said that. Turns out she contacted her friend afterwards and told her I had been at home for 5 weeks because I was too anxious to go outside, which isn't true. She told her friend that they hadn't told me about my sister's health because of that. The truth is that I have actually been sick for 4 weeks and I just got tested for Covid 19 yesterday. I have been in self-isolation but because of that. I also have kidney disease (not major). I've been talking to my mother every day because I've been alone and she always called me. She's been so loving and thoughtful lately. I told her yesterday that they asked me about my kidney disease when I got tested (it was fine). I'm on the mend and will be fine.

I don't understand why my mom is lying like this. She makes things up when she's upset about what the other person said. I thought that was just an in the moment thing and that maybe she was disassociating. This has been an ongoing story/lie for five weeks now to many people, including me when she said she didn't know why her friend had sent me the Facebook message. She has been getting along very well with my brother and dad who live in the house with her. I was wondering why there weren't any fights after them being with each other for so long.

This is just so bizarre to me and is outlandish even for my mother. I'm guessing getting all this love and sympathy from people is a way of her coping while having to socially isolate from them. I'm just so disgusted. Should I just pretend like I didn't see it? She's making me look like I'm crazy by telling her friend I haven't left the house for five weeks due to anxiety. I can't even wrap my head around this. This is a new low for her. I want to tell my sister, whom I'm very close to, but I don't want to stir things up. I feel so alone and I have nobody to talk to about this very upsetting lie.

That really has to be an unsettling discovery. Privacy was breached, but you found out some important information. Nothing wrong with that. pwBPD will go to unimaginable measures to get attention.

Do you think that it’s appropriate to start setting boundaries around yourself? You and your sister might also want to have a talk. Are things between the two of you good?

Hi wmm :hi:


This is really annoying right?  Your mom is telling people things about you and your sister that aren't true, and since it's about you, it affects you personally.  And it's probably about trust too right?  And respect?  It feels like she shouldn't be saying things about you that aren't true...

Maybe think about this from your mom's point of view.  BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation.  Us "non's" have our ups and downs in life, but for a BPD these feelings are X100 on steroids, and they can't cope with these intense feelings.  Worse, these feelings become "facts" for them.  Once they think them, they become the "truth".  In addition, at the root of BPD is a fear of abandonment.  So, do you think it's possible that your mom, knowing that you and your sister have both had cold/flu symptoms, imagined the worst, thinks it could be Covid (which then becomes a fact for her because of the BPD), and then shares this information with her friends either because she is terrified of losing you to Covid, or, because it will get her attention?  Remember that when she is saying these things, she is not thinking "rationally", and she probably isn't even aware that she is lying, because she believes it (her behavior is being driven by her deep fears).

I have learned there is a pattern with my mom.  She is always telling me about sick people.  They are always so sick they are going to die.  She talks ad nauseam about this kind of stuff, but since learning about BPD, I've kind of learned to let it roll off my back a bit and not take it at face value anymore.  Her friends haven't died.  They always get better.  But what I've learned when she's saying that kind of stuff, is that she is really scared about losing her friends.  

The difference for you is that your mom is saying these things about you, and since you aren't there when she's saying them, you don't have a chance to set the record straight.  And it's just really annoying right?

The best suggestion I have, is that since she is probably behaving because of intense fear of losing you, and her behavior is based on her emotion and not any rational thinking, you could try using SET to validate her feelings of fear.  This does NOT mean you are agreeing with her.  You are not.  It just means you are letting her know you understand she may be afraid.

Eg.  These days are scary for everyone with Covid 19. (fact which validates her feeling).  Sister had the sniffles after her trip.  I have been under the weather lately too.  (facts).  Since you are our mom, I can understand you could be scared and worried about sis and I with Covid being active.  (empathy)  Then see what she says to this.  She will probably speak to being scared.  Then you could say:  The good news is I have been to the Dr and am going to be fine.  If anything changes, I will let you know.  We are all fine.  I love you mom.  

If that fits for you, you could try it and see what happens.  I am optimistic that validating her fears may help to manage her behavior in the future.  She's done what she's done this time.  But understanding what is at the root of that behavior (including the lies and dramatizing and attention seeking) has helped me.  Having an awareness of this, helps me better recognize when my mom's emotions are getting away on her, and I know I can best help her manage those intense feelings, by validating them (which is NOT the same as agreeing with them).  Do you think that could fit for your situation?  Is this example making any sense?

Here's a link for SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

This might sound crazy, but I was thinking about just leaving it as if I'd never seen the emails. She's not taking money from anyone or something. She is a very social person and really needs the love and approval of others. I think she is doing it to stay close to people who she can't see right now and have their support. The reality is that my sister and I are, or are going to be fine. I would address it with her but my dad and brother are stuck in the house with her. Usually, when she gets upset she takes off or drinks a lot. It's not safe for her to do that now and it's not fair to leave my brother and dad stuck with a very unstable form of my mother. If this lie is keeping her sane is it ok to just let it be? Is it wrong to not tell my sister about it?

 |iiii |iiii

Not crazy at all wmm.  If she finds out that you were looking through her emails, that could be very damaging.  My mom once caught me passing a note to her Dr (many years ago).  Not good, when dealing with a pwBPD.

I think your decision makes sense.  You are doing what also helps your dad and brother right?  I think that is quite noble.


I think your decision to just let it be is taking the "high road" and a sound decision.  I think it is wise to not tell your sister.  I think it is wise to not triangulate.  Your decision "ends" this particular drama.

Hopefully it is helpful to just understand what could be at the root of your mom's behavior.  I honestly think she is probably just scared of losing you to Covid (and the whole Covid situation), and unable to cope with that intense emotion because of the BPD, and so she responds as all BPD's do - by saying things to others that validate her feelings and which are likely facts to her, even though they may not be true to anyone else.

Good for you wmm |iiii :heart:

In the future though, if you perceive her to be "getting difficult" about something, try to figure out what emotion is at the root of her behavior (eg fear), and then use SET.  It's really a great tool, because if the pwBPD feels "understood" (validated), it helps to alleviate the negative emotion (which is the cause for the underlying behaviors).

Get well soon. :hug:

I think that Methuen has given some great insight. Things could go very sideways if your mom found out. You do have more information now, though. Simply knowing what you know can help you. It doesn’t have to be used, it can just be known.