BPDFamily.com

I met him online. Because of COVID we haven't met in person yet, but have talked nearly every day for the past few months and met on zoom.

He was not stable when I first met him- a bad reaction to meds.

I withdrew and made it clear that he needed to be on new meds and in therapy. He is agreeing and doing these things. He has shared DBT materials with me from the therapy sessions.

We are going to meet with social distancing this week.

I like him for many reasons.

But I must admit he has scared me with asking me not to leave, to stay...

and we haven't yet met in person.

I hope I am not doing something stupid. He is extremely intelligent and we have much in common, but I have to admit that his intensity scares me.

This is my first post, so I'll leave it at that.

Looking for feedback. Thank you for reading. :)

I hope it's okay to post in the message thread. I tried to post this in new posts, but no one saw it.  Original Poster- I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to say to you. I keep feeling like I should go NC myself. But here is my post- please let me know if I am posting in the wrong place. Thank you all.



1    Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) / Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup / Re: just starting to date someone with bpd   on: June 06, 2020, 10:20:27 PM
I met him online. Because of COVID we haven't met in person yet, but have talked nearly every day for the past few months and met on zoom.

He was not stable when I first met him- a bad reaction to meds.

I withdrew and made it clear that he needed to be on new meds and in therapy. He is agreeing and doing these things. He has shared DBT materials with me from the therapy sessions.

We are going to meet with social distancing this week.

I like him for many reasons.

But I must admit he has scared me with asking me not to leave, to stay...

and we haven't yet met in person.

I hope I am not doing something stupid. He is extremely intelligent and we have much in common, but I have to admit that his intensity scares me.

This is my first post, so I'll leave it at that.

Looking for feedback. Thank you for reading. :)

Hi there, mirii and welcome!

You’ve come to the right place because the people here have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.

BPD is a complex and difficult condition that requires a lot from the Non (loved one who doesn’t have BPD). There are three things I’d recommend:

1) Read, read, read. Educate yourself about BPD. There are a lot of resources here on this site. One article in particular:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Also, read around in the boards. You’ll read a lot of first-hand accounts regarding these relationships.

2) Listen to your gut. Many times, our instincts will be pretty on-point. Listen to it. Think about what it might be trying to say.

3) If you do decide to continue the relationship, take it slow. It’s common in these relationships for things to move very fast. But it’s better to take your time, really decide what you want and get good communication patterns in place early.

You’re fortunate in that. Many of us (like me) got into a relationship and got married before we even realized there could be an issue like this. I found this place three months after things took a bad turn and discovered many of the things I’d been saying or doing were making things worse.

You can go into this well-educated and prepared. Or choose not to go in at all. That will be your decision.

Take a look around and let us know what you think.

And, again, welcome!

tell us more. what do you like about him? how did you meet online?

Hi Ozzie, Thank you so much for the welcome and reply.  It really means a lot to me to know that I have the support on this board. Well, yes things are moving very slowly bc of COVID. He has fallen for me way too fast and it scares me. I am quite aware of the idealization phase and the tendency to fall in love and move quickly. I have been clear about getting to know each other and I guess there isn't much more to say until I meet him in person.

Thank you again for your response. I can't express how much this means to me.

Ozzie, I appreciate the link and I am sorry that things took a turn for the worse in your marriage. That link on a relationship was quite the read. I don't know if I am strong enough to be that person. I do know I could be in a friendship. He has started DBT therapy and really wants to make this relationship work.

Once Removed- thank you also for your reply. The things I like about him. First, we have similar political views and outlooks on life. He is kind, compassionate, smart, funny, and very creative. He is actually an accomplished writer- has published books and hundreds of short stories published in different journals/publications. I don't want to mention the details to protect his privacy. We enjoy talking to each other. Have been speaking daily for the past few months and meeting on zoom to talk and watch different shows/movies.

I met him on a dating site. Of course, I had no idea of bpd. His profile emphasized his profession and his kind, caring nature.

Unfortunately, I have seen the other side when I was wanting to leave.  I know that wasn't him talking, so I didn't take it personally. I knew it was the illness.

Somehow, we got back to talking. I am in therapy myself for ptsd and anxiety, but I consider myself well grounded. Have told my therapist all about him and she thinks that I am setting appropriate boundaries while being aware that if I decide to continue there will be a roller coaster ride.

I just like him and find it easy to be with him. I think you can tell a lot on zoom, but I will have to meet him in person before making any decisions to continue.

He has added a lot of happiness to my life during these days. COVID here- we are still at "stay at home orders."

I have many friends as support. I worry that he doesn't have much family left and few friends.

I worry that he relies on me. I make it clear when I have other groups and things to do with friends.  He knows that I have these many other people in my life. Today , he said that I spent the day doing very healthy things ( reading, catching up with a friend, meditating) while he did not...

I told him that he could start doing these things.  He agreed.

I don't want to be the sole support.  But I know myself- I will feel awful abandoning him.

I do know that I would be completely happy to be his friend. But honestly, the bpd scares me...

I am currently reading Marsha Linehan's memoir.

Sorry... didn't mean to be so long winded.

I really, truly like him, but I am scared too.

I hope he can get the bpd under control with therapy... I like him. The bpd scares me.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far. :hi:

 :hi: again. I just wanted to clarify a few things.

the ptsd and anxiety are not due to him at all.


i detached from him bc he was being inappropriate. But he was also withdrawing from a medicine that was giving him bad/horrific side effects.

He is now on a new medication and is so much better. Also, he has started regular DBT therapy. This is when I came back into his life.

when, and under what circumstances, do the two of you plan to meet?

I am not sure yet, but with COVID, we will most likely meet in an outdoor park where we can socially distance...

need to find a place that is equidistant ... he lives almost an hour away, so we'll have to find a place in the middle.

Restaurants are still closed here, so the best place is an outdoor state park or something like that.

My car is in the shop until next week, so I have to wait until it is repaired as well.