BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone!

I am really so glad and excited to find this support group! My daughter (20) is diagnosed with BPD (as well as eating disorders, OCD, dissosiation and so on).

Her eating disorder and OCD started way back, but her BPD started off about a year ago. Up till then I thought I was this, well at least OK, mom. I find this new situation with rage attacks and extreme negative emotions super challenging!

I am interested in any advice, both in the short run and in the long run! My own personality is quite normalizing, I often goes like this: "M-hm, m-hm" in any difficult situation.

Hi Modesty68:
I'm sorry things have gotten worse with your daughter.

Is she on meds at the current time?  Any therapy?
 
Can you give some examples?

 Are you saying you are rather passive or don't react?

Hello!
We live in Europe, and the politics is that there are no meds you could use. I understand that real therapy is needed to get some real work done, but meds could maybe help to soften some of the symptoms? What type of meds are used elsewhere?
Rage example: Other people making noises can make her slam the doors really hard. Discovering her room is a mess can make her scream really loud, discussion about politics can make her crush a picture on the wall. She can also bang her head, and cut herself, or stop eating for days.

I think I do react, but I tend to keep it quite calm. I don't scream if she says she will kill herself soon, or if she says that she hates herself. I think it is OK to give her some space to tell me things, but maybe I should say some smarter things than M-HM. OR I could save the smarter things till she is in a somewhat better mood?

Hi Again Modesty68:

I agree with you, that meds can help calm some behaviors & set the stage for a better result from therapy, like DBT.  

How old is your daughter? What is her current diagnosis?  Any prior diagnoses?  I know it's common that some professionals won't diagnose anyone under 18 with BPD.

You mention her not eating for days. In the case of anorexia, one possible treatment might be to use certain antidepressants.  

There isn't a BPD med, but there are meds to address various behaviors.  BPD doesn't stand alone, but usually comes with other mental health issues (i.e. anxiety, depression & other issues).  Various antidepressants, antipsychotics and antianxiety meds might be prescribed.  A psychiatrist is best equipped to evaluate the collective mental health issues with a patient, & then prescribe a med or combo of meds to hopefully address the combined problems.  Many times, it can be a trial & error situation.

When you have some free time, you might want to do a few internet searches on current meds used in the US for BPD & specific mental health issues your daughter may have.  It would give you some specific drug names, if you want that level of detail.
  
Has she had any guidance in developing "distress tolerance" or "improving the moment" ?  Perhaps you can help her come up with a list of alternate actions.

i.e. When she feel like cutting herself or banging her head on the wall, what else can she do?  The alternatives need to be personal, but some people might choose the following:

Hit a pillow or  a punching bag
Stomp her feet
Do some form of exercise
Make a "rage page" & write out your frustrations
Make a playlist of rage music in advance & put on headphones on & listen to her choice of rage music, while doing some breathing exercises.
Scream into a pillow
Twist or squeeze a towel

When she discovers her room is a mess, is it a result of her messing it up, or someone else?

The link below leads to "Workshops", where you can learn certain communication skills/strategies.  On the first page (there are 3 pages), you will find 3 separate workshops on the topic of "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  

You don't want to validate anything that isn't valid, but it can be important to validate "feelings".  You don't have to agree with the feelings, but you are just acknowledging what she is feeling.  What's most important is that you don't invalidate by word, action, expression or body language.

A 2nd skill you might want to master is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).  It's a couple of lines down from the validation workshops.

WORKSHOPS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Thanks for all your tips, I will just dive in to them!

I find that there isn't much you can do in the moment to end a rage/anger episode, but there are a lot of things you could do that will make it much worse...

I have trained myself to say, "I can tell that you feel really angry right now," or "I can tell that you are in a lot of pain.." or something similar. And then I don't try to talk her out of her feelings (e.g., I don't say: "it's not that bad," or "you'll feel better tomorrow.")

I have to recognize that she doesn't have access to her rational mind when she is having an episode, so there's point in trying to rationalize anything with her. This helps me feel much less frustrated, and then I am less likely to contribute to any escalation.