BPDFamily.com

Hey all, I've written a couple posts on here regarding my exwBPD (suspected). But the past few days have been mad, my brain hurts, my body hurts, the questions running through my mind are excruciating, i just need to unload..

I dropped everything to visit him. He lives 2 hours away but i agreed to see him for the day because it's been so long due to lockdown and i missed him so much. During lockdown we've split up, argued, i've been blocked etc..but we always made it through. Anyway, so he asked me to come see him and I did. The night before i was due to see him he was distant, then on the day he said he didn't want to see me...eventually he came round and i saw him for a short amount of time. It was ok but i could tell he was off with me, after 3 months of not seeing him he almost seemed shy.

Anyway, so I stayed with a friend and he said he'd see me again before i went. The next day i ws meant to see him and he got all mad and said no. He's always paranoid, accusing me of looking at other men, etc when i'm not...so when he's alone sometimes it seems like all he thinks of is this and essentially paints me black. Anyway, so i was due to leave the following day. After arguing slightly in the morning he begged to see me. He booked us a hotel. We did cute couple things, he opened up so much to me it was like falling in love again. He said he's been thinking of planning the army but he only wants to do it if I'm by his side. He's always had trust issues stemming from past relationships but he finally said he felt like he fully trusted me. He kept saying how much he was in love with me. He paid extra so we could spend a couple extra days together.

Then the day before i left he got mad. Accusations started. He rarely gets physical but it has happened previously...i could sense the anger and it started to frighten me so i started to get a little upset. This obviously triggered him, he threw my phone in my face and hit me abit.I'm so bruised. He did apologise but he says when he gets like that he just sees red and can't control it.

Anyway..it was good after this until right before i left at the staton he accused of looking at other guys. He was so mad. Calling me a hoe, etc. Then demanded i send him money that he'd spent on the hotel or i couldn't leave. I couldn't believe it...it was so magical and ended so awfully. He told me to 'think what i want' on the train and he'd ring me later. Anyway he ended up texting me, i told him i loved him and the accusing had to stop. I said even if he doesn't want to be together i'd like to be friends/civil. He agreed then not long after he blocked me. He's been so cruel...wished me dead, said he never wanted to see me or talk to me again, i'm ugly, etc...

My head is mashed. Please tell me how i'm going to recover from this.

From being the most perfect couple, having the best time with him to this. I now question did he really meant what he said when he loved me. He told me even when he's mad i'm constantly on his mind even when he's blocked me, etc.. But now i feel like its really the end. I keep thinking what if...but i know its him with the problem and i know how much i love him, it just hurts to think i don't know the love of my life anymore..

I know i've had a lucky escape because the violence scared me to death. But he's my love. My best friend and i feel like don't know him anymore. No answers or explanation...jut blocked and i have to pretend it never happened, please someone help me

Hi hurtinggirl1,

I think a first step would be to accept some facts.
Well, both pwBPD and pwNPD do what we commonly call the "love-bombing" or "idealisation" in the beginning of a new relationship.
It means that they study you and are capable to understand and replicate the image of your ideal partner. They also mirror your best traits, basically it's like you are falling in love with yourself. The "love of my life" is an illusion. All of us here, we all thought they were that, "the one", so don't be hard on yourself when you will realize he was not.
That person they presented to you, it’s not them, it’s never been them. They cannot keep their mask indefinitely so at some point, it all falls down and you see the real them, in other words the mentally disturbed individual. The caring, cute, loving, funny, cheerful happy person? Gone.

He loved you in his own way and it's not in the way you thought, definitely not your way. Again, it was all mirroring. These people are not capable of reciprocal adult love, for them love is a vital need, it's almost a survival thing and that goes for both disorders. That's why they often attach to people who already have issues of their own, mainly co-dependency because they instinctively understand that once you are hooked to them, you will put up with their sh*t.
Your relationship was not what you thought it was, I know it's a lot to take in and accept so take your time to process that.

That being said, he resolved to physical abuse and that is absolutely inacceptable, disorder or not. For your own wellbeing, the only way forward now is to cut all ties, go no contact and move on. The only fact you have not done that already says a lot (refer to what I said above about co-dependency).
Nothing positive will ever come back from that person again, you just have to trust us on that.

Hey hurtinggirl,  I'm with daze507.  Physical abuse is unacceptable.  That's your boundary.  He crossed the line.  Loving people don't hit one another.

The place to start, I suggest, is with self-love and self-compassion.  Your task is to love yourself enough that you will never again allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  It's up to you, hurtinggirl1.  It's time to start taking care of yourself.

LJ

Hi hurtinggirl1,

How are you doing now? I want to share a hug with you.  :hug: I'm sure that you are hurting in more than just a physical way. Your heart is hurting too.

Please know that you did nothing to cause what he did to you. That's his to own.

Of course you love him. I love my ex too. When we chose to be a part of their lives, we gave of ourselves to the relationship, and that is normal and healthy. The things we cannot control are the behaviors of another, and you and I cannot fix the unhealthy behaviors of our partners. We often have what is called a trauma bond with our partner, because we shared so much with them, the good and the bad. It's what keeps us connected, even when it is not healthy or safe to be around them. Don't feel bad for loving them. Do be concerned about your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

It is not very easy to take the honest step to evaluate a relationship and to question if you should continue to stay in it- as long as you are in an unsafe place. First you need to be in a safe place so that you can make decisions for you, and not for the other person. It took me a long while to feel that I mattered enough to guard and care for myself, and that took being in a safe place and the love and care of others encouraging me to see myself as worth protecting.

You are so worth protecting.  :heart:

 :hug:
Wools

Hey Wools, thank you so much for your response. It's so lovely to hear from people in my position, especially when i'm struggling like this I really appreciate it.

My head is a mess - he ended it a week ago and I've been blocked everywhere and I'm on day 2 of complete NC. So many questions running through my mind. It's so bizarre, because when he is nasty like this I truly believe that's just him. But then I think back to him being so loving and opening up to me and I also believe that's the real him? I just wish I could bring him back.

I've lost count of how many times this has happened and i've been blocked, any sane person would ask how I've put up with it. Deep down i think he does love me..but at the same time the hurtful things he said to me were unforgivable - however this has happened before and i think he now just thinks he can get away with it.

Every time this happens i'm convinced he'll never come back, but he did however this time in my heart I believe its truly over. He's constantly angry at me and paranoid about me with other men which is what made him flip like this. Baffles me how he could physically hurt me and be verbally abusive and there's no apology.

He tells me all the time he's going to change his number..he hasn't as of yet so I'm wondering if this is a sign he'll come back. Also, he has some of my stuff and owes me quite a bit of money...the last i spoke to him he said he would sort it out and contact me when he's ready but I can't help but think he's lying, but there's still that hope in me i'll have a final conversation with him...My head is a mess, i just want to move on but the fact he's got some of my stuff and money (and the fact he said when he's ready) is stopping me from letting go...

When he's 'normal' - he tells me his head is "PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed" and that he will always come back and always be mine. I'm so confused right now my heart is hurting..

Once again, thank you for responding its such a comfort - big love to you Xx

hi hurtinggirl1,

if you are counting on him coming back, please know that this is a breakup board for those who have been out of the relationship for at least a month and are actively grieving the relationship. if youre looking for ways to reconcile, i would post on the Bettering board and get feedback there.

Hey hg1,  It's not about his apology; it's about you standing up for yourself.  His abuse is unacceptable.  It's time to put yourself first.

LJ