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At the time of our break-up my uBPDex confessed to me that she had been writing in a diary for the previous 6 months about any of my actions and how she felt about it. I was in complete shock, as we (in my opinion) did not argue too frequently, had been together for 4 years and thought we were close friends. Instead of letting any inner resentment surface it seems like she would keep it to herself as she was more on the Waif side. Has anyone had any similiar experiences? Do normal people have diaries regarding their feelings for their significant other (considering we're both aged late 20's)? I come from the mindset that if i have a problem i will just try to air it out directly without demeaning anyone, so i can't tell if i should've considered this unusual behavior at the time.

Mine didn’t write it in a diary (that I’m aware of) but she absolutely held resentments in and cited them as reasons for her infidelity. Interestingly enough, she recognized it and had told me a few x over the years that she “resented people” and pushed them away. One of them, if I remember correctly (it was all a blur) was that I called her cute more often than hot... So, instead of telling me that she’d prefer I called her hot vs cute at any point during our 9 year relationship, she decided to cheat on me because she “didn’t feel validated.”

I think it makes sense in the quiet BPD type, they are ultimately afraid of abandonment and maybe they think any kind of criticism or dissatisfaction from their end could trigger that?

My then stbx wrote in journals. She left them conspicuously out when she moved out.  I read and then returned them. She was 31, I was 41. I found them very teen- like, but then she wasn't Mt favorite person. It's a way to cope, and non-BPD people write as well. I also found letters to herself on that computer, some very old (predating our r/s).

In her "bathroom" journal, I found a page where she listed my pros and cons, as if we were dating and didn't have a toddler and baby. 

You indicate that this blind-sided you, yes?

I got plenty of confessions.

- She tried to kill herself and ended up in a psyche ward (told me this over a year into the relationship).

- She slept with another man when we were exclusive but not officially a couple (told me this over a year after it happened).

- She cheated on me.

- She often felt "nothing" for me, other times she felt everything (after moving across the world to build a life with me).

My experience is that they drip feed you because they are always scared of abandonment. So you never truly see who they are. When you do, it's often too late.

I think that's definitely a common theme here, for the more quiet/waif type BPDs their fear of abandonment causes them to hide away a lot of their feelings, whereas we may see other BPD types acting out in more explicit and over the top ways. Finding out that my ex was writing about me behind my back while we were living together just seems weird to me, and at the time it did blind-side me because I had been an open book and felt a level of trust that she clearly did not feel.

Fear of abandonment is a secondary feeling. Underneath that is core shame and the feelings that they don't count and are unworthy of being loved.

My now ex pwbpd once excused herself of cheating on me because she was apparently really angry with me for a whole host of things none she could pinpoint. I asked why she didn’t just tell me instead of sending me, I love you, texts that same night. She still claims to this day, 5 years later, it was only a kiss. Yeah and I was Mr Brightside. I stayed and the cheating went on. On one recycle she was back in my bed cheating on my replacement, unknowingly to me at the time.

I scratch my head as to why I miss her!