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So long story short my diagnosed ex girlfriend and mother to our 4 year old son split up 4 years ago in August after she cheated on me back in January this year I got a message from her saying that that relationship had ended and we got talking on really good terms and were getting along great for our son she would invite in when dropping off son after the weekend for coffee etc and we actually for the first time had adult conversations about stuff we both mutually agreed that getting back together would be a bad idea and stayed freinds on good terms up until a week ago she told me that she had joined a dating site and wanted some attention but said that she wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone she met a guy and she been spending time with him overnight she went from talking to me regular to ignoring me and being short with me I found out that she is seeing this new guy but as soon as I asked her about it she told me he’s just a friend and nothing is going on even though her pictures on Facebook say otherwise. In the last few days she has been really nasty towards me insulting me over nothing telling me I’m a bad dad etc it’s like she doesn’t want me to think she is seeing someone what I don’t understand is why she is doing this ? It’s not like we were together or anything and we discussed it now she has blocked me from messaging her even about our son any views ?
Ps I have no issues with her seeing someone else and told her she is likely to meet someone eventually just don’t understand why overnight for no apparent reason she is acting this way torward me I even sent her a text message last night wishing her all the best with everything and I don’t want to argue with her about anything and got a load of abuse back telling me to leave  her alone or she’ll call the police I haven’t bothered replying since

I forgot to add I asked her why she was being like this towards me and her reply was “have you thought it’s because of you I’m being like this “ again I have racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to make her this way towards me and come up with nothing.

Hi Splitblack4good,


My understanding of people with borderline personality disorder (pwBPD) is that when they are involved in an intimate relationship with a favorite person (FP), the level of intimacy they experience can trigger all sorts of abandonment fears in them.

One of the ways they seem to deal with this disordered (and sometimes imagined) fear of abandonment is they alternate FPs.  The way it works as I imagine it, is as they are getting too close to FP1 (her current interest), and in order to avoid this imagined potential abandonment, they *abandon* FP1 first and attach themselves to someone else; maybe someone new, maybe someone old, this becomes favorite person 2 (FP2).  And for that instant, they've alleviated their fear of abandonment with FP1.

But... this means that FP2 is now the new (or renewed) source of potential abandonment.  So as I see it, when you become FP2 (for a limited time) she cannot give you any reason to "abandon" her.  And from her perspective, if you were to think that you were not her current favorite person, that might be a reason (in her mind) for you to "abandon" her -- even though, from your perspective, you are not even together.


From your perspective, you guys aren't "together or anything."  But from her perspective, if you are her current FP then the usual BPD behaviors with you kicks back in (like before).  And so during this time, she's going to be splitting you black (again).  And she needs to deal with her disordered feelings towards you (by dumping on you) until she can't handle it anymore and so she needs to abandon you before (in her mind) you can abandon her.  And so she blocked (abandoned) you.


There is some truth to what she said.  It *is* "because of you" that she is being the way she is being.  Rather it is because of how she feels about you (when you are her current FP) that she acts out her BPD behaviors.  Eventually, sooner or later, you will no longer be the current FP and then she can act more politely towards you.  But sooner or later, she's probably going to recycle you again when her BPD feelings becomes too much for her to handle with her other FP.

Anyway that's how I see it.  I hope this is helpful to you in some way.

Best wishes,

Schwing

That really makes so much sense  and looking back I can see how my diagnosed BPD wife cycled between men of 24 yo,28 yo and 35 yo in the past year then me 54 (she is 49) . She would give me a kiss good by then go meet one of these men in random places. Just like it was no big deal just an average day ? I eventually tracked her and recorded conversations that's how I knew.  Even confronting her with evidence did nothing to stop .

adult conversations about stuff we both mutually agreed that getting back together would be a bad idea and stayed friends on good terms

If she has been diagnosed with BPD then this is impossible. Im sure it was you that said these things as she just mirrored you. Saying all that to BPD was blah, blah,blah...(stayed friends on good terms)he is still available to me, either as the persecutor, or the victim. This is the basis of the BPD world, no? An attachment for reward. There is never enough supply.

So this is why she...
Re: Why does my Bpd   Exgf try to hide and deny she is seeing someone new

even though her pictures on Facebook say otherwise.

You are on the detaching board, maybe understand how to communicate with BPD( everything is always defcon 9, but it can be curved)if this is how you plan to co-parent with the illness. I preferred N/C, with only emails for the children's health. My children were healthy, we had nothing to talk about. If detachment is the goal then not a good idea and will slow you down from making sense of all this. I had children with BPDer, if you understand the illness, eventually you could choreograph what she will do next.

now she has blocked me from messaging her even about our son any views ?

There is a book called Divorce Poison. This will help you a lot. Have you been to the Co-parenting board? There are probably many games of triangulation going on as we speak.type i guess  (read definition) This has to be addressed for the childs sake. What do your divorce papers say about custody?...She appears to be in the persecutor role, in your fantasy role...Shes the victim in some, and maybe the rescuer( for only short periods) in other r/s, if she can get the supply, ie- internet. Its a fantasy world, with a road paved to hell. I know I paved one.

I forgot to add I asked her why she was being like this towards me and her reply was “have you thought it’s because of you I’m being like this “ again I have racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done to make her this way towards me and come up with nothing.

Schwing says it well( hello)  BPD is persecutor/victim life. The endless loop going on in her head, was going to see to it. I remember the cryptic speak, learn of the illness and the part you played. It becomes a neon sign.