BPDFamily.com

Ever since we broke up, based on my research, therapy, and discussions with other people, it seemed that my ex had BPD.  This was therapeutic for me, as it provided some explanation for her irrational and inconsistent behavior, and gave me a direction for healing.  I've also looked into NPD, and I thought that there was commodity with that as well as she seemed to not have much regard to my feelings or thoughts.  Fast forward eight months later (to recently) I'm still thinking about the trauma that I went through while in that relationship everyday, several times a day.  I decided to look into additional personal development books and I find 'Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People'.  I knew at this point that I was emotionally abused, and I thought that this would help me with the relationship fallout.

I started reading it, and I realize that NPD fits my ex even more than BPD does (although the two cluster B personality disorders have many similarities).  I keep reading, and the realizations keep coming. 

She 'mirrored' my personality, my ideas, my desires, my likes, and adored and love bombed me just to get me to fall for her fast and hard.  And when I did, she slowly de-escalated the positive attention to me, and slowly escalated the negative attention.  Her distant and cold moods becoming more and more frequent, with the implication that I did something to anger her, and usually finding out after some irrational fight that it was apparently caused by something otherwise insignificant that I did.  There was always something that she would find fault with, a reason to emotionally abuse me.  Sometimes when I disagreed with her on the phone, she would hang up.  Or going from responding to texts within a short period to barely texting at all, or in person, ignoring more and more what I said.  Other times it wasn't so covert.  Other times it was verbally criticizing really anything that I did.  There were even times where she would spend hours saying anything and everything she could to bring me down.  It was so vicious and calculating, like she wrote down any possible thing that could be irrationally perceived as some kind of slight against her or some kind of fault of mine and have it ready to throw it all in my face at the right moment.

Other times she would be enthusiastic about the time that we spent together, the things that we did, the things that we would do together, and  her feelings for me.  These kind of things became fewer and further in-between.  It was also intermittent.  She did this for control.  She did this to try to make me confused, to try to get me to doubt myself, to damage my self-esteem.  To keep me on edge, to make it seem that the relationship could end at any moment.  It was a way to try to train me.  So she could say and do anything that she wanted, and I could only say and do things approved by her.   And more specifically, so she can ensure that I give her the unconditional attention and adoration that she wanted from me without any kind of resistance.

I knew that a lot of what she said or did was inappropriate.  I knew that she had extreme emotions.  I knew that she was 9 years younger than me.  I knew that she had a bad childhood with her mother being emotionally abusive.  I thought that a lot of what she was doing was because she was so traumatized, immature, vulnerable, introverted, and she had a hard time controlling emotions and behaviors.  It wasn't that at all.  She did all of this INTENTIONALLY.  It was manufactured, just like her mirroring.  This is the most concerning thing about realizing what she is truly is.  That she made conscious efforts to condition and control me for her own selfish desires.  She didn't love me whatsoever, and she had no intention in pursuing a healthy and happy relationship.  She had no attachment to me whatsoever, aside from grooming me for potential supply, until she got bored or I resisted.

And I did resist.  I never truly believed that there was something wrong with me, at least not in relation to the the things that she was focusing on.  Sure I didn't set or enforce proper boundaries, but I never thought that there was something with me.  But I did try to accomodate her even though I thought she was wrong, to keep the peace, to show that I was the bigger person, and to hope that it would get better.  But it never got better for long.  There would always be some episode or attack on me.  I usually was calm and composed, but inside it was stressing me out all the time.  I started getting an ulcer, had concentration issues, and was thinking about the relationship ALL THE TIME.  It got to the point where I realized that there was no benefit to this.  She became the worst girlfriend ever.  No consideration, no communication, no empathy, no understanding, no compromise.  Not in the real sense anyways.  Anything resembled this was shallow and half-assed, only to lure me back when I drifted too far away.

I made a promise to myself that if she created a major episode again, that that would be it for me.  I'd walk away.  It took about a month, and she did (but with plenty of subtle emotional abuse in between).  We were suppose to hang out one particular night but she decided to manufacture a fight and repeatedly hung up on me while on the phone.  And that was it.  Didn't accommodate her.  I didn't bend.  Didn't bite any of the lures that she sent out that weekend.  And wow, I'm not sure if she was getting desperate, or my eyes were open more to her manipulations, but I noticed SO many attempts in various forms.  The hang ups on the phone when I disagreed with her to punish me, asking for me to bring her her earrings as a test, implying that I should come home because she would be there (she wasn't, to throw me off).  It came to her wanting to meet up for a walk (suggesting to meet somewhere separately, again to try to make me anxious about what that could mean), sent out more lures in person, which I didn't engage. She subtlety threatened to break up by asking to take her things, one piece at a time.  I remember her looking at me, watching for my reaction as she proceeded.  I realize thats what it was ALWAYS about, her behaving a particular way to elicit some kind of reaction from me.  At that point I had enough, told her I wasn't giving back her a present I gave her, and asked her to leave, which she reluctantly did.  And of course she casually phoned me later that night to through out a lure again, which again, I didn't accept.

She came to the realization that I wasn't going to bend over backwards for her anymore.  I wasn't going to accomodate her, or be easy going, or give her positive attention unconditionally anymore.  She failed, she PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up, she got too selfish.  With her impossible expectations and emotional abuse while not contributing anything to the relationship.

Things became overtly hostile between us over the next couple days, and it more or less ended there.

Although It didn't end for me there.  It still hasn't.  It's been hard, every day since the aforementioned end.  It did for her though.  Immediately, if not weeks or months beforehand.  I found her on a dating website two days later, like nothing happened between us.  But really, nothing ever did happen between us.  There was no emotional attachement to me whatsoever, while taking advantage of my emotional attachment to her the entire time.

It's so utterly insane too.  She isn't a super modal.  She isn't rich.  She doesn't have everyone of the most desirable personality traits.  We're comparable in attractiveness, I have more friends, make more money.  When I truly like someone, I adore them.  I give attention, I am romantic, I do the nice things.  Without it being clingy, but not being unconditional!  Perhaps I sound like the narcissist here, but I did everything I should have and more.  I met her 75% of the way almost every time.  But it was never enough, and it would never have been enough.  I just can't believe that someone can believe they're so entitled for practically nothing.

The other traumatizing thing about this, the fact that this abuse was intentionally for her selfish gain, was this is by far the closest that I've come to associating with pure evil.  This sounds like an exaggeration, but my god, to do these kinds of things to people on purpose.  What else could it be called?  This is a small step away from a psychopath (literally in the same diagnostic category).  I'm sickened and disgusted.  To be used in such a way.  To be so disregarded.  I feel like I've been touched by evil.  I feel vulnerable.  I was even angrier when I realized her intentions.  People that do this are soulless parasites.

There is an upside to this.  This has completely absolved any desire for communication or closure from her.  She will not ever change, theres nothing that she can ever do to make me forgive her, and there is nothing else that I desire to know about why it happened the way that it did.  This was all a painful learning experience for me, and even though it was inconsequential to her, I take some comfort in knowing that she will never truly feel love or happiness or self-esteem or stability like the rest of us can.  She deserves it.

I've read this many times before, and I'll reiterate again.  RUN FROM NARCISSISTS.

I read the same book. I’m not minimizing or taking away from what you got from that book, but it’s not a credible source for accurate information that will actually help you. Perhaps being able to relate to what Jackson MacKenzie says, he’s not a professional when it comes to Cluster B Personality Disorders. He’s you and me, within context, but it’s not a piece of literature that will really help us understand the scope of what we’ve been through. I also don’t want to minimize his writings. I’m sure that they have their place. In fact, I brought the same book here some time back. The book is written from a victim’s standpoint. That doesn’t help.

I’d like to recommend “In Sheep’s Clothing” by Dr. George Simon. You’ll be able to relate a lot of what you read in Psychopath Free, but you’ll be able to put research behind it.

im sorry for what have you gone through and it is not nice to make discoveries like this, NPD, psychopath etc.

Can I ask when you feel still affected by her even the relationship is over, do you mean emotionally or are there any other ongoing issues that you finding difficulty with?