BPDFamily.com

Should I stay or go?

Present environment is Toxic!  Therapist told me she would go in this direction.  My 17 yr old daughter pointed finger at me last night.  As I am somehow responsible for her condition.
 
My daughter has never experienced any Trauma, certainly not of sexual kind.  Yes, Her grandfather passed years ago, and Uncle committed suicide in close proximity.  She did have older boy get aggressive during kissing session on family vacation.  She was not raped.  Hard to believe those events can effect a person in this manner.

I have a 19 yr old son that I am trying to protect from her BPD behavior, and a wife that serves as enabling crutch unable/unwilling to challenge behavior to date . 

Torn between providing sane surrounds for son and losing life partner 20 yrs of marriage. 

 

Welcome and we get it.  BPD takes its toll on a family.  You are not alone.  Here is some suggested reading. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338206.0;prev_next=next

~ In my personal experience, there were many other things wrong in my former marriage, but one thing I own was my inability to see my then teen aged son as truly ill.  Or rather , I misunderstood his mental illness entirely and thought I could love him enough  to rescue him. I was the one who took him to psychs , etc , but I always thought he would get better and "grow out of it"   somehow.  After many levels of hell later with our son, we are both on the same page now. 

We can't give specific advice regarding your marriage, but keep in mind the actions that are for the highest good for everyone in the family.  In addition, you are as important as your BPD child.  Life and safety must be preserved for all. 
 
Some positives here-It is great your daughter is in therapy, that is huge.  Try not to  be too troubled by her blame.  In the BPD's eyes, everyone else is at fault and the cause of their misery.   
~Both of you agreed enough to realize she needed help , that is something.
~You are reaching out here .
~ Since you currently are  with your spouse, is it at all possible for you both to reschedule things such that each of you has some " down time"?  For example, spouse can be at home while you take an hour or so pursuing a hobby.  This is important.  You need to reconnect with yourself as your spouse  will need to do the same for herself. Would this be feasible at all?
 
We need our own support separate from the BPD child getting her support.  In my case I also attend al-anon meetings ( there are some online) in order to help keep the focus on me.  It is so easy to get lost in the BPD tornado.  I also have my own therapist( not sure how your $$/ health insurance is on that score). 
Please write back to us as you are able.

It's tough when your partner enables the behavior.

What's their relationship like?

BPD traits tend to create wedges by virtue of how splitting works. It's pretty common in families with a BPD child.

What are some of the behaviors that are currently not working for the family?

Studies have shown that "individuals who become borderline frequently have a special talent or gift, namely a potential to be unusually perceptive about the feelings of others".

It seems to me that your wife and you have a constant disagreement since you think she's an enabler and that  may be stressful to your daughter if she's very perceptive and sensitive.

So imagine how she must have felt when the boy got aggressive.  That would be terrifying because your brain goes into "fight or flight" response when you think you're about to get hurt. To a woman that is also a violation of her body, her morals and her trust.

Experts recommend that feelings be validated so that's one area you can improve.

Hi there!
I hope that you, before making any big decisions, are reading a bit up on borderline. A book that's very helpful to me is Valerie Porr's Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder.
When she explains the DBT-therapy principles, she points out that a good response to persons with BPD is validating, and then opens up for the possibility of having different views. Ideally one person should be able to manage both of this things in the same response.
I my self is more of the enabling type. My husband is more of the challenging type. And the more he challenges our d, who finds this very difficult, the more I find myself in the enabling role.

You don't have to spell it out; we have an appointment together at a family therapeut next week. Wisk us luck! And the best of luck to you as well!