BPDFamily.com

 :help: My mother has undiagnosed BPD and I can not take it anymore.Every interaction is painful and we always end up arguing and of course I am the only one who does or says anything wrong. There is no ownership on her end, never has been and I doubt there ever will be. I am scared to leave my room and have put off eating meals until I know she is not around. The woman is unhealthy and brings chaos into every relationship she has. I am so drained, tired and hopeless... I have  lived my life feeling unheard and feel I am going crazy being trapped living with someone so unstable. I am hoping these sites can provide some relief. :help:

britt23   :hi:

Welcome.

Dealing with a BP is tough. Having to deal with a BPM can be next-level difficult.

I appreciate what you mean. Often people who have poor self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and inability to deal with consequences disclaim ownership from anything they don't like. Simply, it's always someone else's fault. I share with you the hope that you don't have to own problems that aren't yours.

You don't have to own her chaos and you don't have to play into her game if you don't want to. With time you'll learn ways to manage her and see that managing her is a choice you have.

You're not alone. You're not crazy here.

I notice you're expressing a lot of anxiety. Many of us are and were where you are now. Something that helped me a lot during these times was remembering what is my job and what isn't my job. Our job is to act according to our values and beliefs—not to make others do how we want them to do. We can positively or negatively influence them to do things or not do them—but in the end, it's their decision how they want to act.

Source (https://www.bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells).

Good luck, hang in there, and I hope you'll share more.

We all hit our "wall" eventually.  You are not alone.  I think you will find support here, and hopefully solace in knowing that there are other people who have experienced similar  distress.

 You are right.  She isn't going to change.  For me, things got better when I accepted that, and stopped trying to "help" her behave better, be more polite to people, or make better decisions.  

I hear you.  The positive spin on this is that you are doing what you have to do to create "space" between her and you right now.  She's not going to make any adjustments towards that, so as the "adult", you have to.

Sometimes it seems like our pwBPD thrives on chaos.  Their emotions are wildly out of control, and they have little or no ability to self-regulate those emotions.

You are already "avoiding" interactions with her it sounds like.  When it's impossible to avoid an interaction, do you think it's possible to not provide the "other half" of the conflict by not engaging?  So if she says something to provoke you, reply with "I don't know, I'm not sure, mmmmm, if you say so, I can't right now but maybe later" etc.  These are "nothing" replies that could slow a conflict down.  I eventually decided not to "engage" with my mom.  I would suggest not JADEing.  Don't argue.  Don't justify. Avoid explaining, and don't defend anything.  Avoid offering opinions unless it's about something like the weather, or something you know you agree on.  If she's spoiling for a fight, simply don't give it to her.  If she wants a fight, she will have to go somewhere else for it.  

Save yourself, by not engaging with her.  

SET may also help to settle those crazy intense emotions that are causing all the problems.

Not sure if that's helpful or not.