BPDFamily.com

Hello,
my girlfriend has BPD and yesterday i tried to have a discussion with her about her not sharing information with me. We've been together for 5 months and recently it started feeling like we distance ourselves from each other. Not gonna lie, in the beginning i was taking everything personally but slowly i started getting used to the issue and being more supportive. Sometimes it doesn't always work and i too can't control my feelings because i felt offended and basically everything that you can find on internet about how someone with partner with BPD feels. She started treating me like a stranger and avoiding any serious talk. I don't even remember how i felt, a huge variety of negative emotions covered with hope and understanding. What triggered me is that i'm trying to be supportive and understanding but she basically won't let me. She doesn't say it in my face but when i tried to make one only appointment with her therapist to find out what BPD is and how i can help my own girlfriend, how i could become supportive and understanding, she didn't let me do it. Her therapist is the only person who could have helped me and she didn't let me talk to her. I of course understand her intentions but i had no other option. I didn't want to do anything upsetting and i didn't want to lie to her so i just forgot about it. But i'm still lost, it's getting worse and i don't know how to fix it. Our honeymoon phase ended and now i face everyday insults that i try to close my eyes to, but deep down, it still hurts because she knows how it makes me feel and when i tried to talk to her yesterday she just called me a pussy and immature and left the conversation. I don't want to break up, i love her and i know we can get through this, i am just desperate for help. I don't have any friend who i can trust and when i try to talk to her best friend there's a 99% chance that my girlfriend finds out how i truly feel. Our honeymoon phase just ended so i was closing my eyes to mostly anything negative she addressed to me but now it started hitting me. I didn't try to set any boundaries but i'm definitely going to and very soon. I know that it'll be hard in the beginning and in the future, I just wish i could find someone who would understand me. I don't want to go to a therapist for myself yet because my parents don't know about my issue and i don't want to make them engaged. They have their own personal problems and struggles. Most of the time they are stressed out and i can't just drop such a bomb on them. I don't say that they won't be supportive, i say that they would try to choose the best solution for me at the moment and it's a break up. I'm not willing to give up or run away, i love this girl and i believe in our future, not matter how hard it can be.

*welcome*, don.

it sounds like for starters it would benefit you a great deal to learn more about what this disorder entails...what it is, what it isnt, the dos and donts. this is a great place to start:

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

the trick isnt to take nothing personally, or just paper over things. you wont survive that way. but the balance is to have the strength to be able to face some raging, some nastiness, as well as idealization, hearing about how great you are, and to keep an even keel in the face of it all; its a tall order.

if youre going to be in this relationship, you have to understand the nature of your partner, and have realistic expectations in terms of what respect might look like, and it might be inconsistent.

but you also get to set the terms of what is unacceptable to you, and you should. it is critical for a person in a relationship with someone with bpd traits to put certain things in the "absolutely never" category.


this is an example of something not to take personally; it may not be about you. she may be communicating her own limits. she may not be entirely comfortable with the idea of you talking to her therapist. if you push, she will be less inclined to be comfortable with it.


as i said, you are going to be on the receiving end of raging and hurtful remarks. that goes with the territory. people with bpd traits sometimes speak without a filter, let it all fly, and it can be extremely hurtful to the people they love. it should not be your attitude to aim for it not to hurt. its going to hurt. its critical, to have a strong support system who can help you work through it and stay on an even keel.

youre the emotional leader here. as the emotional leader, you want to try to guide this relationship on a healthier trajectory. when one is calling the other a pussy, that just breeds disrespect. there are ways to address this. you dont want to fire off and respond in the moment, or yell at her not to call you that. you want to gently work toward, as a team, putting that kind of thing in the "never" category. that is usually best achieved in a time of calm...a while after the incident.