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I have mentioned that I am mostly estranged from my sister. Long story but basically she did something that was not nice (sounds silly, but was somewhat big not nice). I would have gotten over it, but H kept it alive and kind of kept making it slightly worse.

I thought it would blow over. As things were calming a bit, someone we both know got in trouble for hurting kids. My H and I cut all ties but my sister and family did not. This created a bigger rift. My H held this against them/me and insinuated that our kids were at risk. I am completely not okay with what happened and would never let this person back in my life or around my kids, but it has been held over my head that I would be risking my kids safety by speaking to my sister.

Anyway, I’m having some clarity around this and think it poses a risk especially in divorce mode, but I also can no longer really live with the fact that she probably has no idea why we’ve stayed estranged and I’m sure that’s been hard on her. It’s been several years. So I asked to speak with her and we’re going to next week.

I need her to understand not to go posting on social media and also about this other person, just because H would definitely say I was risking kids safety. But, on the very slim chance she could forgive me, I’d really like to have family in my corner. I don’t know that what I’ve done is forgivable but regardless if she does or doesn’t she does deserve an apology.

Obviously to make it more difficult is that she will likely have no feel for BPD. I think some background will help but know it’s near impossible to understand without living it.

Any thoughts?  Share, no share?

Hope you don't mind a few questions, I want to make sure I understand what you are telling us.


who did your sister do this not nice thing too?  You?  Your husband?    Your family?


So Mutual Friend(s) got in trouble for hurting their own kids?   someone else's kids?   a one time event?   a long series of abuse?    the hurt was sexual?   verbal?   physical?   an argument at the soccer match? something more serious?    Your sister condemns the hurt?    thinks it's no big deal?   somewhere in between?


do you think there is any reasonable current risk to your kids?    do you feel your sister would be protective of your children in the typical fashion of a family member?


 yellow-flag  There is no way to control her social media posting.   You can ask her not to post about your visit.   and explain that you are trying to avoid conflict with your husband.     what she posts or not is up to her.     you can't manage your husband by controlling another person.   better to spend time and energy coming up with a plan on how to respond to your husband when he learns you and your sister are in communication because eventually he will.


don't share yet.     start small.    build rapport.    allow her to express herself.     speak in general terms.    lay ground work.     ask to speak again.    don't put any pressure on your sister to understand or yourself to explain perfectly.     

'ducks

Hi BabyDucks, I don’t mind at all. I’m being somewhat evasive because still live with fear H will uncover the posts. Ugh.

My sister and I were exchanging emails and trying to plan a family get together. She was not being very understanding that my family’s schedule was difficult and I couldn’t yet pin down an exact date of arrival. She scolded me and tried to insinuate that my H was controlling too much of the trip (wish I would have listened then!). But his job is demanding and sometimes things wrap up sooner/later than planned, so was too soon to be specific. I think I said something to the effect of that I’m sure she would consider her family’s situation when planning and that this was all I was doing. She threw out a previous issue with my H but in a kind of vague insinuating way. There was nothing there, she was just throwing a jab. H caught wind of it (long time ago and we had shared family email). He of course drew crazy conclusions to the comment. I explained the situation but he just created a story around it. I just took a step back from her thinking he would calm down and it would pass. Just as it was becoming a thing of the past, the next family incident occurred.


It was someone my parents brought into our home and raised from about ten and on. Nearly thirty years later this person was working with children and had child porn in their possession. None they took, no active abuse alleged on their part. Possession. Went away for it. Because my H is a L, my family wanted his help. He refused. I agreed. Children are deal breakers. My dad tried to suggest he confessed erroneously, etc.  I don’t know if he actually ever told anyone else (only us because of H possibility to help).  I don’t know if my dad was in denial, believed he didn’t (they had evidence and he confessed) or just didn’t think it was a big deal because he didn’t “actively” hurt anyone. (I disagree). It was a tough subject with dad and we chose to not continue discussing. Prior to this incident, I hadn’t seen this person in 3-5 years.

Anyway, my sister still engages with this person although they live far apart. It’s slimly possible she doesn’t know or that she isn’t aware of how bad it was. Idk. Anyway, our youngest were little when this happened and so it’s been kind of a lingering threat by H that my family is a threat.


I stay away and there is no threat. I believe my sister would not directly/intentionally be unprotective, but if she doesn’t understand the magnitude or “threat” she may unwittingly add risk.

Now H has a few family members that are a bit less savory. Small time drug dealer (like pot to friends) and a fairly heavy drug user. We still see them in controlled situations but they aren’t child risks? And H’s brother was arrested for resisting a po at a traffic stop. His hot head got him in a lot of trouble. We still see him regularly. He’s a good guy (I suspect PD behind closed doors based on SIL stories she’s shared with me in confidence). So this may provide some leverage, which I would never normally do, but...

 
My hope was to keep it quiet until we can move about again. But, I can’t control it and ultimately I’d like him to know because I believe he will portray me as having no family support in court, which is true. It’s my own doing for not handling better, although not entirely sure what that would be.


Thank you. This makes sense. Ideally I’d like to have my sister back but I destroyed the relationship so I have to accept it would only be her good will and likely none exists anymore. I will have to accept that.

So I plan to keep it short. Simply explain some risk/reason for keeping it between us for now. And then just apologize. Tell her we can talk again if she wants. Just leave it in her court.

Thanks BabyDucks.

so there was a valid issue there that got handled poorly.   it happens.   we all do it.


it sounds like your sister is loyal to someone who she considers family.   perhaps she is loyal but with appropriate boundaries.    your sister wasn't involved in the porn.    and isn't now.    Correct?   

ask for what you want UBPDHelp.   if you want your sister in your life, ask for that.   if you want to continue to converse, ask to be in touch again.    don't give all your power away.    don't read in.   don't assume you know how she feels.   ask her how she feels, work from that information, not what you think might be going on.

this is an excellent opportunity to validate and SET.    the communication skills don't just work with our SO.    Validate her where you can.   SET where you can.    this is a building block.    it's a first step.   it will be awkward in places,  it's bound to be.    don't get bogged down in that.     leave the conversation on a high note.   leave the conversation on a success.     

hope this helps
'ducks



 

I'm also mostly estranged from my wife's side of the family.  My choice.

There were certainly many incidents, but at a fundamental level I decided their values were vastly different than mine and/or not stable.  (one day this is valued, the next day this is abhorrent). 

I simply didn't want to try to keep up or even understand. 

My life is much better.

There is limited contact, mostly via text regarding logistics. 

Anyway...is your life simpler/less complicated based on your estrangement?  (I'm not asking how you feel about it)

Shifting gears.

I need to ask a clarifying question.  We are talking about "child pornography" here...right?  Possession of...not the manufacture of.

Best,

FF

Simpler because I don’t have to deal with H’s disgust. He’s convinced we had discussions about me sleeping with my old bf, we didn’t. I never actually discussed it with anyone, except when I met H after. So now my sister is a threat. The thing is, she was a pain about a lot of things. We are different and would disagree, but he blew up that long ago incident (and a more recent one) and I bought into his perception of it. Now, it seems as if he was simply trying to protect himself from a perceived threat.

Simpler for me. Hard to say. I’ve seen signs that’s she’s more accepting and neutral so I feel that except for H we could have a manageable relationship.  Possibly could be a good or great one — all on the unlikely premise that she could forgive me.

But, H will dysregulate and I’ll be giving him ammunition so I’m leery to proceed.


Correct. The charge was possession. I can’t say that there was never manufacture that wasn’t found, but the only charge was possession.

It’s a deal breaker for me. Too risky for my kids. And, this is distinctly ammunition my H would use in custody battle if I have remote contact.

I don’t think she would risk them, but I’m not sure she would appreciate the risk.

I’d like to apologize.  I’d love to mend fences, not sure that’s possible. But I am afraid of his threats.


Thanks FF. I hope that helps clarify...love to hear your thoughts.