BPDFamily.com

Hello.

I have been married for nine months. As late as March, my wife was sending me texts telling me that she loved me. We went into quarantine and then... she wanted me gone. She packed me a bag of stuff and then, hours later, I was driving 175 miles home to my parents.

A therapist I have been seeing suggested that she may be BPD and have some other form of attachment disorder, but I don't know what this means or if there is any grounds for hope.

Can anyone help?

BPD are known for the pull / push technique. There's a famous book called "I hate you, don't leave." A BPD's main fear is abandonment, so in my mothers case she would pack one suitcase and stand by the road. Then eventually come back in saying the taxi never arrived. Without meeting your wife, it would be difficult for a Therapist to know. Also Therapist are not allowed to diagnose (in my country). What leads you to believe BPD may be at play ?

The therapist is too professional to attempt a diagnosis at several removes, but thinks that there is some kind of attachment mismatch at play. She is quite an angry person, prone to sudden outbursts and falling out with family members. It felt like she was getting more and more impatient with me.

BPD has symptoms that overlap with other aliments. But the tell tale ones are a lack of empathy. Does you wife struggle to understand how other people feel ? Can you explain most of the behavior as benefiting herself, or does she help others without advertising the fact ? Does she often not thank people ?

There sometimes seems to be a slight emotional deficit there, a sort of lack of understanding and a readiness to reach for anger before any other emotion.

If the emotional absence has always been there then it may indicated BPD or a whole range of other aliments. If its just arisen then isn't that how most people react when they fall out ? There are techniques like S.E.T. and J.A.D.E. which aim to get the best out of all people, but work particularly well with BPD or angry people. Why not use these to reconnect or understand why this is happening. If you google these terms, or use the search above, they will be explained or your Therapist may be able to help. Then at least you know your giving it your best shot. I do appreciate how difficult times are for you, maybe attempting a resolution will help ? To a certain extent, if you wife has BPD or not, the approach is similar because it's an emotional time for her, weather she has BPD or not.