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Title: BPD ex being cold and don't know how to react correctly Post by: Miner22 on May 04, 2020, 09:11:26 AM My quiet ex bpdgf dated for around 5 months and there were 2 breakups and reconciliations. About a month ago we agreed to be casual and take some time to work on our own issues, i.e. her BPD of course and my anxiety issues (which i think is a great initiative).
However over the last month she has progressively become more cold towards me and to the point where she simply won't reply to my messages, show a lack of interest when talking to me and never initiates any activities or conversations. It evolved into a heated discussion where she said "we shouldn't hang out as much since we are friends", and after 1-2 weeks of pure cold contact from her I got so frustrated and I said "i didn't want to waste any more energy" as a reply and said I wouldn't get in her way. Right now I'm 4 days no contact and we bumped into each other today by accident and we just froze up and walked away instantly. Part of me wants to tell her how much I love her, miss her and show how weak I am for her which i always did in the past. What I'm doing now is NC and I'm certain she's shocked as she knows I've never done this before and she didn't think I would be able to last this long without contacting her. Now the question i want to ask is what school of thought should i enact here and in future when a bpd ex/gf is being cold, distant and pushing you away? 1. Maintaining no contact: gives her time and space to revalue me and pull me back in, and contacting her would only make her push me further away? 2. Send an occasional message every couple days to show her I'm still thinking about her and hoping she's okay which can facilitate the split to "white"? Besides this, any advice as how to interact with a bpd loved one when they are splitting you, devaluing you and pushing you is appreciated. Also is there a time-frame for when they come back or is it just entirely situational? Thank you everyone. Title: Re: BPD ex being cold and don't know how to react correctly Post by: forgotmyusername53 on June 20, 2024, 10:26:04 PM Hey what ever happened here? Currently in a similar situation. Did you continue no contact?
Title: Re: BPD ex being cold and don't know how to react correctly Post by: kells76 on June 21, 2024, 09:48:59 AM Hi Miner22 and welcome to the group :hi:
Glad you're reaching out for some support and feedback. Effectively navigating a relationship with a pwBPD is not intuitive, that's for sure. My quiet ex bpdgf dated for around 5 months and there were 2 breakups and reconciliations. About a month ago we agreed to be casual and take some time to work on our own issues, i.e. her BPD of course and my anxiety issues (which i think is a great initiative). Two breakup/makeup cycles in five months is a lot. What were the breakups about? Who initiated them? Is she diagnosed with BPD? If so, is she accepting of the diagnosis, in treatment, etc? However over the last month she has progressively become more cold towards me and to the point where she simply won't reply to my messages, show a lack of interest when talking to me and never initiates any activities or conversations. It evolved into a heated discussion where she said "we shouldn't hang out as much since we are friends", and after 1-2 weeks of pure cold contact from her I got so frustrated and I said "i didn't want to waste any more energy" as a reply and said I wouldn't get in her way. A lot of members here have gotten to that point -- saying something out of frustration. You're not alone in that struggle. Looking back, did you mean it? Right now I'm 4 days no contact and we bumped into each other today by accident and we just froze up and walked away instantly. Part of me wants to tell her how much I love her, miss her and show how weak I am for her which i always did in the past. What I'm doing now is NC and I'm certain she's shocked as she knows I've never done this before and she didn't think I would be able to last this long without contacting her. Just for clarification, because we're here on the Bettering A Relationship board, "no contact" isn't really a relationship-building tool. If we're talking about "doing no contact for a couple of days", that isn't really "no contact" (which is more of a long-term choice made to support detaching from a relationship). We might actually mean "taking a break to cool down" (healthy), or we might mean "trying to induce a reaction in the other person" (unhealthy), or something else. Just want to make sure we're all on the same page with what we say and the meaning behind it. Clarifying your meaning and goal behind those words could be important. Besides this, any advice as how to interact with a bpd loved one when they are splitting you, devaluing you and pushing you is appreciated. My thought is that big picture, what's more important than "techniques" is you being really clear inside yourself about what you want. Reacting to a pwBPD's changing moods and feelings leaves you on the back heel, always chasing and trying to fine tune every word to recapture the relationship on her terms. It's letting an emotionally unhealthy person be in the driver's seat. For the relationship to have a chance at success, you need to be the emotional leader, and the first step in emotional leadership is cleaning up your side of the street by being grounded in reality and working on your stuff -- there's a good starter discussion in this article on "What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship" (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship) with a pwBPD. You mention getting some help with your anxiety issues; how is that going so far? Also is there a time-frame for when they come back or is it just entirely situational? Because each pwBPD is an individual, and the two of you have your own unique story, it tends to be pretty situational. Sharing more about the history of your relationship and conflicts is a good place to start, to find a healthy path forward with some improved tools and skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329747.0) |iiii Fill us in a bit more when you get a chance; kells76 |