BPDFamily.com

My young adult son (22 years) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  His Dad and I are divorced and my son has, for the most part, kept his primary residence with his Dad since he graduated high school. That was his childhood home and he has a lot of personal space there in the basement. I say for the most part because in the last 2 years he has come to live with me because of issues with his Dad’s common law only to return there after not being able to abide by a boundary that I have set. The last time that happened was a few weeks ago but this time was different because I now live common law with my boyfriend, who caught the blame instead of me. My son refuses to ever come to our home again, even though my CL offered to not be home. Whenever there are issues, my son says I’m selfish, narcissistic and accuses me of not ever considering his emotional state. As I am sure everyone on this site has experienced, whatever I say or do is wrong and whatever I don’t say or do is wrong. I feel so helpless and don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a relationship with him that is genuine and not strained again. It difficult to say but the peace I have when he’s not around is nice and I want to give up sometimes but I know I can’t, he’s my son, and I miss him dearly.

Hi BeenBlessed and thanks for writing in.  I agree there are lots of mixed emotions in dealing with our beloved BPD adult kids.  Can you be ok with the fact that your son chooses not to visit your home?  During  covid pandemic, another alternative would be to meet him via online?  Another thought that helps me is " What someone else thinks of me is none of my business"  .  This helps with the hateful rhetoric that comes out of the BPD mouth. It is ok to feel guilt and relief at the same time.   Can you tell us more about your guilt feelings as you are able?  Maybe we can be a sounding board here.

Swimmy55 thank you for the supportive response. I am ok with my son not living with me but I’m not ok with him not wanting to come to my house.  That said, I met with him today to give him a graduation card and gift and he said he would come for mother’s day whereas a few days ago he refused to come even for that (despite my partner offering to be gone all day to see his own mother). It’s a step in the right direction, at least until the next blip in the radar that sends him into a rage. I do sometimes feel guilty that I’m having to live my fair share of this since he has mostly lived with his Dad, but I don’t feel guilty about instilling boundaries. I need them, and I want him to learn how to navigate people’s boundaries from the safety of a relationship with someone who will always love him. The panic sets in now and then at the thought that this might just keep chipping away at our relationship until there’s not much there, but if the way to avoid that is to walk on eggshells I just can’t.

One thing  that has helped me:  The BPD switches standpoints, opinions, feelings a lot.  What they feel at 1 PM is sometimes very different from 2PM on the same day. The hard thing for us parents is to not attach too much to their heat of the moment ( unless it's life threatening of course).  Trying to detach mentally and emotionally from them is very difficult, but must be attempted in order to preserve your sanity , otherwise we will allow ourselves to be emotionally beaten , whipped and not knowing which side is up.

Another thing : We as parents have the same rights as our BPD kids and that fact often gets lost in the BPD tornado .  You are obliged to set boundaries in order to not get trampled on.  BPDs often aren't able to establish any, so it is up to us to teach them how to treat us.
From what you have written , I see a lot of hope and love in your inter action with each other.  You have also shown him even though you have set a boundary, you still love him by your willingness to meet him at somewhere neutral/ comfortable for him in order to give him his present and card.  

Now remember, he can go hot and cold 50 different times with you before Mother's day , so don't get discouraged  .  Manage the  expectations-  In case he gets in a snit the day of and decides to not come, I suggest you a give your self a Mother's Day present for you no matter what. This way you are in control of taking care of your needs and not setting your heart up to be kicked.  If he does come, that is just a something extra to enjoy on top of an already great day.