BPDFamily.com

I showed up here on this board in pretty bad shape. Like the relationship, the healing process has also been a roller coaster. Having a young child with her made things very difficult, but it’s better that we’re apart. I can see that clearly now. I’ve done my share of talking about how she triggered and mistreated me, but the facts are that I did the same to her. She undoubtedly has BPD/NPD traits. I’m clinically diagnosed with C-PTSD. There is no way that it ever would’ve worked, and I can look back on my selfishness in relentlessly pursuing her when she would leave. The thing is, we never really came together. I think there was a safe distance (eggshells) until we would crash against each other. I love her as the mother of our Son, but the romantic feelings are gone. She regularly shows up to exchanges with her BF, and it doesn’t bother me. I no longer have anxiety when I’m on my way for a face to face exchange. I don’t think that we’ll ever be doing holidays together, but I feel okay with the fact that our little family is no longer in tact.

It’s been approximately two years. She and I were never really a fit. The passion on the front end only goes so far. She seems to be happy with her current situation and I’m glad for her. I hope that it works out long term.

Good to see you're in a better spot JNChell  |iiii

Its so powerful to be able to accept that love as it is and not try to shape it into something else.

I came to the same conclusion as you, I'm now friends with my bpdex, and I do know I love her and forever will, and I also know a relationship between us won't ever work.

Best wishes friend
 :hi:

I just want to say... Its takes courage and strength to be where you are at. Bottom line is...you made it here. Continue to keep on keeping on and live life the way you want to and your life will only get better and go up from here...do not allow yourself to entertain any notion otherwise!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Thank you both for your kind words. The funny thing is, is doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. It just is now.

Snap, I’m glad to hear that you’ve found that balance with her. BPD is on a spectrum. Sounds like you and your ex are better off being friends. It’s commendable that you’re able to move past what was and embrace what is/can be.

You know, some of them are very dangerous, but most of them just need some people that understand and have a reasonable amount of patience.

SC, Thank you. I’ve read a lot of what you’ve had to say. I agree with a lot of it. I appreciate the encouragement that you give about putting ourselves first. Detaching from my ex is a graduation to processing my parents and childhood. It’s been gradual, but now it is.

JNChell, I'm really glad for you - it sounds like you're feeling at peace with things.

I think it's great to take the opportunity to reflect on how far you've come. Cheers to healing and learning and moving forward!

Thank you, I8kgrl. How are things in your neck of the woods?

youve come a long way, JNChell. it shows in your posts.


this must be nice. i never had to face such a thing, but when you can see an ex, deal with them, and not have those old pangs, its a real freedom.

Thanks, or. You have been a huge help and I truly appreciate you and what you do here. Yes. It is very freeing. You know, the most freeing part is just to see it for what it is. I would’ve never gotten there if I hadn’t learned to own my part. My 50%. The pangs are gone. Time to tackle some more stuff. *) I appreciate you.

Hi JNChell, I'm pretty good, thanks. I came very close to looking at my ex's Spotify today but resisted. I even listened to some of my own music. And survived another day of working from home while trying to help my kids with e-learning. So, I guess you could call the day a raging success!   :)

Hey there, I8kgrl. I’d definitely chalk that up as moving forward. You know, I’ve been wondering how the home schooling/e-learning thing is going. There’s a page here. “Stump The Experts”. It’s at the bottom. There’s a thread going called “What Music are You Listening To?” Maybe you could post some songs for the rest of us to listen to. Just a thought.

It’s good that you resisted. NC also means no looking. You’re giving yourself space to evaluate things objectively. To see what is best for you in moving forward.  :hug:

@JNChell - I found the link to the off topic board but it's telling me that it's been archived. I wasn't able to get through on the link to the recipe board either. Maybe they are closed to new users? Not sure...

Not sure. I’m not a moderator. You might report it. Regardless, you’re welcome to share songs within this thread. Here, I’ll start.

Tedeschi Trucks Band
https://youtu.be/kiWbBC0SouU (https://youtu.be/kiWbBC0SouU)

@JNChell - happy Tuesday!

Here are a few for you - enjoy! :)

https://youtu.be/ZQuwcLswIGs

https://youtu.be/5_e8RRTT0r8

https://youtu.be/PNWsW6c6t8g (ignore the cheesy video, it's just a great song - about moving on)

Great songs! Are you able to post on the “Stump The Experts”?
Here’s one that I really like. She’s one of my celebrity crushes, but it turns out that she’s a lesbian. My hopes and dreams are smashed! Lol. Anyway, it’s a good song.

https://youtu.be/EjlLQSsWVv4 (https://youtu.be/EjlLQSsWVv4)

JNChell, I still can't get on the other board but I messaged an admin...we'll see :)

Brandi's great. If I had a dollar for every gay guy I've had a crush on...well, I'd have 5 or 10 dollars  lol  (Just one of my many flavors of emotionally unavailable love interests, haha)

Lol! Right?

Great news, JNChell!  Detachment, for me, was about reaching a place of indifference towards my Ex.  It sounds like you are there.  I only wish my Ex would find a BF, but no such luck!

LJ

Hey, Lucky Jim. You’re exactly right. Indifference. Does your ex still bother/reach out to  you? I hope that I’m not treading where I shouldn’t in asking how things are going with your boys. Have you seen any improvement?

Hey JNChell,  Thanks for asking about the boys.  There was some improvement when my older son was spending his Fall Semester in Australia, but now his college is closed and he's back home with my Ex, so things have cooled off quite a bit.  My younger son is also home from college, living with my Ex, so I'm practicing patience until they get back out on their own again.

My Ex reaches out every few months to lob more blame, guilt, obligation, anger, etc., on my back.  I usually acknowledge it, but don't react to it.  She lost her credibility with me long ago.  Plus, she's an unkind person.  These days I try to surround myself with supportive people.

How is it going for you?  It sounds much better, from what you describe.

LJ

So happy to hear that improvements are happening! I believe that your patience will pay off in the long run. Sounds like your ex is basically out of people, so she has to try to offload her feelings onto you. It’s a sad existence.

Things are ok my way. Some major adjustments are happening and I hope that I can navigate them with success. Always good to hear from you, LJ.

Same here, JNChell.  Yes, from time to time, my Ex still tries to offload her negative feelings onto me, but I'm out of the game.  I feel sad about my boys being under her influence, but that's largely out of my control.  I continue to reach out to them, and they know I am here for them.  I remain optimistic that at some point the tide will turn.

I'm happy to hear that things have improved for you.  As you say, it's better that you are apart.  I agree!

LJ