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I don’t know where this came from, but I have strong feelings about ending my life tonight. I feel awful about bringing this here, but I’m scared and I don’t feel well. I should be well past this. Sometimes the feelings just come on so strong. I’m so tired of dealing with this PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) every day of my life. It’s exhausting. I’m so tired. I try to be optimistic and give good advice. I’m just so tired of carrying this god damned weight that my parents placed on me. They’re dead. Resting peacefully. I’m stuck with what they did. I’m so tired of it. I can’t have a normal life. I’m very confused.

JNChell,

I don't know about your story. I really wanted to reply to you though. You sound like you are near the end of your rope tonight. Please remember though, that the feelings WILL pass.

I've never been suicidal, but there was one night (one of the worst of my life)... my H had revealed to me the depth of his betrayal. That night I literally cried all night, praying out loud that God could make me fall asleep and let me never wake up. It was truly awful. But it passed.

Tomorrow things will look different, no?

I just feel really bad. I can’t describe it. I’m just tired of not feeling good. I’ve tried so hard and done so much work, now I’m crashing and burning. I feel terrible. I feel like PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). I don’t feel like I’ll ever come out of this. It’s very acute right now. I’m a slouch and a loser for this. I’m out of energy for it.

My road to restoring my own mental wellness has been going on for a couple of years now. We had series of traumas, and much rage, verbal abuse and "crazy" things he did.
It is a long, hard road, full of ups and downs. It sucks when it seems like all the work a person has done STILL hasn't totally fixed things.

For you, when you're not feeling terrible like today, how well do you usually cope and get on with things?

If you are totally out of energy right now, it might be a good time to

1) go to bed
2) get energized by a cold walk outside
3) distract yourself with a shower, watching a comedian, or putting on a comedy movie.

I don’t really know. Right now it all just feels fake. I’ve adopted what feels like bs. In times like this it just feels fake. I know what my reality is. I’m damaged and I will always be damaged. It’s exhausting to fight that. I’m tired.

Thank you Butane. I appreciate it. I’m just having a hard time making sense of everything. I don’t see my place in it all. I’m more of a burden than an asset in this world. Damaged goods. I’m full of trauma. I don’t know what else I could offer if the trauma wasn’t there. It seems like that’s all I have anymore. That’s no way to live. It’s so loud. It hurts and I’m tired of it.

Wake tomorrow full of shame and guilt for bringing this here? It’d be a repeat. I’m tired of the repeat. I just want to get away from it.

JNChell,
Are you up and about for the new day?

Hi, JNChell.

Bringing this here is exactly the purpose of a support group. You reached out, and I am glad you did.

How are you feeling today?

Please check in with us when you can. We're here :hug:

Hi JNChell

I can't imagine what this is like for you.  I haven't experienced what you are going through right now, so I am not going to pretend...

I am just here to support.  We want you to stay with us. :hug:

Like Butane says though, this too shall pass.  It's acutely painful right now, but it's a "feeling", and just like the feeling "came", it will also "go".  


Yes you have trauma.  You are not alone JNChell.  Trauma is everywhere.  It is in victims of fire, flood, Covid, War (Syrian's), immigrants fleeing horrors, as well as victims of all kinds of abuse.  So what I am saying is that you have lots of company, and are not alone.

You will get through this.  

To put your quote on its head, how about thinking about this differently?  Instead of thinking of yourself as being damaged, would it help to think of it as making you "more human" because of your experience?  Look at it this way, because of your experience, you can actually help others heal because you and they share something that others don't.  Inotherwords, it becomes an opportunity to make a positive difference in the life of others, because you understand them.  And you do that every day when you post encouraging words of support here.

It might not feel like it's possible to feel anything positive right now, but those are feelings that will pass because feelings don't last forever.  The fact is, your life experience has led you to this board where you make a difference for someone every day.  Differences don't always have to be big. They can be small differences.  And while we don't always know it, the small differences we make for others can lead to big differences for them.  And if that doesn't feel authentic to you right now, it's ok because the feeling will pass.  What's important, is that you care enough about helping others to make the posts you do.  That is important work, and without it from people like you, this forum couldn't be sustainable, and new members wouldn't get help.

When you are well, what brings you joy?  Horses?  Western movies?  Cowboying?  Animals?  Nature?

I'm wondering if reconnecting to something that you enjoyed before this feeling overcame you, could kickstart the brain chemistry to go back to baseline.  Physical activity also does that for me.  Just something to help this feeling you are experiencing pass a little quicker right?

Keep posting JNChell.  We're here for you.  Tell us what helps and what doesn't if you feel like it.

I’m fine. Slept it off. Talked to my doctor and he said to stop taking the meds that he prescribed. Perhaps they haven’t been helping like I thought they were. I don’t understand how I got that low. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt worse. It was out of nowhere. I sincerely apologize. Thanks for reaching out.

Holy, I've heard of those reactions to medications.

Good to hear that's what is was!  Thanks for the update.

Hi JNChell,

I am glad you talked to your doctor. It did occur to me that this could be a result of medication. One of the worst depressive/suicidal episodes I ever had was due to an antidepressant I was taking that turned out to not be right for me at all.

Did you say you are on a break from therapy? Have you considered going back to it? I know you said somewhere else that emdr is not available in your area, but there are other trauma-focused therapies (Rapid Resolution, Somatic Experiencing, just to name a couple) that may benefit you.

Trauma does not have to be forever. With the right therapy and the right therapist, I believe that there is hope in overcoming it and being released from the daily struggle of it.

I hope you are able to find a medication that works for you as well without these kinds of results. Unfortunately, as we discussed before, this sometimes happens because antidepressants are not an exact science and there is lots of trial and error. Will you be following up with your doctor?

Good to hear. well done.  |iiii

Hi JNChell.   :hug:

I am glad to hear you woke up feeling better and have a likely cause for such a drastic change in how you have been feeling.   I had a similar experience when I abruptly stopped taking a particular antidepressant (forget the name) and it was 2 weeks of hell to get through.  Being able to link it to a cause made a huge difference in terms of being able to hold on to the fact that what I was feeling was temporary.

At the risk of sounding like a "don't worry be happy PollyAnna flag waving club member" (!) there are a few things to take a look at when you get through this period.  Not now, but when you are in an even better place, take a look at where your mind went when feeling this way.  Drug induced or not, I think there may be some thought distortions going on.  No worries there though, we all do it and it goes hand in hand with depression and trauma recovery.  The key is to see if you can identify the distortions and then learn how to untwist them.  (I put links at the bottom of this post.  Let's dig in when you are ready.)

Now all that said... my friend do not apologize for coming here for support.  You did the right thing.  Reading your posts, this stuck out for me: 
Ugh.  I know this well.  It seemed(s) so unfair that it is over for my parents and I am still struggling... and they never had a clue about the damage they caused or how sick they were.   

What if I told you we can get to a place where we can put that load down?  I am not saying I am there all the time, but I am there more often than not.  I think the feelings you express here will wax and wane as a part of life... and yes, that sucks too.  It is what it is... and yes, sometimes I hate that phrase.

---

POLL: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0)
Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0)

I Am Redeemed. I’ve heard about this when it comes to medication. I went through the initial loading phase and thought that things were pretty good. I don’t understand the sudden drop last night. I’ve thought about every variable. It has to be the meds.

I am on a break from therapy. Yes, I plan to resume it. I had to see where I was without it.

I’m, again, very skeptical about meds. There is no proof that the meds caused me to break down like that, but deductive reasoning says something different. I got very low, very fast without a trigger. That scares me.

Harri, thank you. You’re right. I have more crap to process. I just don’t know how much more there is. I thought that I’ve spilled it all.

Thought distortions are obviously present. When I hit bottom last night, I emotionally punished myself. I degraded myself to the point of wanting to end things. I have been very mindful about realizing that bad feelings are temporary. Like I said, I don’t really know what happened last night. I called a hotline, which is something I’ve never done.

I know that there is a better way. Like I said, I fell into a whole last night that I didn’t see coming. No triggers. I’ve been doing really well, so I don’t understand what happened.

Okay. So, let's look at the good things here. I see you saying you emotionally punished yourself for your own feelings. But, let's look at your responses to that:

1) You called a hotline

2) You posted here for support

3) You alerted your doctor to what you experienced

Those are all acts of self-care, JNChell, and they are victories. You had a crisis, and you responded with tangible acts of self-care. That is awesome  :wee:

Somewhere, somehow, you have learned to respond in healthy ways to unhealthy symptoms in yourself, and that shows much progress. I am proud of you.

I think that a running theme for many of us who experienced neglect and abuse is that we feel fundamentally undeserving of the grace and compassion we would extend to another in the same position. You felt one way (I am bad/wrong/shameful/fill-in-the-blank for feeling these things) but you acted in a different way (I need help/support and I am going to ask for it). That is huge.

I hope you do get back into therapy. Sometimes we may think we have processed all the memories, but there still may be a general overhang of feelings that are driving our triggers. Also, and I don't know if your therapist got into this with you, but trauma survivors can have attachment issues that may need to be addressed in addition to processing the trauma. My T says trauma is like an onion. There are many layers to be peeled, and some of them may surprise you because you didn't even know they were there or how they are contributing to the way your emotions and nervous system respond to the environment around you.

I hope you continue to reach out when you need help.

Hi, IAR. My therapist didn’t go into attachment issues. When I would become emotional and start to cry, she would redirect me. I didn’t get it, but I put my trust in what she was doing. I’m not so sure that this was right.

The trauma and the underlying affects suck. There is no questioning that. I’m afraid of meds now. I was much better off without them. I tried them and things started to feel good. Then the bottom fell out. I want nothing to do with those pills ever again.

Trauma is most certainly like an onion. I wonder where it ends, though. That’s the hopeless part. When does it stop being so loud?

JNChell,

 :hug: Can I just sit with you quietly and give you a hug and offer someone to be there with you? Whatever you're feeling, I don't mind.

Now on to the subject of Meds. Meds can be a challenge. Once my daughter hopped from antidepressant to antidepressant when she was in college. I couldn't say much as she was an adult, but I tried. We now know this was when her Lyme disease was actually getting pretty bad. In 6 weeks she tried 9 antideppressant meds. She ended up suicidal and had to stop them all and slowly go back to what we knew worked. Now she is aware enough that she calls for help when she even thinks she's going there to a scary mental place.

There is a cheek swab DNA test that will tell you what drugs will work, what definitely won't work, what might work, and what will be harmful to you. We offer the test at the physician's office where I work so I am aware of it. There are physicians who will perform the test, most likely an integrative medical doctor, and then it's sent to a lab for the study. It has been effective in eliminating the trial and error and scares like what you had.

I can assure you the trauma heaviness gets less and less as you heal. There are times of triggers, yes, but they're so much less frequent than those initial months of T. Look at how far you've come! I think it's amazing.

Well, guess I didn't sit too quietly with you now, did I? Sorry. Well, I'll be quiet now. Still here keeping you company.

 :hug:
Woolzie

Did you take them as prescribed?

taking half a pill is not the same as halving the doseage.

How are you doing today?

Frustrating as hell isn't it?  There may not be anything new in terms of new memories to be uncovered, but certainly deeper layers to work on.  Gaining deeper understanding of a particular incident is as important as uncovering new stuff.  No idea if you need to hear this or not so I will try to be brief.  (If it does not apply to you it may help someone else.)  I spent a long time examining events, analyzing the abuse, telling my story, etc.  I looked at and worked on the emotions and thought I was done... only to find out I was not.  Heh, I was not, and still am not done.  Even acceptance has layers.  Something can still sneak up and bite me in the butt... and it hurts and my first reaction/go to response is to get upset because I am not done yet, I thought I had it all uncovered and processed and when will this end... and all of that and I can find myself in a similar rabbit hole that you were in and it can get away from me and lead to despair.

The thing is, it (healing and processing) does not end.  It gets better and easier as we apply the tools and do the things you did (reach out for help and support).   Using tools like identifying the distorted thoughts and then untwisting them is a huge help in the situation you had.  It may not be possible when you are deep in the weeds, but now that you are more settled, work it through.  I will often say healing is not passive.  We have to take action (apply tools, self care).  Healing is an ongoing process.   Yes, it sucks maybe especially when our parents are dead and 'at peace' (though I have thoughts on that too... half baked as always)

This applies for anything and everything and for anyone and everyone.  I am blunt too so I am going to say to you what i say to myself:  Accept it (and remember acceptance does not mean you have to like it) and work it through otherwise you will stay stagnant and that is worse (IMO) than death.

How's that for a supportive Harri pep-talk?  This sort of talk is my idea of hugs.  I can do softer ones too.  :hug:

On the list of 10 thought distortions, which ones can you identify played a part in what happened the other night?  What steps can you take to untwist them?  (this is another active part of healing and what I mean when I say work it through)

I am not sure there is a better way.  I do think there is a different way and yes, you did that by reaching out for help.   :hug:  I stand with IAR in saying I too am proud of you.  Now apply more tools.   |iiii

One thing I do want to say is that if the depression and SI (suicidal ideation) is due to medication effects, I would be very cautious for the next two to three weeks.  SSRIs stay in your system for a while and sometimes abruptly stopping them can cause difficulty (see my story about that above and what Wools shared about her daughter) for a while until things get back to normal.  So, what can you do?  Plug into supports (here, friends, family, hot lines).  Exercise.  Eat and drink clean (no high fat foods, high sugar and no alcohol).  Find projects to work on.  What else?

(I just had a flash where I saw you sitting there reading this and rolling your eyes at me.  It is what I would do in your shoes :(  :)   If that applies to you, you can picture me sitting here grinning and saying "I know, right?  So annoying! and then I would hug you again)

Wools, I did not know about the cheek swab!  Thank you. 

Good point.  Some meds are not meant to be cut in half.

Hi, Wools. Thank you for the reassurance and support. It means a lot.

I was unaware of the DNA testing. Maybe I should ask my doctor about that. Going through that with your daughter sounds like a very scary thing. I’m glad that she came out of it okay. I can’t imagine how it must feel to watch my child go through such things.

I’m aware that the affects of trauma lessen as we heal. For some reason my anxiety was getting pretty intense, so I asked my doctor about meds. I’m not sure that it’s for me. I’ve been feeling triggered at work by a couple of employees, so I wonder if that explains the heightened anxiety. I know it sounds silly, and I feel silly about it, but the feelings are what the feelings are. It’s little nuances like that that can tend to make me feel worse about something that is nothing to a person with level self esteem.

I appreciate you Wools. Thanks for sitting with me when the silence would be otherwise deafening. :hug:

Hi, Cromwell. I didn’t think about that. I gave the meds a week and a half with the prescribed dosage. The doctor said that it would take a week to settle in to the chemical change. I was having increased and uncomfortable sensations. Yeah, I should’ve talked to my doctor before altering my dosage on my own. I just figured that less would be better, and it was until the bottom fell out. Maybe it was some kind of crash. I don’t know, but it might explain things. Thanks for reaching out.

Hey, Harri. Feeling a little funky, but I’m good. Like you said, it’ll pass. I’ve got S5 for a few days, so that’s nice.

I understand what you’re saying. It is hard to not get upset when those feelings come back when we feel like they’re finally behind us. Perhaps I need to focus a little more on being patient and accepting when these feelings come about.

You speak of the healing process will be ongoing. I believe this as I’ve read it here and from other resources as I’ve become aware of my true situation. I brought this up with my T, and she said that I can heal and eventually have no side affects. Coupled with not really being allowed to become emotional during sessions, maybe she wasn’t a good fit. She did help with a lot, but maybe some parts weren’t helpful.

This applies for anything and everything and for anyone and everyone.  I am blunt too so I am going to say to you what i say to myself:  Accept it (and remember acceptance does not mean you have to like it) and work it through otherwise you will stay stagnant and that is worse (IMO) than death.

This is eye opening. Staying stagnant in this crap can be hell everyday. I appreciate your bluntness. It’s my language. *)

1. All-or-nothing thinking
4. Discounting the positive
5. Jumping to conclusions
6. Magnification
7. Emotional Reasoning
9. Labeling

I can attribute these to the list of how I was feeling. The only thing that really makes sense is to focus on the tools a lot more. To grasp them more tightly and take them more seriously.

Harri, I’d never roll my eyes at your advice and comfort. Thank you for reaching out. :hug:

As uncomfortable as that experience was, look at what it yielded in terms of self awareness and identifying faulty thinking!  :wee:

Like others here who have begun the process of unwinding the damage from our past, I agree that uncovering trauma is like peeling back layers of an onion. Another metaphor is picking up a cafeteria tray and a new tray pops up.

Though it’s a seemingly neverending process, so is life. There’s always “stuff”.

But what I’ve found with my own trauma, though as you said it never goes away, my response to it is different. I can remember things but I no longer have the emotional charge that those events once had. It’s sorta like watching a movie of my life. Wow—that scene was sure weird and unpleasant, but I no longer feel those uncomfortable feelings in my body.

Therapy is awesome when you find the right fit.

Hi, Cat. Like I said, there wasn’t a present trigger. The bottom just fell out of me. It was gradual, but abrupt.

I’m with you on being able to remember things, but not feeling negative emotions because of those memories. I’m not bi-polar, but looking at it, it felt that way. A sudden drop into negative emotions.

I like the metaphor that you’ve given. The half asleep zombie walk day to day, for lack of better words. The dissociation and trying to block it out. Yes, we know it’s not healthy, but it’s easy to do. Thank you for reaching out.

JNChell,

You have helped me. I am seeing this post a couple days after, but you mean something to this community and I instantly wanted to let you know I find value in you.

Thanks for not being afraid to share in the darkest moments. It is here we can walk alongside you.

 :hug:

Imatter33, thank you very much for the kind words. I hit a rough patch, and it’s very reassuring to find so much support. I find value in you as well. This is a special place. I’m very glad to get to know you. Thank you for reaching out.is there anything that you’d like to talk about? Conversation is always nice.

I feel the need to apologize here, and have to admit that I feel foolish for what happened. I sincerely appreciate the support that you’ve all given, but you shouldn’t have had to. I’ve done too much work to regress into suicidal ideation. It does have me taking a closer look at myself and looking at making adjustments to better care for myself, but I just feel bad for placing feelings like that at the doorstep of others. I’m very sorry, but very grateful that you all were there.

JNChell I feel for you here. It’s only normal for you to feel the weight of what your parents did, as you eloquently said. I fell very ill about 5 years ago which lead me to my epiphany and finding this site. Had plenty of suicidal thoughts on the way, but now I’m back to my usually Happy Chappy ways. It will pass. Maybe you’re just burnt out, I know I do that and it’s common in a BPD family settings. Why not go to the Dr. they’ve got some cracking drugs and some of them are legal. I found revealing the stress coupled with medication was the way I mended. I sold my business and now just work part time. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved. People with our background often end up adicted or homeless and yet you and I have kept it together this long. Well done us. You do an excellent job on this forum under Queen Hari  , but it sounds like you need to give yourself a break, live Prince Harry. In the mean time here's a joke. What did the 0 say to the 8 ? Nice belt.

No need to apologize. Any one of us could feel the way you did. No matter how much self work we’ve done, we are all human.

I think you are beating yourself up here. That tendency is something to be aware of. We strive toward perfection, but can never achieve it—such is the lot of being born in a physical body.

Perhaps it’s time to redirect those feelings toward appreciation of all that you’ve accomplished, knowing that there’s always more to be learned.

 :hug:
Cat

HC, I feel a bit burnt out. I encapsulate my days with these thoughts, what I should be doing better, recognizing my triggers and how to cope. I am quite spent. The thing is, I do love this community. It’s a special place. Perhaps I should be careful with that, though. I never would’ve thought that a joke about an 8 and a 0 could be that gut wrenching. The corniest of the corniest. But I laughed my  :cursing: off. I appreciate you.

Much more to be learned, Cat. Thank you.

We have the sort or upbrining that would encourage us to burn out. Can you take a break ? I've sold my business a few months ago and I've purposefully done nothing (but focus on my health) and I have improved dramatically. It's amazing what doing nothing can do. Mind you I'm getting fed up of Judge Judy, shes on 3 channels. If I wanted to listen to a bad tempered woman that thinks too much of herself, shouting and criticising I'd visit my mom. Actually now I'm not ill I also have more compassion for my BPD mom.

I’m happy to hear that you have been able to create that space for yourself. Im in the process of trying to do that because it feels very necessary.

Yeah, how is it that legal matters become reality TV? I’m not surprised by much anymore. Tell your 8 to pull it’s pants up and tighten its belt.

JNChell   :hi:

I join the others in giving you the support. I'm glad to see that you coped fine. We all have down days. It gets easier. As you investigate when the down days happen you'll often find that there are often cognitive distortions. It gets easier as you work on them.   |iiii

Keep trucking and I hope you may enjoy your weekend.

Hi, gotbushels. Thanks for bringing this to the table. The cognitive distortions. I hadn’t even thought about that. There is so much to consider sometimes, and it can be difficult to stay on top of it all consistently and at the same time while the feelings go into motion, or cause bad thoughts and hopelessness.

You’re right, it’s important to remember what causes those feelings when they come about. There doesn’t always have to be a trigger, sometimes they just show up. I imagine that this happens more now because I’m open to the trauma and it is at the surface. It’s not repressed, and definitely something that needs to be worked through.

In all of the studying and research that I’ve done about my condition, one thing that has always stuck out is that a great deal of victims give up when it gets really hard. When the feelings get very acute, they don’t understand how close they are to a final and gradual downswing in these feelings. They give up and choose to live in the dysfunction. That’s not a judgment by any means. I empathize with the struggles. I understand. I still just refuse to be defeated by this stuff.

I equate the cognitive distortions to my inner critic, which is equated to conditioning of the mind. My parents are still with me beyond the grave. It’s hard to overcome, sometimes hard to stay on top of, but my responsibility to get past. Sorry for opening up the floodgates here, but the thoughts are present, so why not?

JNChell   :hi:

As Cat Familiar mentioned- no need to apologise for expressing yourself in this place of support. If it helps you get through things- let it be. If you've been on the boards for some time and people come forward with their vulnerabilities- I bet you let them do it so they can work through it. You don't expect an apology for their honesty. So take the rights you give to others.   |iiii

You don't have to be on top of all things all the time. If you have this expectation of yourself, that's going to lead you to tend toward the magnification/catastrophising error. So I encourage you to take things one step at a time. P.s. I hold to what I said before- prayers help a lot. So pick just one distortion that speaks to you- that you want to work on, then work on it.

Be clear about what you want to do, where you want to go, whatever image of mental health you want to make of your self, and don't make things harder for yourself- we all need support from others from time to time.

Hi JNChell! I related to your post. I have been there! Dealing with everything is exhausting! And at times.. I feel very alone in it! Some of the members here have given amazing and insightful advice..and I don't have much to add. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you feel!  :hug: If you enjoy reading..I have a few book suggestions. First is Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. I also just read Revolution Of The Soul by Seane Corn and LOVED it. Its a memoir and has alot to do with yoga but I found so much valuable information about releasing trauma in it! My favorite quote from the book is: "You must first acknowledge the "F**k You" before you can get to the "Bless You" This was pivotal for me! Maybe you can't relate to this, but for me, I have always tried to find the purpose and the lessons and meaning of it all. I still believe that the spiritual aspects have been key to my healing..but I was missing the "f**k you" I have been setting time each day to release as much as I can and it feels like letting air out of a big trauma balloon that I call my mind! So I bought a cheap folding exercise bike on Amazon and I shut my bedroom door and go miles on this bike. I really feel like I am getting the "crazy" energy out of my body! While on the bike I put my earbuds in and listen to music that speaks to my soul! Sometimes its angry music, sometimes uplifting, sometimes its those songs that I know will make me cry..the songs that feel like the soundtrack to my life. I have even been brave enough to listen to the songs my brother and I loved as kids...like Mary Jane and Free Fallin by Tom Petty and Never Tear Us Apart by INXS. After his suicide I ran from these songs because they tore me up so badly and reminded me of my sad childhood. I feel like I have taken them back. I feel like when I cry I am crying healing tears. I feel like I am releasing the traumas and when Im done it feels like a weight is lifted. Of course...I'm not cured. But I am TRYING to see my breakdowns as precursors to my next breakthroughs. Funny story...a few months ago I lost it! The neediness of our outside family had me feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. I went outside in the dark with the intention of "deep breathing" I ended up quietly punting each one of our solar lights one by one into the nighy sky(I dont have neighbors). Typically I would feel shame..but instead I felt an odd satisfaction. I told my husband I'd clean it all up in the morning and went to bed. Now my husband and I cut the tension when one of us is feeling overwhelmed by saying...Hide the solar lights, or time to get new solar lights  lol With all the BS I have dealt with in this life I feel a real success in the fact that it's just solar lights I'm kicking :) Im sorry you hit a rough patch..and I know all too well the disappointment of feeling "past" certain things only to find yourself feeling hopeless again. I too have questioned whether I could go on...the strength is in admitting it and seeking help! Be as kind to yourself as you can... you deserve it! :hug:

Hi, Lstrayed. Thank you for sharing. I can understand having to feel the anger before being able to be at peace. It’s a back and forth and up and down road.

I’m so sorry about your brother. You sharing that has given me perspective on the impact of doing something like I came here with.

It’s just hard sometimes and it’s nice to be able to bring it here. Your hubby sounds like a stellar guy. I admit, I chuckled at the solar light story. Not at you because I understand the frustration, but the fact that the two you are able to understand each other and laugh at it yourselves. That’s nice. Like, awesome.

Thank you for sharing. :hug:

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