BPDFamily.com

 :help:

Hello all together,

I am a 27 y/o female from Germany and found this amazing board here. I really need to write down some of the things that happened to me in the past 4.5 months. Everything started like a dream during my travels throughout South America when I met my boyfriend (Ecuadorian, 38 y/o).

As you might be able to relate, I thought I found my dream guy there even though he was pretty upfront from the beginning about his "demons", former drug addict and diagnosed with Borderline but I was too naïve to leave right away, because I always try to believe in the good of a person and furthermore he seemed to be quite aware and self-conscious about his mental issues. To wrap it up shortly, it turned out that he is not a dream guy at all: no stable income and no capacity whatsoever to handle money (Since we continued travelling together I had to pay almost everything), alcohol abuse, emotional rollercoaster, JEALOUSY STRAIGHT OUT OF HELL but worst of all for me were the physical attacks where he would not let me go out of the room, grab my arms so tight that they bruised and pushing me on the bed. One time he plunged himself that hard with me on the sofa that it literally broke. He even damaged some of my stuff and I was constantly afraid that one day in an outrage would break one of my valuables. And he always managed to make me feel guilty for his outrages and I always tried harder and harder but no matter what I did or how I behaved his rage would always haunt me down. That’s one side of the medal.

The other side is a loving, caring, funny and exciting and manly man I was always longing for, which kept me stuck in the relationship. Many times, I thought about leaving and one time I actually did it but he lured me back in because I wasn’t able to keep the “no contact”. A lot of crazy things happened and the fights and the violence wracked me up so much that deep inside I always knew that I had to get out of that relationship. BUT I STAYED! It’s unbelievable but I felt like being under a spell even though the relationship was DRAMA DRAMA and more DRAMA!

Then came Corona and things deteriorated quickly while being locked up in a small room together. I realized I had to leave to get away from him because I was an emotional wreck from all the verbal and physical abuse and gas lighting/invalidation and I was afraid he might be capable of becoming really violent, even though in that sense he never hit me but I am not sure how far he would go. I sought support from my family and was finally able to leave Colombia with one of the repatriation flights. It was really a struggle until he finally led me go. Nonetheless it was heartbreaking for me to leave him behind and just to secure him a bit I left him 300$ (which “evaporated” quite quickly). We kept in touch when I was back in Germany but he kept controlling me through calling and messaging and we fought constantly because on top he started getting a depression. Often times both of us said that we end the relationship but somehow it wasn’t ended. The fallout happened when he found me on tinder (yes I joined tinder because I kind of saw my only chance to escape him to distract me with chatting and flirting with other guys) and he threatened me to upload an intimate video of us as revenge porn so that “everybody knows what a slut I am” he insulted me in such mean ways that I have never ever experienced in my life before. The crazy thing is that he was always suspecting me of cheating whereas he was actually the one that was keeping warm another girl and messaging her explicit love messages. I blocked him in all channels and we did not hear anything from each other.

Then he contacted me from another number and once again the dance started and all the lame phrases where pulled out again:” I’ll change, I’ll do therapy, please help me, it’s all my fault”, and so on and so forth. According to him he already had treatment for 3 years but I don't know if it was Borderline specific. Furthermore he joined Narcotics Anonymous and had Anti Aggression Training because he had some trouble in the past with the law due to physical injuring other people in street fights. In the end I feel he isn't really remorseful because he always tries to point the finger at me and my deficiencies and those sentences are kind of a "remorse program" learned by heart but not genuine at all. But it WORKED AGAIN! I can’t believe myself, when we were finally talking on the phone again I was so happy and overwhelmed with feelings and love as if the whole time I was only longing to be reunited with him again. Now he is asking me to come back to him as soon as international travel is possible again and even though I feel like that’s the only thing my heart wants, my ratio is believing I fully went nuts… But there is this lost hope deep inside of me that we can finally have the relationship we always wanted to have, but I know that it’s just an empty promise and the rollercoaster will start again. I am wrecked…

Thanks for reading. I'm really looking forward for some exchange with you guys. Stay healthy! :hug:

Do you feel that you will be safe if you visit him?

Well, I don't know. My mental well-being and integrity is definitely at risk. But now he just broke up with me again. I feel so misused; first he tried to lure me in and now he pushed me away again. I can't handle that rollercoaster anymore. Of course he (falsely!) accused me of cheating. Anyone who wants to share thoughts?

My husband has accused me of "cheating" in some shape form or fashion for the entire 3 years of our marriage.  The first year I quit my job so that I could be there 24/7 hoping to alleviate some of the accusations. But, that of course, did not work.  They still continue to this day, although, more indirectly due to me leaving numerous times because of the accusations.   I have since returned to work, but have to endure outbursts and rages and emotional abuse anytime he feels insecure or the thought of infidelity crosses his mind.  I will say, so far for me, this has been ongoing continuous behavior with no end in sight and if you are no longer together at this point you would probably want to stay that way in order to maintain your own sanity! I am thinly holding on to mine...I am justgrateful for finding this site!

I can relate to that so much! And even though we will prove a 1000 times that we are not cheating, the 1001st time they will suspect us again. It's simply a race we can not win. My ex did control calls, controlled my phone, followed every single one of my steps, every guy surrounding me was a possible threat. From a "sane" person's point of view it's just ridiculous.
I know that a break up is the best for me but deep within I know that if he calls me again, I'll come flying and dance with him that dance of despair again.

I am sending you a hug  :hug:

 :help:
Now things changed again and I am more confused than ever, after luring me back in he dumped me again because he was suspecting me of cheating again. We are one week into NC. But I am wondering if that really is the final break up because it was so different. He sent me nice messages, thanking me for the time together and said that he loved me and I should'nt forget that, but he couldn't take it any longer and will set me free. He said he won't reply to my messages anymore and on his behalf, won't contact me anymore, too.
This was one week ago and he sticked to it. The other break ups were always different with a lot of anger and blocking / deblocking. Is it possible that this is really the final break up? I thought, BDPs always had to devaluate and can't leave a relationship with "good faith"? Or is he still manipulating me and keeping me as a backup?
What confused me is that he uploaded a photo on his facebook page yesterday (yes... I am stalking him secretly..) for mother's day and it is a photo of the three of us: him, his mother and I. Why the hell is he doing that (regardless the fact that uploading photos without consent is upsetting!)
While I was reading our chat this morning again, I accidentally pushed the call button and as you might know Whatsapp immediately transfers the call - F***! Now he saw that I called him but he didn't react either. I am so unhappy about this incident because I don't want to seem weak and like the one who reached out again.
I am so confused and so much in pain that I can barely take it. It's the hardest break up and relationship I had in years or maybe ever! I try to do my best but I have so many thoughts in my head that kill me. Why did he make empty promises again just to cut me off 2 days later? Before that I was quite fine but now it feels like a hurricane ravaged inside of me. Please guys, help me to clarify things for me a bit with your points of view and experiences.