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So this morning, things were great. Then H went to do some things at his office and we were both looking forward to a nice evening.

Then, a couple of hours ago, I get a text out of the blue saying on the advice of my therapist (mentioned her by name), he would have nothing mire to do with his bio family. I texted back asking if something new had happened.

What followed has been a series of phone calls with H jumping from topic to topic, making little sense, accusing me of siding with my therapist over him, choosing my family — basically pinballing between every area of contention he’s had for two years.

I’m exhausted. I’m confused. I’m genuinely concerned. (He’s really not making sense.)  And I have no clue what to do. If I leave, I have nowhere to go but to my parents and that would effectively end our marriage. My family doesn’t know our current troubles. If they did — well, last time I told them did enough damage.

But I can’t keep doing this.

Is this more extreme than anything you've observed in the past?

Borderline. He doesn’t sound violent. But, for instance, at one point he asked if my lawyer sister was at our house. I said no. He said “Oh? So if my lawyer’s surveillance team says something different?”

You've mentioned times when it appears that he cannot remember things. Do you think he's having a dissociative experience now?

And is there anything that could have triggered him at work?

Probably so. He seems to be imagining all kinds of things — nothing like pigs flying but things I know are untrue or unreasonable.

He made a couple of work references so, yes, something may have set him off.

He also asked about people at work supporting him with his family situation and how they can’t believe how unsupportive I am.

Do you feel safe?

It’s hard to say. I don’t believe he’d physically hurt me. But it just sounds like he’s really off the beam — or was. He hasn’t called or texted in half an hour now.

What about checking into a hotel for the night?

My be my best option. I guess I’m most afraid of the aftermath. That that would be it.

Definitely a difficult choice. Is his stepson at your house today?

No. He’s with his mom this week

Can you imagine what you'd say if you chose to stay at a hotel?

Has he called since the last time you spoke with him?

I’d probably say something like “after the difficult discussions I decided the best thing for both of us would be a night apart.” But my leaving in and of itself will trigger his abandonment fears even more. And given his fixation in family stuff this afternoon and evening, he’s already wound up about that.

He hasn’t called. Texted about 45 minutes ago. He was baiting me about SS. Said his Ex had responded to him (no word on what about) and said if I was interested to reply and let him know. I asked what it was about. Nothing since, though I did shoot a text asking where he was.

Yep, the proverbial rock and hard place.

If you were to go home, how do you see the evening playing out?

A lot of testing today. At one point, crying, he asked if I could do something for him. I said I might be able to. Long pause while he pulled himself together. Then suddenly, he turned more angry and wanted me to guess what he had been about to ask me. I refused. Said if he would ask me I would consider it but that was the only way it would work.

That proved I didn’t really love him or care.

I’m home now. Have been all day. I don’t know where he is or when/if he’ll be here.

If he does come, it will be more conversations like the oneS we had on the phone.

At some point, I’ll tell him I’m going to bed. He’ll either join me (usually does) or stay up sulking. Then, in the morning he’ll be rational and contrite.

At least that’s how it usually goes.

Do you think he's concerned that you might want a divorce?

Yes. He said as much. Numerous references to my lawyers — as if I have them.

So, he's trying to get you to prove that you still are committed. Is he right to some extent--that you might be rethinking the marriage and your future?

On evenings like this? Yes. He’s not completely wrong. I want us to be able to work things out but the more these things happen, the more hopeless I feel. The more I start to fantasize a bit about my single days.

We know how perceptive pwBPD can be, especially when their abandonment fears are triggered. And it becomes a downward cycle when they begin acting bizarrely and we pull further away.

Very true. I’m trying to walk that line — obviously not very well. Until he called this afternoon, we were great today and last night — affectionate, joking, normal. But then he called and was lashing out and I had no idea what was going on.

It may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps he heard that someone at work was getting a divorce. Who knows?

I did tell him I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. That could have been part of it. He’s threatened by my therapy. But, especially with the staying home thing, there’s no choice but to tell him. He’d be mire upset if I hid it.

Often times, things just build up and then there’s an avalanche of stuff and dysregulation.

Anyway, I packed so I’m prepared but don’t know what to do. I can’t leave the dogs here alone if he’s not going to be here. For now I’m waiting.

You can see how he's being when he returns home and make your decision then.

He probably added up therapy, your sister being a lawyer, and who knows what else and came up with the idea that you're planning to divorce him.

Quite possible. I don’t know what set him on the family track again. He somehow decided him telling me to drop my family was exactly the same as my revising to tell him what to do regarding his bio family. I don’t know.

My family has started doing a weekly Zoom meeting in Sundays. Sometimes he says hi. Sometimes not. He asked if I had any idea how much it would mean to him if I just refused to participate.

I think it just reminds him of his own family problems — picks at the wound. But as sympathetic as I am, I can’t turn my back on my family in an effort to comfort him. That would be wrong in a number of ways (in my opinion). It’s things like that that make me wonder if this relationship is in any way sustainable.

Yeah, I’m just waiting now. Will probably fix myself something to eat and try to relax.

Edited to add: I texted to see where he was. Responded “Do I need to respond to this?” Guess we’re still in the red zone.

You might want to put your overnight case in the car, so he doesn't go over the top about seeing you walk out with a suitcase.

What sounds concerning is his paranoia and what might be dissociation. Remember... "borderline" was named because it describes the person living on the line between neurosis and psychosis. With some, it takes less to cross that line, and it's more visible to people around him/her.I

I hope that you stay safe. I hope that he doesn't engage in another circular argument.

Good idea from GaGrl about putting the suitcase in the car.

That way you've got the option to just walk out the door, given that you have your phone and keys handy.

Maybe he will have had enough time to cool off and come to his senses in the meantime.

Definitely get something to eat and do what you need to relax.

Hi Ozzie.

I think you are handling this well even if it may not feel like it.  

If you do decide to leave for the night, do you have your own car?   We can help you figure out where to go.  Hotel/motel, stay in car, friend, family, come to my place, etc.  

It is good that you have a therapy appointment.  Is it the same T you saw a while back about DV?  I think maintaining therapy appointments is going to be important.  Don't bend on this one.

I agree with putting the suitcase in the car. And triggering his abandonment fears are less important than your safety, so do what you have to do to stay safe. Do you still have contact with the dv services? Could you maybe check in with them for their input?

Also, is it possible he's been drinking again?

I want to get your opinion Ozzie101. Is it possible that he’s trying to fish for information because he sounds worried about you talking to your sister. Does he think that maybe you’re talking to your sister that is a lawyer and that you might be planning to divorce him? As you already know, abandonment perceived are a trigger for a pwBPD, I’m sure that it’s more complicated than this because maybe I’m not seeing something .

What do you think?

I put everything in my car, just in case.

I do think he may have been drinking. He just called and sounded rather slurred. Asked me to hold on, then never said another word. He sounded sad and kind of pathetic — not angry.

If I leave, I’ll probably go to my sister or parents at this point, given the time. It’s almost 8 pm here. Though a hotel would be less volatile and threatening.

The T I’m seeing does have experience with DV but I haven’t called the DV center itself in a year.

He might be afraid of my leaving. I’ve been less triggered by him lately. Maybe he sees that as detaching.

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