Print Page - Looking for advice - 20+ years of marriage to undiagnosed BPD spouse

This is the first post I have ever written on this topic. It's the first time I am admitting outside of my family that I've been suffering in silence for 23 years. I've been doing a tremendous amount of research and trying to figure out the best way to move forward. For years, I thought it was me and I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could be a better wife. Until just a few months ago, I didn't have a clear picture of what was happening in this relationship. I've never seen or experience anything like it. BPDFamily has been incredibly helpful and from posts I have read, I am shocked that my situation isn't unique but the patterns of behavior my husband displays and our interactions seem almost "cookie cutter." I am saddened that so many others endure similar pain, fear, and chaos. But I am glad I have finally found somewhere to turn for some support.

After receiving a one line email from my spouse in the middle of the night that we should get a divorce and he'll "let me know next steps," I felt I needed to start a post here and see if anyone has some advice that might work for me in the current situation. I would greatly appreciate any insights you can share.

Me: I've always been independent, had lots of friends, interests, athletic, driven, like to have fun and enjoy life. I don't like to be super serious - prefer to be more lighthearted and enjoy things around me. My parents have been married for 62 years. I was married at 30. I'm professional, a hard worker - both at work and at home, and am reasonably successful at what I do. I'm overly self-critical and just two years ago realized/was diagnosed with ADHD - which I always joked about, but I'm totally ADHD which is generally a good thing for me with a few challenges.

My spouse: Youngest in his family and apparently an "unplanned" pregnancy as a result of his mother trying to save her marriage. But things got worse and his dad didn't give him attention - his father was either always at work or with other women. Or, when at home he told me his parents were always in terrible arguments. They finally divorced when he was 12 or 13. His mother was always bitter and still obsessed with his father. When I met her she was an extremely cold, critical person and I felt on edge around her. His father was in his own world and didn't really engage with you in a conversation and wanted to be the center of attention. My husband has numerous examples where his dad used him to sneak around and have affairs with his friends or neighbor's moms right in front him. Over the years, I have asked him to get therapy and he did briefly after his dad passed away several years ago, but he's never worked through the full extent of these issues.

As you can imagine, I have 23 years of details I could share. Although, oftentimes, I don't recall the specific details and over the last year began recording some of the lecture argument sessions - which is me getting yelled at, lectured at, enduring emotional & verbal abuse, then the silent treatment. I feel like oftentimes I am on the sidelines watching this whole thing happen and it's so bizarre. But after listening back and analyzing the recordings, I was able to "hear" what was happening and actually listen to the irrational and sarcastic comments at a time when my head wasn't spinning. I consider myself a strong and independent person but I am extremely ashamed that I allowed myself to get into this situation. I am ashamed to admit this failure to my parents (even though I know they would support me and only care about my well-being), ashamed to fail to the outside world (I know, who isn't?) and I feel incredibly guilty about my kids having to endure this and the impact on them. I couldn't have left my husband earlier because then my kids would be alone with him and I wouldn't be there to protect them. My kids are young adults now and in fact, they were the ones that suggested my husband was BPD.

The Relationship Cliff Notes:
I never meet his expectations of what he wants from a wife. Yes, he never hesitates to use me or brag about me to others to make him look good. No matter what compliments, special attention or things I might do, they go unnoticed and he feels I don't act like a "normal" wife that treats her husband lovingly. I'm feeling incredibly burned out and realize that no matter what I try, it will never be enough. If I do something he asks, he will just ignore it or criticize how I didn't do something right. Then, everything I have ever done "wrong" is added to his scorecard. The entire scorecard is yelled out at me during every one-sided argument. I will never be able to fix all of those things nor will I be able to meet expectations for things in the future. After the drama dies down, he never apologizes and expects me to initiate communication and apologize. In his mind he thinks we are having a fight or that I was somehow 1/2 of the equation, when in reality I'm a bystander watching everything go down. Of course, any little thing can set him off. It's the typical Jekyll/Hyde situation. I believe I probably need to get some help for myself as I was definitely suffering serious depression for the first time in the Fall. But, I am feeling physical issues which I suspect is due to trauma. I feel fear when I hear him walking on the floor, when the garage door opens and he's returning home - after he yells at me or when I'm on edge that something's going to happen, I'm physically shaking a lot. I am startle extremely easily and my husband gets mad at me if I startle because he says I'm over-reacting. I can't help it and feel he cause this. In his mind, he's a nice, generous, sensitive guy and a wonderful husband. Yet, even my kids notice he seems cold and very intense a lot of the time, except for when he's in a good mood and joking around. He always states I am the one who is cold, uncaring, unapologetic, etc. However, my kids' perspective is that I am always apologizing and state he acts is cold, intense, many times void of expression (except for when mad). I would probably feel a lot better without him and I would have a chance at a more peaceful future. But the difficulty is the thought of breaking up our family unit, all of the time and investment, and hopes and dreams for the future. But those hopes and dreams won't happen unless he can change. From his perspective, I am the one who needs to change, I am the one who isn't communicating and doing things "correctly" (it's impossible to communicate - he doesn't hear me and when I've tried to express myself, even my feelings are used against me). He's been threatening me with divorce and I don't where his head is at. I don't know if he's serious or it's a manipulation because he knows I don't want to fail at my marriage or family and that I'm dedicated to make everything work. Consequently, I suspect he takes this approach to get me to react and give him attention. He has no one else. If he goes through with the divorce, he's essentially alone and so I'm not sure if that's what he's really intending. Or, if he really thinks there's some other woman out there who will make him feel the way he's imagining a woman should make him feel. Lastly, we are always together. We don't spend much time apart. I have many interests and hobbies I would like to pursue, he doesn't have any. I feel like I am his interest/hobby. I also feel obligation to try to help him. He will always be tortured unless he can get help. But he doesn't want to go to counseling because he thinks he will be the "bad guy" and everything will be blamed on him (as he's told me). I don't know where to go from here. I'm tired, sad, and exhausted from having the burden on my to make him feel the way he thinks he should be feeling ... it's like I am running a marathon and the finish line keeps getting farther away. Or, the scene from the Shining when the hallway keeps getting longer ... ;)

Questions:
- Is there any online "test" or video, something that he could watch that might give him an "ah-ha" or even create curiosity to look inside himself and potentially lead to seeking help?
- Thoughts on the prospect of divorce with the information I've provided?
- Any general advice?

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Aspen9 on April 30, 2020, 03:06:32 PM