BPDFamily.com

Hi BPD family,

The last 7 months have been a roller coaster of pain, frustration, aha moments, growth, celebration, and everything in between. I have learned enough to teach me that I still have a lot of growing to do, but I wish I had known it all 10 years ago. I have walked through some of the grieving process in letting go of my mom. Still have more to go, but I have noticed distinct stages already, which is promising. I feel at my most empty and sad, which I think is a sign that I'm very close to just being able to let go and have mental peace and healing. I'm not quite there yet, sadly, but I know I can't make this happen before its time. Soon though.
Most of this time, I have been focused on the past and the present--what do I do and say now and how I understand the past. I've shifted my focus to my more long-term strategy, with the understanding that nothing I do or say in the present is going to magically make this go away. I sat down and wrote out my framework for how I proceed with her. I just wanted to share that here. I spent months wrestling with my values and other aspects, and this morning it was finally ready to all come out concisely.

My guiding phrase in dealing with her is to be fair, firm and consistent (compliments of my T)

Fairness is throwing the ball back in her court, figuratively, and not exchanging insult for injury.
Firmness is stating who I am and my values and not backing down from those.
Consistency is always offering the relationship that I can, regardless of her reactions:
  - Holiday greetings, cards
  - Group family functions
  - Light discussion (no religion, politics, marriage, personal struggles)
  - Short, controlled visits

My values
  - My faith is between me and God. No one else has a say or is qualified to judge my heart.
  - My identity does not come from anyone else's opinion of me. I may listen, but I do not have to believe you if it does not match with what I know to be true.
  - My nuclear family (husband and future kids) are my first priorities.
  - Words designed to tear down and hurt have no place in my life and will be given no weight or value.
  - I will empathize with emotions, but I am not always responsible for other people's pain, nor do I have a duty to fix it. Just because you are sad or mad does not mean that I am bad.

Having this in place makes me feel so much more powerful in this situation. I know who I am and what to expect and allow moving forward. I wanted to share this framework to get any insight from others and to hopefully help others who are working on their own. I know it has helped me a lot when other members have shared similar things. Best wishes to you all!  :hug:

Great framework! I feel like it is very similar to what I TRY to keep in place as well. I really love this...
"I will empathize with emotions, but I am not always responsible for other people's pain, nor do I have a duty to fix it. Just because you are sad or mad does not mean that I am bad."
That one seems to be most difficult for me. My "job" has always been the caretaker. It has taken me alot of years to accept that I am NOT responsible for how everyone around me feels and I can't fix everything for everyone. I am a work in progress! Thank you for posting this! :hug:

Ch,
You are amazing, doing amazing  (hard work) and this framework will help me and countless others.

Glad you are here.  :hug:

Thank you so much for this! I too love that quote. I wrote it down so that I can look back at it when I am having a tough. I am learning about externalizers and internalizers. This is from a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that I am finding very helpful.