BPDFamily.com

My partner and I got into a fight last week and it led to a major split. The details of the fight are in another thread but afterward, I didn’t hear from him for a few days, went over with a little ice cream apology (a peace offering haha) and it was well-received. He gave me a hug and then we didn’t speak again. Exactly a week after our fight, he sent me an email.

It was paragraphs long and was saying a lot of different things: how he was so happy to have time to think about himself and only focus on taking care of him and his son. In one sentence, he was telling me how he loved me and I was the best thing to come into his life, and in the next he says he’s been enjoying the “freedom from us” and how he can’t focus on any kind of relationship right now. It was very back and forth, with a lot of “I love you” but I can’t love you. I’ll paste a little bit below:

 “I will forever wish I could be the man you want me to be. But I cannot. I don't wish to. You deserve more than me, and that's the deep honest truth”

I feel like an idiot- like a fly who keeps flying into the wall, hoping it doesn’t hurt as much the next time. I don’t want to say this is all BPD-related, because it might have nothing to do with it, but honestly I’ve seen this pattern/behaviour SO many times. He categorized all of his stressors into priorities. His first priority is his son (as it always should be), his second priority is himself (as it should be). Anything outside of that is viewed as an added stressor, including our relationship. When his daily life becomes too overwhelming, he cuts it all off. I’ve seen him sell cars, move homes, quit jobs- anything to lighten this overwhelming stress he feels. I’m usually the last to go.

And he always, always feels so good and relieved and free for a few weeks...until he realizes that he’s alone, and he’s cut out someone he actually cares a lot about. He’ll try to numb the pain for awhile, but eventually he always shows up on my doorstep and we do the dance again.

After I got the email (and against my better judgement), I called him. It was overall a fine email but I didn’t know if it meant “goodbye” or what, and I just wanted clarification. I don’t think either of us were ready for a phone conversation and it just blew up in my face. It wasn’t a bad conversation, but he just said a lot of cold things to keep pushing me away. He asked me if I truly missed him or if I just missed having a person in my life (ouch). He also told me that he needed time to himself and couldn’t promise he’d come back to me when it was over.

Again, I’ve heard all of this stuff from him many times before. I know the pattern. And at the same time, wondering if I am a fool for trying to say it’s BPD when really, it’s just him trying to cut me loose and I should just be walking out the door. I just feel like I’ve been through this pattern with him enough that I can see through the bullsh*t and know he is hurting deep down. Or maybe I’m just a naive girl  who keeps forcing someone to love her.

The reason I wonder if it’s BPD is because when he FINALLY gives up the “pushing”, he’s a totally different person- vulnerable and emotional and loving. Near the end of our phone conversation, he told me that he was getting emotional. He started talking about the painful things he’d experienced this past week- some family stuff and some other little life things. He said he was going through “heartbreak after heartbreak”. A far cry from the happiness he touted all over his email. I don’t doubt his happiness wasn’t genuine- I just don’t think it’s the whole story. He told me he wanted to see me and he missed me.

Anyway, I really didn’t write all this to dissect it. It is what it is. And I don’t even know what it is right now.

Either way, I guess my question is: can someone be feeling happiness while experiencing a BPD episode/split? Or do all splits revolve around anger/depression? This answer might help me understand if his behaviour is BPD-related or if it’s just...him.

Thanks for reading!

one of the things thats most confusing about BPD, for loved ones, is that it isnt really episodic, or at least, isnt so much as we experience it to be.

BPD is a lot more like a world view, a way of seeing the world and adapting to it.

its confusing, because yes, emotional dysregulation looks a lot like an "episode". yet, it is less an episode, and more how people with bpd traits react to stress.

all of that can really confuse what is happening here, in your relationship.

your loved one is not splitting you. your loved one is giving you a breakup speech, not dissimilar to the one mine gave me.


anyone who has thought of exiting a relationship has experienced second thoughts. just days before my ex broke up with me, she said she felt like she was falling in love with me all over again.

so its not uncommon to break up and make up a couple or a few times. less common when that happens more and more.

but when it happens, however many times, there is damage done to the relationship, and without a radically different approach by one or both partners, that damage will continue to be done until its over for good.

when a breakup happens, theres a window of time that occurs that doubts may set in (i assure you hes had them), and a couple may reconcile, or not.

often, not always, how we respond influences that process.

if there are things going on with him outside the relationship, the best thing that you can do is to give him space. know that that is not a guarantee, but probably the best card you can play in a difficult situation.

beyond that, if he does come back, its really important to consider what a radically different approach is going to look like if he comes back. because if this isnt the last straw, the next one may be.

its been a few days. any update?