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its been almost three weeks of just about no contact if very little. i texted her to tell her daughter happy birthday the other day and happy mothers day today for her cuz i thought showing her i still care would be sweet. after all i feel bad for her and the thought that i broke her heart breaks my heart. i have done this without any intention of getting back together but sometimes just a text eases the pain of the break up just to be on good terms but without any romantic inclination. of course this lead her to wanting to talk to me and get me back in with her intimately and emotionally. looking back im kinda not surprised as she often tries to lure me back in and has done it successfully many times especially when i am feeling weak and missing her. she usually does it by acting like she wont do the things that used to trigger me anymore. she will make comments to let me think she is changing her behavior and sometimes even her behavior has changed a bit at least temporarily but often for the wrong reasons. she also tries to lure me in seductively with talk of sex and she is very attractive. i have only crawled back to her when im really missing her and have a high level of denial thinking that its possible she will change. the sex is definitely a big temptation though. most of the time though it is not enough because i remember how much she hurt me and its just not worth it. not to mention it also hurts and kind of sickens me that she thinks sex is all i need to bring me back to her as if my emotions dont matter. i think about the good times alot and the connection we had when she was showing her true self and not damaged self which was very rare but very precious. when i facetimed her i kinda gave in a little and got a little mushy with her and i even flirted back a little when she was laying it on thick and playing the whole i miss you thing. then i got a wave of anxiety that stuck with me the whole night cuz i remember feeling like walking through a minefield with her expecting to be hurt at any moment. im going to need to be strong to not go and see her. i really feel like the best thing for me to do sometimes is to shut out any of those tender feelings of how she was with me when she was on her good side which was rare but what i held on to. ive taken the compassionate role and not wanting to hurt her have tried to be sweet during this ordeal and show i still care but i feel it could backfire. i think i need to recognize that that sweet little girl underneath it all that i love deserves love and is great but that i need to recognize the potential for destruction and emotional devastation inflicted on me is very real and i need to recognize im playing with fire and my tender feelings must be put aside. hopefully in her heart she can understand and i think a part of her deep down does. i just hope she feels the love as i depart. but it is also a risk i have to take. she hurt me so many times purposefully making me jealous and being vicious to me. she walked around like she was the most beautiful thing to walk this earth and thrived off the attention which made me feel incredibly small. she told me way too much information about her past that would make my head spin and someone with proper boundaries would keep to themselves. she took me on an emotional rollercoaster and i chose to get on cuz of my feelings and codependence. it may sound sleezy but i think i need to find some new girl so that i can get my mind off her and therefore she doesnt lure me in when im missing her and weak. of course i will have to enter this new relationship with respect and take things slow and not settle for less. it is only responsible to only date when u r absolutely ready and realize this new person is not just an object to get rid of your loneliness. that being said meeting someone new could be just what i need to remember how it feels to actually be appreciated

I think that you know what to do, this is definitely going in the right direction, if I can suggest something I’d suggest both.

What I mean is you don’t want to herb caught up in BOD style thinking thinking that someone is all bad or all good. Think about both when you’re thinking about her - write it down on the left column you have the good stuff and the right side the bad stuff and see how it balances out you’ll be able to make out what it is by writing down the bad things too about her when you’re missing her and you’re thinking about possibly getting back together.


I agree with you. You dint want to give into her every wish your ex isn’t going to respect that you mentioned that you want to meet others so they’re not going to respect you if you give into every demand. If you can’t stand up to her then how are you going to stick up for her?


The only person that can fix her is herself and she has to want that - nobody else can do that for her. If she’s BPD then you have neural pathways that are like ( we all have neural pathways ) like a path that have behaviors that are repeated so often that it creates like a roadway to change that you’re going to have learn behaviors to create new neural paths ways. First you have to be aware enough to know that you’re mentally I’ll or that there’s something off then you’d have to want to change that and that can’t come externally from others.

If she’s used to treating you this way she doesn’t have the incentive to change, why she knows your limits and she knows that if she acts a certain way for x amount of time then you’ll eventually give her what she wants.

To your point about seeing others I’d do it for a learning experience - learning new skill sets. I’d suggest not going in with any intentions - don’t think long term. Just think of meeting new people and if things eventually mutually work out in a way where you’re both interested in something long term then give it some thought. There’s nothing in meeting new people - just don’t go in expecting a r/s and im not saying that you are! I’m not also saying be a player either but maybe it’s going to be a good experience for to learn how to handle different personalities.

Thank you for the great reply mutt! I will do that pros and cons list. that sounds helpful! and ya i dont want to give in to her every whim even though i feel compassion for her because thatll kinda take away any backbone and not show any conviction on certain boundaries i wont have crossed. and ur right. as hard as it is for me to think because i love her, she wont change until shes ready. by me giving into her over and over without seeing change would be incentive for her not to change. and ya i agree. as far as seeing other people i dont expect anything to turn into a long term relationship but just to get out in the dating world and experience the reciprocity that goes with it might be nice. it might prime my brain for what i want in a relationship. i also have alot more insight into what i want from a relationship. i dont regret this relationship at all and the love i have for her. in alot of ways it has been a learning experience too. i saw lots of things that i loved about our relationship and alot of behaviors that i cant put up with in a relationship but i wouldnt have realized it without this. as i move forward with dating ill have more clarity and confidence about how to proceed and also how to communicate needs to another human being. i go back and forth of whether im even ready because i still love her but i think it would be good. if i choose to do it now i will just ease into it

I agree with you in regards to having gratitude for learning from your mistakes  |iiii You’re on the right path. I completely understand how it’s not linear when you’re getting of a r/s and getting out there and meeting new people and that’s all that you’re doing it’s good to experience new things.

I agree with what you said you’re not looking too far ahead if you go out and meet new people you’re looking at what’s in front of you. Step by step. One by one.

Thanks man! And ya its definitely not linear. its rather confusing and back and forth. yes exactly! step by step