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I’ve not been feeling well lately. That is an understatement, but it is what it is. The feelings have become much worse since I’ve allowed myself to become aware to them, and to understand why. I feel terrible everyday. The craziest part is that I know why. I hate feeling this way. I hate not being able to move past it. I know what it is. I know why. I understand everything that there is to understand about an abusive childhood, but I can’t seem to get past it.

I’ve reached out to my sis, who is a psychologist, for help in finding a treatment program. I think that I need to be checked in somewhere for a while. I have no insurance or benefits, and am about to lose the roof over my head. If anyone has advice, please share.

I think it's great you reached out to your sis JNChell.  That  takes courage.  What did she say?

Can you also have the same conversation with your Dr, just to cover all the bases? S/he may be able to make suggestions for your particular situation in your area perhaps, with regards to resources/programs etc?  What do you think?

 :hug:

I’m uninsured so my doc isn’t really an option. Sis is looking into things as am I. Honestly, I’ll go wherever I have to to get this monkey off my back. I just hope that there is something available out there somewhere. People shouldn’t have to feel this way. It’s not like we chose it. Ya know? Thank you for reaching out.

JNChell, are you safe? How's your boy?

I’m good. He’s good.

I just really have to find some help. There is more than PTSD going on here. I’ve done a ton of research on this stuff. Major Depressive Disorder and perhaps some Bi-polar traits. I don’t know. I’m not a professional. I can only read. I’m sinking. I’m aware of that. Feeling low is just that. It’s really something. How the feelings just come on. The tools don’t work with this. Thanks for reaching out.

You have been sharing with us for a long time how the terrible feelings overwhelm you and the tools don't work for you. The first step for me in managing my overwhelming feelings was EMDR therapy which allowed me to stay present for short periods of time with these feelings while the therapist kept me safe so I did not feel so overwhelmed. EMDR therapy allowed me to process the feelings, store those feelings in a normal memory bank, so they no longer overwhelmed me with such intensity and frequency. I also have Complex PTSD from early childhood neglect and abuse. We do not have verbal memories or narratives for things that happened early in childhood. These memories are stored in our bodies, and when the painful memories are triggered we just know we feel terrible and can't say why. "The Body Knows the Score" discusses different promising body therapies for PTSD. I have done all kinds of body work to get the frozen parts of my body to come alive; it was terribly uncomfortable at times yet helped me to stop reliving so many painful events I have no verbal narrative for.
I think right now you are tired of all the pain and want to just move on. It is a long slow road to recovery yet well worth it. Be patient with yourself as hard as it is. You will not benefit from going cold turkey by just trying to feel everything at once, because the feelings do not get processed, they just come back to haunt you, again and again. You are feeling so much pain inside, so it is important to distract yourself with outside activities until you can find a competent professional to help you process the overwhelming feelings while keeping you from becoming too overwhelmed during and outside of therapy. What are you doing right now so you do not feel so overwhelmed?
We are here for you.

Hello, zachira. Movies and music. I’ve been pretty shut in for a while. I’ll take an occasional drive and walk with my Son when he’s here. I have to say that I do remember most of my trauma. I remember being little. 3-5 I can estimate. My pants being ripped off of me and my mom lifting me by the ankles with one hand, and beating my ass with a wooden paddle. It was loud between both of us screaming for our own separate reasons. I would try to block the hitting with my hands and she would bloody my knuckles with that paddle. She couldn’t stop until she was done. I remember running from her and trying to keep her away from me. I tried to block her with the dining room table. She was screaming at me about how it was going to be worse if I didn’t basically surrender to her. I was begging and negotiating with her. I remember my abuse. I’m sure that there are things that I don’t remember, but I remember a lot.

In the area that I live, the quality of therapy that is available is very low. The city that is the satellite for this region can’t even afford a school bus system. The local government is going to prison most likely. The FBI has been investigating that local government for roughly 3 years. It’s not a prime place for help. In other words, quality therapists wouldn’t be drawn to this area.

I do agree that this stuff is stored in the body. Our brains were wired. But I do remember a lot. Vividly.

JNChell,
You suffered the worst kind of abuse. You are really quite an exceptional person, doing your best to be the kind of parent to your son that you would have liked to have had while reaching out to help others as you live with unbearable emotional pain. I admire your determination and courage to find help. I am glad your sister is going to help you. Reaching the now or never moment is a big turning point.

Hi JNChell, sending over a  :hug:

I work for an emergency room, and I have insider information about how to get into a psych facility haha. If your sister is unable to help get you in somewhere, and depending on your symptoms (i.e. acuity), you might be able to access voluntary treatment in an ER. It depends on what state/county you are in, but from where I work, that is how many people are able to access treatment. Many ERs help patients get connected to insurance as well. I don't want to give you false hope, I don't know the specifics of your situation, but this might be an avenue that could help.

Good luck friend.

Thanks, zachira. It’s a weird experience to really be able to look at it all. I thought that this was where it all stopped for the most part. To be able to look at it and understand it. To accept it. I’ve done all of that. The feelings. The memories. I still have those at 40,000 feet. Know what I mean? I’m wired. I’m heading to my Sis at the end of this week. I can sense that she has taken on more of a therapist role with me. You know, she suffers too. She has a lot of anxiety. I don’t want to burden her, and it is very hard for me to ask for help. I thank God that she is going to help me. I don’t know know what is in front of me now. I’m scared and reactive, so I keep to myself.  I just want to feel better and I think that I deserve that. I would love to know how that feels.

Schmem_25. :hug: Back at you. Thank you for the advice.

JNChell  :hug: :hug: :hug:

You have been a good friend and support to so many on these boards.  You absolutely deserve to feel better.  Try not see yourself as a burden to your sister as you both work together to resolve past traumas.

I, and many people here, are rooting so hard for you.  Time to take good care of yourself.

Warmly,
Baglady

Thank you for your kind words, Baglady. It’s very appreciated.

JNChell, I have no words of advice, but saw your post and just wanted to send a  :hug: and say I am pulling for you! You do deserve to feel better and I believe you can. I'm sure it feels awful right now. I hope your sister can help you to find some resources. Saying a prayer for you!

I8kgrl.  :hug: One back your way. I appreciate you. I think that things are going to be okay. *)