|
Title: Graduation Post by: Hummingbird29 on April 30, 2020, 06:51:14 AM Well I’m back again with another life milestone. My wedding was a success although my mother was driving me up the wall, so hyper focused on herself, but I just stayed focused on the day and I’m so grateful to have married my best friend. It’s been 4 months now and next week I am graduating with my Masters (virtually). I would love for my mother to be part of it, but have I heard from her for a month? Nope. I tried calling her twice but no call back. I finally texted her “hey just wanted to see if you’re ok, I hope you’re well. I love you”. She responded but did she ask me how I’m feeling (ya know, as someone will a disability and low immune system during a pandemic), nope, nor did she tell me she loved me back. I’ve become REAL tired of people blaming me and saying “I should do more, reach out to her more, tell her I love her more, because she just wants to be loved”. Yeah, well, what about me? My husband- bless him- used to say “I’m still optimistic for your relationship with your mom”. I finally had to tell him to stop saying that because it made me feel like I’m not living up to his desire, which he understood, and stopped.. Why is this still happening, do others blame you for not “making” the relationship happen with your BPD parent? And how can I stop wanting her love and a connection with her? It just makes me feel sad and angry, when I reminisce, and I want to let go of this baggage, but still want her to be part of my life? It’s so confusing.. (And yes, I’m still in therapy- a work in progress).
Title: Re: Graduation Post by: Methuen on April 30, 2020, 09:56:54 PM Congratulations on your wedding! :wee:
Congratulations on finishing your Masters! :wee: Excerpt I would love for my mother to be part of it, but have I heard from her for a month? Nope. I tried calling her twice but no call back. I finally texted her “hey just wanted to see if you’re ok, I hope you’re well. I love you”. She responded but did she ask me how I’m feeling (ya know, as someone will a disability and low immune system during a pandemic), nope, nor did she tell me she loved me back. BPD's aren't capable of empathy. So that's probably why she didn't ask about you. This next bit is going to come off sounding disingenuous, but try not to take it personally. Honestly, the part of the brain that's wired up for empathy, may not be wired up for her. Someone on this site gave me that advice once (to not take it personally), and it really upset me at the time, but it turned out to be sound advice. I get it now. Excerpt And how can I stop wanting her love and a connection with her? It's natural to want a parent's love, validation, and connection. The people who are lucky enough to have parents who can give those things can't understand what it's like for us, because they've never had a BPD parent. This is probably what it's like for your H (and why he said he was optimistic for you and your mom to work it out). I think for me, the eureka moment was when I realized and accepted that I needed to change my expectations of my mom. Understanding BPD helped me understand what she was and wasn't capable of, and what her struggles are like for her. Once I adjusted my expectations, I became less resentful, and felt less hurt. Does that make any sense? Has your H read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? It might help both of you in different ways if he read that book. |