BPDFamily.com

I've been in a completely rocky and recurring relationship for nearly two years with someone who was diagnosed with bpd last year. Having read about it, I am feeling like I am trauma-bonded and like I can't move past it.I keep going back and it keeps falling apart. I thought that I had finally met my soulmate and walking away feels overwhelming and terrifying. I am just seeking any advice from anyone out there whose had this experience or is going through it.

Hey janelley, Welcome!  What is the status of your r/s with your SO?  Are you together, separated, broken-up?  Fill us in when you can.  You have an advantage that most of us lacked because your SO has a diagnosis of BPD, so you know what you are contending with.  Most of us were just swinging in the dark.  What is it about your SO that keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  What would you like to see happen at this point?  I suggest you return the focus to yourself, to you and your needs.  What is the right path for you, going forwards?

LuckyJim

Thanks Luckyjim.

The current status is broken up - we generally go through monthly cycles but this time I drove the ending as things were not progressing / changing / growing and I couldn't get him to communicate.
You're right to suggest bringing the focus back to myself and my needs.  It's very challenging, the highs were very high but the lows unbearable so it is time to move on, just not sure how but I guess time will help / tell.

Hello J

So I was waiting to see how you answered to L-Jim.  I am six days away from my 1st anniversary of breaking free of a deep trauma bond. So the first thing that I will tell you is that a big part of it is finding this place.  And Jim is one of the people who gives really good pragmatic advice. So I'm going to stay away from that. But there's the whole emotional readiness part too.  And from what I have read here and studied at Uni - relationships with disordered people are different that other relationships - even abusive ones where the reasons why the abuse is happening is pretty clear cut. 

So - the piece that I want to offer is that you will need to break ties by setting boundaries that really do focus on your needs.  In most break-ups we would expect to engage someone to disengage. With a person with BPD, engaging is nearly impossible if you are wanting to leave. The disorder means that they order things differently in their minds. Depends where your ex is on the spectrum, but more severe cases involve delusional thinking - or - as I like to call it - feelings based facts.

This means that you may need to get therapy that is of the coaching kind. Many of the things that my mentor (herself a former addict who worked with street involved people) had me actually do to break free were so counter intuitive to how I was feeling about my ex that at times they hurt like hell. It was only when I was truly broken free that the healing could begin.

I did some pretty intensive CBT (therapist and mentor) and did work every day - like an addict would do to break a habit.  I found that there was an element of "fake it until you make it" to develop new thinking patterns.  Today, I am not completely out of the woods, but boy I am so, so much better.

I don't know if that makes sense?

I am sorry that you are in this position but I am really happy you have made your way here. It really is an oasis for the soul.

Hang in there. Step by step, you will change and grow into the person you are meant to be.

Stay safe.

Rev