BPDFamily.com

I've been thinking about everything a great deal  more during these strange times, as I'm sure a lot of us have. Thinking about how she's doing etc. They are moments that pass and thankfully I don't dwell on them for hours or anything. They do always end with the thought of 'when will it actually end'. I'm sure others have the same thoughts.

Hope everyone is fit and well.

You know, I wonder about my life sometimes. I'm 40 years old. Reasonably fit and healthy. I look after myself, I eat right, I lift weights. I have a beautiful, strong minded, independent 10 year old daughter. I have a job. I have a circle of five or six incredible friends, that for the most part I've known for 15 years. I have my parents. Who are caring, kind, and who are doting grandparents to my child. I live with my parents (I've been there around 3 years, after my marriage broke up) but I have money to spend, which I spend on my child, and myself. I want for nothing. Trips abroad, with my daughter, on my own. I can go whenever I want.

So why do I sometimes feel like a man who has everything, and nothing, at the same time? I feel it's societal pressures. If you're single, there is some sort of problem with you. This is compounded by my marriage ending (mutual and absolutely the fault of both of us equally) and the last torturous relationship, which brought me to this site many months ago, adrift, lost and searching for answers. For anything that would stop me blaming myself.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, really. Just ranting I guess. Apologies.

Hi Plucky,

Don't apologize.

Lots of us are thinking (ruminating?) more about everything while under quarantine. I also think this age (I'm in my 40s too) is rife with questioning - the midlife crisis is a cliche but I don't know anyone at this stage that isn't asking some questions about where they're at.

Add in a divorce and a traumatic r/s with someone with BPD (check, check - I'm with you on both of those, too) - and it would be impossible not to take stock and to maybe sometimes question whether you're where you should be. In fact, I posted about almost the exact same thing just a week or two ago. This is not where I thought I would be.

And yes, there are also many, many things to be thankful for, and some of our bad feelings do come from external pressures. But it's also ok to feel sad or lost sometimes. I know I do.

I wish I had answers for you. I try to remind myself that even many (most? all?) of the people who seem to have it all figured out, don't.

Hope it gives you some feeling of peace or affirmation to know that you're far from alone.

Sounds quite a rude thing to say or imply?

Who are these people Plucky (society)? A significant proportion (over a third) of households over age 16 are single in the UK according to 2017 stats. (over 16 million people)

What is wrong with them? Specifically? Just not right in the head or something? Im just interested in where you picked up on this pressure, it seems more in place in the 1960s than in these modern times.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single. I just think there is, at times, a stigma attached to it. Sometimes it's in the media, and I don't know maybe it's me and what I pick up on, and how my brain interprets things.

You're absolutely right anyway, it is something that belongs in the distant past.

What I'm driving at really is that I know in my mind that it's perfectly fine to be single. But I feel sometimes like my life is lacking that someone to share it with. And that's something I struggle with sometimes. I question where I am in life, after the frankly $h! t last two or so years I've had.

I don't want to seem like this is a 'woe is me' plea for sympathy, here. I'm just attempting to explain my state of mind. I know that everyone in here is suffering, or has suffered greatly.

Hey Plucky, Now might be a good time to figure out why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  In other words, most of us Nons are particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s.  We hang in there when others would run for the hills.  Usually, there is something familiar about the dynamic, even though it's unhealthy.  It's worth exploring this question because it helps one to figure out what sort of a r/s to look for in the future, and what to avoid.

LuckyJim

some vague notion of society pushing me into a relationship so that id avoid some perceived single-guy stigma? Its not worth entertaining much, or at all. Reason being, there is stigma everywhere, it applies to being in a relationship too "he is only with her for her money" or relationships for example that have "too big" an age difference, or "they are just together because of the kids sake".

Plucky, you cant escape stigma or the chattering folk. Is it jealousy disguised as stigma? How happy are these people taking the time to judge you anyway?

Dont get me wrong because part of my relationships that have became problematic was veering to far on the extreme side of near complete disregard for 3rd parties. I have often been so immersed and selfish. I see in hindsight only that what Ive learned from it all is to have a skill based on that experience which seeks a special sort of balance. How much for example consideration would I give to how my step son would fit into the big picture? A lot. How much for some vague notion of society? Far less. But there would be something.

Im also siding with you that I suspect some of this might be our own invention that does not relate entirely with reality. Over-estimate how much others think about this stuff. Maybe more so in a country, regime that supports stuff such as arranged marriages or following strong/fanatical cultural dogmas that are hard to escape. Im in the UK though, comparatively there is far more scope to live a lifestyle of my own choice with far less pressure.

whatever choices we make in life, there is no escape from some criticism from somewhere? Emperors cant please all the people all the time, neither can we. All im trying to persuade here is, try not let it become too high a barrier that you cant overcome and either blocks or puts you down a path that is less about true happiness but living a life that hopefully pleases other people at the expense of your own.