BPDFamily.com

I am currently involved in a dating relationship with someone who was recently diagnosed with BPD.  I’ve been reading up on it as much as I can so I have a better understanding. I want to be as supportive as I can but I also know not enabling and boundaries are important.  From what I have read so far it seems like validation is extremely important when he is going through a bad time or a really depressed mode.  He often stays up crazy hours or sleeps excessively. And a lot of the time when he’s going through these moods I’m asleep when he sends me multiple messages in a row saying things like he knows I hate him or I don’t want him and I should not stay around because he’s unlovable and I deserve better than him.  So I often wake up to tons of sad messages.  I kind of understand what validation is but want to make sure I say things the right way to validate and reassure him and how he feels because those things are obviously not true.  I know he can’t believe or understand that sometimes.  How can I word things to reassure when he says that stuff without invalidating his feelings?

Also, usually after his middle of the night rants/ texts, the next day when I get the messages it’s hours later.  When I finally respond and we communicate he acts like nothing was said, either he goes back to our normal communication and being flirty or loving... or he is very generic/distant or short and ignores my attempts at being loving or comforting, saying he isn’t in a good mood or he’s upset, not because of me. Sometimes he takes hours to respond to messages when he is like this with no explanation or says he was sleeping or busy. 

I have sensed a pattern for awhile now. He has told me on a few occasions over the past year and half that we have been involved that I am better off without him, I should stay away.  This mindset and distance can last a couple of days up to a week and then he goes back to wanting my attention, being flirty, affectionate or sexual, “normal” per say. Any advice would be much appreciated.