BPDFamily.com

This one has me feeling very confused.  My undiagnosed BPDex broke up with me almost 4 months ago upon finding out that her brother had become severely sick.  We have been on and off, but mostly on, for the last 3.5 years.  I had made plans to propose two months ago (prior to her ending things).  It was extremely hard for me, but I went NC right away.  She reached out after a few weeks, but only for her house key back.  I went back into NC for another month.  She reached out again to thank me for messaging her kids on their birthdays.  I only did that so that they wouldn't feel abandoned by me, as they did nothing to deserve my removal from their life.  Back into NC I went, but then yesterday I get a text from her in the evening.  She messaged me to suggest that I date someone she knows.  I responded with a simple "no thanks" and closed the conversation.  She persisted and said I should do it and that the girl was cute and single.  I told her I didn't appreciate her text and that I loved and was interested in her, but that she'd made it clear that wasn't an option.  I then instructed her to not contact me unless she had something meaningful to discuss.  She told me she was trying to help, she would refrain from messaging, and to "take care"...  That was the end of it.  I can't figure out why after 6 weeks she would message me this.  Anyone else encountered something like this?

It sounds like neither of you enacted closure.


From your side, does this mean deep discussions and a plan how to get back together? It sounds like she still may care about you.  Hard to say if she's "testing" you or not.


This sounds like you're telling her how to feel based upon the past, or did you tell her that while you appreciated her offer, that you were more interested in how she was doing and how you and she might be able to discuss things now?

She simply wants you to run after her, fight to win her back! From my experience this is very easy to guess! Remember they are emotionally children and don’t know how to approach in a mature way!
Good luck if you want her back and let us know of the outcome!

Exactly. Seems to me she's very much testing you if you'd be available and willing to date someone other than her. Most BPD's find it very hard to put themselves into a vulnerable position like asking if you'd want to come back to them: the chance of being rejected is way too high and painful so they use covert means.
In a way I might even advise you not to tell her from this point on that you're only interested in her. Yes, it's the truth. And it probably feels good for her to hear that. But often that little assurance that you're 'available' is enough to satisfy them. Because this way you provide her with the ultimate comfortzone: she has not lost you, but she also does not need to commit.
Do not give her the assurement that you're available. Just keep it to 'I do not want to discuss my dating life', or 'My dating life is my own'. It's a signal to her that just by standing idly by and not taking a risk/broaching her fear of commitment she will eventually lose you. Up to her if she values you enough to take that risk.
It is a bit of a foul game, playing her mechanisms like that. But at the same time it's not you who invented the rules of this game. You're challenging her to confront her non-productive fears and if you're sure about your intentions to be a good partner this could be very teaching and helpful for her.

You should also consider whether you'd actually like to continue this dance and whether it's not too much effort.

@Ourboros33

How did this turn out, what did you do?
Finding myself in a similar situation and I'm interested in experiences