BPDFamily.com

So, it's been a while since I've checked in since I kinda felt like there was line of advice and if I didn't take it I was some kind of moron. Anyway, to keep you up to date if nothing else, here is what has happened in the last 3 weeks.

Sun 26th April - after the kids have gone to bed W comes down wanting to have a 'chat'. She basically wanted to apologise for "being weak" and diverting her affections to another man when she was in her moment of crisis. She wanted me to know that she was truly sorry for what had happened and what she had done. She said that she understood how hurtful that must have been for me.

When I asked what she was going to do about it, was she going to continue to see OM etc etc... The response was 'I love OM and I intend yes'. I also asked for some clarity as to what had gone on and what had happened in the past so I could realign my reality. She said that I was living in the past, the past didn't matter and all I should focus on is the future. So really, it would appear that this was nothing more than an exercise of relinquishing herself of guilt and shame of what she had done and "moving on". Which kinda misses the point and still puts her squarely in the camp of incapable of self reflection. I'd seen this coming on the back of a bunch of daily devotionals she's been writing in a book. She was really struggling with the guilt and needed to offload it on someone. I actually sensed it had become intolerable for her hence I only asked her what her intentions were. I did not accept or reject her apology.

Wed 6th May - W throws a massive fit charging round the house knocking things off  a table and throwing insults at me because her laptop camera didn't work for an online meeting. After establishing that she could do the meeting without the camera in the middle of the garden in a bikini in the sun, that is where she went. Later she comes in and apologises for her explosion, to which I said "Please keep your apology and actually do something about it. I am sick of your empty words, if you mean all of these apologies I want to see actions else they're meaningless." She got nonchalant and dismissive. I then said "I suggest you apologise to D11 as well"

Thursday 14th May - W comes down after the kids have gone to bed and says that she has found a rental property for her and the girls available from the 12th June which is 300m away from our house. I was pretty emotionally flat about it. I plan to push for 50/50 parenting and work have already said they will be supportive of it given how well working from home is going and reasoning behind it. I am doing a lot of the home schooling as my W seems to be busy or out of the house much of the time despite lock-down. I have documented everything so should be able to demonstrate with ease my role in childrens lives. W has no plans to tell the kids yet although knows it has to be done. I am of the belief that a conversation about OM needs to be had as he'll invariably be "about", and kids will wonder why he is "about". Also given he/they are pushing to blend families (other incident on Sunday of W meeting OM and his kids (and our kids) despite lock-down rules) I would like that to be done on a truthful foundation rather than one of "we're just mates" and "you kids are all mates".

As yet I do not know whether or not this is a new book, or a new chapter to a very very thick saga. I still feel like this is running away, the move is impulsive and not particularly thought out. Post announcement I have been pretty chipper and cool.

Enabler

Enabler,

You are a very thoughtful guy and look at many angles.  Faith has been a part of the decision making in your journey.

I would suggest that you consider these words the next time an "apology" comes up.

"Are you repenting of (fill in blank)?"

"Are you offering reconciliation?"

At this point I'm not suggesting you do/say this, but I am interested in your thoughts about how you picked the words you did (and did not pick) in this last round and also interested in your thoughts of how you would feel using these words and how your wife would likely react.

If she insists on talking about the future, might be appropriate to ask if she intends to continue being a minister.

Glad to see you back posting.

Best,

FF

Enabler, now she has some specifics and is planning to move out with the girls. What do/can you do to protect your parenting time with them at this point? I would suggest that you check in with an attorney because of her plan that includes a date and a place. It might be an impulsive and poorly executed plan - it's still a plan.

I agree. Now that her plan is in place, you need to assert your plan for 50/50.

I think you and I are on the same page.

I see repentance as a package, it doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation and I do see the two being mutually exclusive. In my mind (and the teaching she offers to inmates at a local prison) repentance, or saying you are sorry comes complete with the acceptance that the recipient might need something back from the apologist. The apologist accepts that there may be need for restitution and that by being willing to apologise they should be willing offer that restitution... to make good. A friend asked me what would 'make good', I struggled to answer him, however a starting point would be to know the truth, at the very least to somehow make sense of my past. She wasn't willing to offer that... in fact she wasn't willing to offer anything other than cheap words.

As if by chance (or maybe not) I was reading a bible study on Jesus's treatment of an adulterous woman. He neither condemned nor condoned her actions but told her to leave her life of sin. In many respects I can't condemn my W for what she has done, but I certainly can't condone them either, but given her beliefs and the fact that she acknowledges that her behaviour was wrong, she also has a duty to turn from her life of sin.

Enabler

So, in the short run there are some serious logistical things which point to more Daddy time than Mummy time. In the UK, from the 1st June specific years go back to school in an attempt to climb out of lockdown. My 3 children are all not in these specified years so they will remain home likely until September. My W however works in a school Wed>Fri and also works in a local womens prison on a Tue. So, I will be required to look after them and home school them for the next 2 months in any case. I have been fully documenting the time spent with the children over the last 3 years and have full support from my employer for long term support with regards t working from home to enable 50/50 parenting.

I have found from experience that proactively suggesting 'how it's going to be' is met with conflict (I think she experiences it as me being controlling), instead waiting for her to 'tell me how it's going to be', and then saying 'No, that doesn't work for me'. Seems to yield better results. Ii guess it's a case of her working it out for herself rather than me telling her how it is. At some point she will come up against these logistical hurdles and realise it's likely going to suit her to leave them with me a lot of the time.

Enabler

Enabler- I have a different take on her apology. I know you tend to take the "repentance" view on things and see this as incomplete. To you it was self serving and not enough. When you continued to pursue the point, asking for clarity - she retorted with "you are living in the past".

I think it is possible for her to be sorry about what happened and still wish to move on and to be with OM. She may not be sorry about being in a relationship with him- these two have had one for several years now- and yet, still feel sorry for the way it happened and the effect it has on you and the children.

Divorce - even in the best situations- is still difficult. Of course she is going to have mixed feelings, yet still want to move on to be with OM.

Your wanting to rehash what happened, see her express remorse, consider herself to be in the wrong. That's a lot and something like this may not be possible with someone with BPD. I find that a true deep apology isn't something a person with a lot of core shame can handle well. To do what you are asking her to is extremely emotionally difficult. The apology she gave you may not be up to your standards, but also you may have minimized what was her best effort. Together or divorced - either way, it's tough to be on the end of "inadequate".

Yes, she had the affair, but if the only way she can redeem herself is to be put through some difficult repentance with you, I'm not sure this is what she can or wants to do.

I prefer closure too. But sometimes we don't get this, and sometimes it's because the person isn't capable of it. But now that the stage is set to move on, perhaps it's best to move forward with protecting your parental rights and some kind of cooperative co-parenting.

Enabler, I understand the idea of letting our spouses figure out their own limitations and make their own way. When my h moved out, he did it because he thought it was the best thing to do at the time (and he had some support to help him with the process). His pattern of parenting has not changed - he had been minimally involved with the kids and that has continued.

Several months after he moved out, he "felt bad" about what he had done to me and d15. He called and left a vm confessing and saying he was sorry about it. Then a year later, he told me that he didn't want to discuss the past because it causes him distress. I just listened and thought that this is really not a typical relationship in which we would be able to talk about what has happened and both parties be able to express their emotions and experiences in a mutually supportive environment.

For me, this is a very important part of having a healthy long-term relationship with another person, and I can understand and accept that my h's tolerance for distress is minimal. That difference means that our relationship will be superficial and most likely, he will continue to avoid the distress that would be required to repair our relationship. The odd part is that he doesn't think that our relationship has changed and is distressed when he is reminded of the changes.

I can see a couple of very positive aspects that have come about - you have support from your employer to work from home so that you can be available to parent your children (especially handy during this time)...  and EnablerW has decided to find a place for herself... 

As long as she doesn't start pushing for something that wouldn't be acceptable, it seems to be wise to let her figure out the consequences of her own decisions. That way, you aren't the cause of these things and can preserve your ability to parent your children.

Thanks Notwendy and Empath.

We had a discussion last night which inevitably ended in her storming out exclaiming "this is the reason why I can't be with you". Anyway, we managed to sustain communication long enough to have a discussion about telling the kids (not concluded but agree it needs to be done sooner rather than later) and logistical arrangements for the children. I listened to her proposal initially, which was in essence Disney Dad with a few bolt on's, and then put forward that I would be looking for 50/50 parenting and explained that Covid had broken down a lot of corp barriers and I had full backing of my employer. She looked very taken aback. I further went on to mention the short term implications of me needing to look after the kids due to her employment and volunteering. At this point she tried to use that additional time as leverage to suggest that she should get more nights because of the additional time I would be able to spend with them whilst she is working. I pointed out this wasn't quality time.

We then looked at how a 50/50 split would work in practice and I initially put forward 7 days on, 7 days off. She thought this was too long away from the kids and preferred a 4 days then 3 days rotation... however, neither of us could work out how this resulted in an equitable split of time with the children assuming that the weekends are more valuable time.

I then broached the subject of clarity around OM to the kids. I have seen how devious both OM and W are over the years and given their form I would suspect they will just try and slide OM and his family into the lives of our children covertly. Questions from the children will be met with deceit. I believe they have dealt with enough of that in the last 5 years +. W played down relationship with OM saying that she didn't know what life after looked like and her and OM weren't "BF and GF"... I struggle to see how this is the case knowing they have been away together at least 3x, they have been sleeping together for 3+ years and they see/talk every day. I told her that if I was asked by the children I would be honest with them. I had a bit of a preachy moment where I talked about the devil being in our home, living in the shadows, in the deceit that fills our families lives, and how I think we need to shine a light on it, and how I want to live in the light and pursuit that for our children.

She still doesn't own the choice to divorce, says that "I don't like you, I don't want to be with you, you're dangerous, I never wanted to be divorced, I never wanted to break up our family, this is why it has taken so long for me to get to this point!" (she then storms out) I felt a rush of guilt when she said this think somehow I must be missing something about me which would make me wholly responsible for this situation... it took me 5-10 mins to scroll through the mental Rolodex of evidence I have collated over the past few years, the hours and hours of mental cogitation, soul searching and taking myself to those dark dark corners of myself to be able to say to myself "NO, I DID NOT MAKE YOU DO ALL THIS, THAT'S NOT MY BURDEN TO CARRY".

Notwendy, I think you are 100% correct about my W's sense of being sorry but yet still wanting to carry on with OM. She claimed to understand what 'the thing' she was apologising for must have felt like for me, have some sense of the experience I went through. The act of infidelity she might not be able to undo, the marriage she may not feel that she can repair, the relationship with OM she may feel she cannot end (all of them not optimal especially put into the context of her religious beliefs)... but there are many things that she could do as part of her request for forgiveness... she could help me re-align my reality with the truth. The situation she has offered is ALL for her gain. She gets to release herself from guilt whilst offering nothing in return... it's all me rescuing her from her guilt and shame... for free. Actually, I'm not even helping her by providing that forgiveness for free, I'm perpetuating her delusion that she can act, and there be no consequences. I completely agree that the level of emotional and psychological nakedness required for her to do this is utterly beyond her... but in some sense, shouldn't this be telling her something, shouldn't the fact that she can sense that she is not capable of 'practising what she preaches' not send her clear messages that there is something up with her?

Enabler

There are a few ways to do a 3-4-4-3 (or 2-5-5-2) that swap weekends.

https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/3-4-4-3.php
https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/2-2-5-5.php
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/5050-custody-what-does-look

Some of these links do a deep dive into "ok, if time at the school building doesn't count for either parent, then how do we split the other time evenly". Might be helpful if the kids go back to traditional school.

I would also challenge the assumption about which times are the "valuable" times with the kids. It's all valuable time.

Thanks for the ideas, they may be useful.

I guess my point about weekends is that those are the times when you can do “stuff” rather than just live life. I hear you on “it’s all important”. I guess my understanding of it all being important is a motivation for wanting to get involved in life rather than just Disney dad “stuff”.

What do you think she means when she says you are living in the past?

If you don't want a 7 day schedule, another option would be a 5/4 schedule.  Drawback is it is more complex, positive side is you aren't away more than 5 days:

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun
x        x        x       x        x     y    y
y        y        x       x        x     x    x
y        y        y       y        y     x    x
x        x        y       y        y     y    y

And pattern repeats:
x        x        x       x        x     y    y

Was her response to this line of discussion that you are dangerous?

Why not go for one of those plans with every other weekend, let her pick first or something like that.

I think you are at a place where you can say "sign here and you get to move forward with your life" (which is code for OM..or likely is in her head)

I wouldn't specifically talk about her life with OM being easier, but saying things like "wouldn't your life be more convenient and easier to schedule with longer kid free periods?" or something like that.

I'm glad you stood up for your parenting time.  Make sure you are ready to move forward on the rest of your stuff to secure that part of the deal.  

I'm assuming that's the most important for you..right?

Best,

FF

It's really about logistics now. As one of our U.S. comedians says, "Git 'er done!"

I say that because I feel you still want and need something from her that you simply are not going to get. She isn't going to admit that there was or is now an physical affair with OM. She isn't going to admit that she started and continued a downward spiral in your marriage. She isn't going to tell you what her intentions are going forward with OM. Not going to happen.

My ex wasn't BPD or NPD. He was diagnosed with chronic depression and some addiction issues. It was a full 18 months after our divorce before we could have a reasonable conversation about the demise of our marriage and our mutual regret and responsibility for it...nothing that saved the marriage but did improve our co-parenting.

So stay strong in getting the best settlement possible for your daughters, then let time take its course.

Personally a longer schedule would be preferable. I'd imagine the vibe in each home is going to be somewhat different so a period of settlement in each home is likely. It makes sense (in my head at least) to make that period of settlement as low a % of the total time as possible. I also need as little ambiguity and scope for her passive aggressive behaviours to impact the schedule as possible. Drop offs will be stressful... any getting out the house is stressful anyway as she tends to be disorganised and by her very nature doesn't deal with stress very well.

I need to consider the settlement very carefully. Retaining the house even with a gargantuan amount of debt feels different now with 50/50 parenting. I had previously discounted it as clinging on to the past for no good reason.

Skip, I think my W means that I am clinging onto a relationship that isn't there by wanting to discuss the details of the relationship failure in an attempt to fix it... to make her see the light... to make her see the errors of her ways. I don't think she can understand that just like the parents of victims of a serial killer beg the murderer to disclose where the bodies are buried and details of what happened, there's a lot of questions I need would like answered. That would be something for me, something that feels like it would bring me back from a negative to a neutral... But as GaGrl rightly points out, she's likely not capable of this.

Enabler

I've read about this on the Detaching for years. Guy comes home, gf and furniture are gone. He never hears from her again.

He begs for "closure."

But there is no closure. It never comes.

It never comes because it really doesn't exist.

When our lovers turn and walk away, what they are feeling and experiencing is nothing like what we feel or experiencing. It's like someone picking a puppy from a litter - its a beautiful exciting day for the person getting the new puppy and its a wonderful day for the puppy. But no one gives a passing thought to the mother who cried endlessly into the night when she lost her pups (if you ever saw it, its gut wrenching).  If you asked the person who is home and joyfully playing with there new puppy to explain why they did that to the puppy's mother - what would they say?

"Sorry"

"Sorry" I didn't mean for my happiness to hurt that mamadog. I love my new puppy and she loves me. I need to go buy a fluffy doggy bed.

If you probed for more, what would you hear/see? Silence. Distancing.

If your probed and probed for more, what would you hear/see? Minimization (I might take the dog back, she keeps me awake). Justification (this is how everyone does it). Annoyance (who are you to judge me). Eventually anger (I don't want to talk about it).

Having our heart broken is a painful life experience. Thousands of sad songs are written about common human dynamic.

There's always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said that love is always fair?
And why should I care?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcTWPATbMXI

There is no closure for you - or for any of us, Enabler. Just loss and grief.

And what is grief? It's a God's way to help us deal with something we are powerless to change... the loss of something we love or valued and can't get back.

In reading your posts, I often get the sense that the feelings you are feeling now are a protective cover over the deeper feelings in your heart. The loss of something very dear to you. The fracturing of your family. The uncertain future you face.  

It's time to grieve and cry... to come to accept that its over. That there are no words or deeds that will undo what has been done.

... but you feel you have no place to cry. No one to comfort you at home. Not with her. And your children wouldn't understand.

Her moving out will give you the space you need to "feel".

Maybe it is time to turn your bible page.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

You can share your sorrow and hurt with him.  You can share it with us too.

Skip,

I went for a walk in some nearby field yesterday with the kids. They didn't want to go and moaned most of the way, but it was a glorious day and the world just seemed that much more beautiful than normal. I asked the girls whether they thought that I was different recently. They seemed bemused by the question as if they'd not noticed that I'd lost a leg or I'd gotten myself a face tattoo. See the thing was, I felt the most chilled I have in as long as I could remember. I whatsapped a good friend and told him that I felt a serene sense of calm and contentment. I went on to say "I'm either so terrified and sad that I'm just morbidly numb, or I'm at peace with my situation... quite odd". He replied... "Or u have accepted. I was at XYZ 4.5yrs... it was the entire time. That's a lot of time for the stages of grief bro!" It seems true that 'it's only when you accept death, you start living, but I think I died a few years back, now things just seem to be a positive. I have a calm that I've poked around in the dark dark places of my head, I know me, and in that sense I can be real and genuine.

I agree that there will never be enough questions answered, enough detail, and to get even close enough would be enough to push my W over the edge. It would be nice to get a letter, some high level detail, a framework of what my reality should have looked like... and here's the thing. At the moment I have enough detail to be dangerous (in my own head). I do not think OM was the first. It's in the nice to know box at the moment.

Enabler

I have a different story but with a similar theme. My H decided to stay with the marriage but there was a period of time where I don't think he wanted to. During that time, he was angry, cold and verbally abusive to me. I had no idea why, or what was going on. I wondered if there might have been someone else. I don't know.

I also was pleading him to tell me what was going on, reading books on marriage, trying to figure out what the problem was and to fix it. It was a lot of energy with little return. I finally just gave up, didn't leave but focused on the needs of the children for the moment. He was going to do what he was going to do. I felt it would be worse for the kids to break up the marriage but honestly, if he wanted to leave, I felt it would be better than being married to someone who didn't want to be married to me.

He decided he wanted the marriage, and agreed to MC. On my part, I wanted closure, the kind of closure you are wishing for. And I tried, and each time, he either got angry, or gave an answer, and each time the answer was different and something of course that I did. What I wanted from him was to take ownership of his behavior at the time, explain it. I heard similar things " you are always bringing up the past".

It wasn't until years later, lots of work on my own co-dependent traits, some MC that I have been able to get some kind of statement that he does regret his behavior at the time. It didn't happen easily. It actually happened when I had enough work on my own enabling behavior to not get into the circular arguments or behave/react to my own triggers. I don't have full "closure" or knowlege of what exactly happened. I just eventually stopped the craving for it- because looking to my H to valiadate my reality, or make me feel better somehow was my issue- and if it's me- I have control of that.

With my BPD mother, there isn't closure. How do I ask an elderly woman " why did you abuse your children for so many years". Even bringing up any kind of possible mistake, even a minor part, makes her dysregulate. Yet at times she has apologized, in what sounds like a half effort way " I didn't handle things well when you were a child" . Are you kidding me? Handle things well? But this is the best she can do and it brings up so much shame and discomfort with her, I know this is her best effort. I know she regrets what she did. But what's the point of bringing it up? I doesn't change what happened and I don't feel I need her to explain it.

This doesn't mean abusive behavior is acceptable or that I would continue to allow it. I don't. But this is in the present. If it happens in the present, I can adress it in the present.

I know we can't just ignore our feelings. I do think you need to grieve. But at some point, bringing up the past could be futile, and eventually, I think you will be happier when you can let go of it, not for your W but for you. She may not be able to fully explain why she did what she did at the time anyway. This is far too soon for both of you to expect processing of all the things that happened

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It isn't what you wanted. But now that this has happened, my wish for you is to, when you have grieved and are ready to do this- do some more work on yourself. You had a part in this too. This isn't blaming. It's about the patterns and dynamics between the two of you. You will still have a relationship with your wife- over co-parenting. The dynamics between you are still going to be there--- unless you decide to change them. One of these changes is your ability to diminish the need for closure from her. She's not likely going to give that to you. One day you may come to realize that closure actually comes from your own self work, not her.

You can make changes to where you don't feel you need her to give you or do something to make yourself feel better.

I hope you keep us posted. It's tough now, and the past can take up your thoughts. But also a bright future might be ahead. Staying in the present is a good place to focus.

I haven't gone through what people have described here (in fact my marriage is doing better than it has in a long time).  But, what I am taking out of this situation is Enabler's wife tried to say "sorry," but in a way that Enabler didn't find acceptable.  The sorry wasn't so much for him, but for her to feel better.  I think Enabler is debating whether he should accept her sorry and help her feel better, or reject it since it wasn't helpful to him.

Forgiveness isn't about the other person. If Enabler decides to accept that- whatever apology she offered is probably the best she can do, then he may be able to emotionally heal -- in time, and it takes time.

If he continues to press her for the "good enough" apology, he's going to be focused on that. He's also likely to remain frustrated that it wasn't good enough because his bringing it up results in her being angry.  That won't benefit him in the long run.

The wife isn't focused on E and his feelings. She's looking ahead at her new situation with OM.

Enabler can choose to do that too, or stay fixated on wanting an adequate apology. This is about Enabler working towards feeling better, not helping her feel better.

If I'm honest, it's not that I am not prepared to forgive my W, I seem to wake up most days attempting to wipe the slate clean and carry on regardless... I just know that cheap forgiveness won't really do either of us any favours. If me accepting her apology is for her, to give her a better future, I don't think doing that lightly achieves that... in fact it just perpetuates any problems I perceive her to have. If accepting her apology is for me, then I'd be selling myself short, by accepting that cheap apology I'm in essence saying "we're good now, you've done what's necessary... you've done more than the absolute bare minimum" which just isn't the case.

I would like more for sure, she might not be capable of more (although I believe she is), but I'm not gong to tell her that she's achieved any sort of reasonable standard. I'm no longer going to validate the invalid.

Notwendy,

Thank you for sharing your story. I guess over the years I have heard more about your mother and upbringing than issues with your H. It's an interesting approach and one that I wished I'd deployed some years back when my W first and second left... and actually looking back at old email responses in 2007 that was more the way I took things. If I have read it correctly you neither condoned or condemned, but stopped engaging in his drama and got on with living.

I am very much looking forward to the ability to define my own life. As a small example of the chaos she is causing. We're all in the house at the moment D6 needs home schooling (D10 and 11 are self sufficient and just need monitoring that they don't spend all day on Netflix). Today W was supposed to be home schooling D6. I'm working full tie at the kitchen table, but trading is long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of panic so I have plenty of time to home school should it be required, however I like to plan and have a structure. W starts the day by telling me she needs to do a work thing and I need to homeschool for an hour... so we do maths. After that, W says she'll do English, she gets distracted and D6 ends up on ipad for an hour. I suggest watching a nature program we have been watching ' Blue Planet'. I didn't want to intrude on her teaching time (she is trained as a teaching assistant). That finished... lunch time... D6 was told that W was going to come and do English and a design project... W got a call from a friend so sat in the sun for 1.5hrs on the phone to her, D 6 goes back on ipad. W gets distracted by something else and it's past typical end of school time so D6 is in the pool with D10.  W was out all day tuesday, I managed 4-5hrs of structured home schooling. D6 was engaged and we made progress even in subjects she hates. I am soo looking forward to W going to work and me having control of home schooling, and frankly D6 has verbalised she prefers me teaching her as well, probably because I do what I say I'm going to do.

Enabler

This is where my mind went as well.  

As to some of the other suggestions...perhaps Enabler was looking for closure and perhaps not.  As I read it I saw Enabler wife looking for more "closure" than Enabler.  Such as "I said sorry and he accepted so this part of my life is closed and OK...I didn't nothing wrong."  (or something like that).

What I saw was Enabler clearly rejecting her "bid" for closure on those terms.  

Obviously all of this is based on assumptions and point of view.

I do think it's important for Enabler to forgive and I get the vibe that he has, although I don't recall him explicitly saying this one way or another.  Then in this last post I get the vibe he hasn't forgiven her.  

I think forgiveness and reconciliation are two different matters.  I think you can forgive without reconciling, but I'm not away of how to reconcile without forgiveness.

"Sorry" to me seems similar to an expression of regret.  It doesn't appear she was using sorry to apologize, but I could be wrong.  

This is likely a place for Enabler to do some thinking and soul searching and get his terms right...for him.  Also he should realize he and his wife will likely not agree on even the definitions.

Best,

FF

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