BPDFamily.com

I want to start my saying that my partner is a wonderful man -- intelligent, funny, creative, and loving. I'm starting to feel more and more inadequate, though -- it seems like I'm constantly setting him off, and even though I know I can't blame myself 100% for his mood swings, I can't help but feel like a failure. For the most part we make it because I am an easy going person and give him the freedom to make his own choices, but then sometimes this backfires too.

He has tried to quit drinking multiple times and though he manages to make progress each time, there's always something that drives him to drink again and then once again he's drinking every night. In the past he even got angry at me for not stopping him, saying that he was enabling him. So last night when I saw this same pattern taking place once again (this time he said he needed wine to get to sleep), I challenged him. Trust me, I know it's not easy to quit drinking by any means and I'm not judging him, but I want to help him. Obviously I overstepped my bounds though and pressed too hard, and it infuriated him (another thing -- any time I apologize, it only makes him angrier and he brings up all the times in the past I've "failed" him).

I feel for him deeply and know he's in a lot of pain, and drinking is his escape. He's even said "nothing good ever happens to me." So I try my best to help him be happy. But I cannot be his only source of happiness, and he needs to recognize that he can't rely on external circumstances for happiness. The smallest things (literally spilled milk) will send him into a spiral. I have encouraged him to get help but he won't -- I don't know if he's too proud or just sees it as a lost cause. Honestly he's never been officially diagnosed with BPD and given the symptoms, if I told him "I think you have this disorder" it would make matters even worse. But he has all the signs. I love him deeply but am really at a loss. It pains me to see him this way. I'm generally a happy person but I've found myself starting to spiral into anger, depression, and anxiety as well.

Hello HappyKJ,
You seem to be going through a lot... it's hard indeed to keep a happy spirit when someone you love so much has such intense mood swings and blame you for them. My partner also tends to put the blame on me everytime he has a crisis. You are not inadequate and you're not a failure. Even though your desire to help him the best you can is completely understandable, in the end you are not responsible for the choices he makes.
My own partner tends to do a lot of projection during a crisis and put the blame on me for things I am not in the slightest responsible for, because he is so ashamed of himself that it hurts him too much to admit his own responsibility in his choices and actions. Reminding myself of this helps me to not take what he says in a crisis personally: his words are merely an expression of his pain and inner struggle and they come out in a tragic way but it's not your fault he is drinking, it can never be your fault.

Have you ever talked to him about his mood swings when he is calm and open? Is he aware he has them?

Thank you so much for your response! I apologize for my late reply -- I am still getting the hang of this message board and just now saw your message. Your words really mean a lot to me. It is helpful to know I am not the only one going through this, and yes, you're absolutely right -- his words are just an expression of his pain and inner struggle, and I should not take it to heart. I think so often in conflicts, it's our natural tendency to either blame ourselves or the other person. That's why I vacillate between beating myself up and feeling angry at him for saying those harsh words to me. But really, things are more complex than that. I think both giving myself grace, knowing that I'm not responsible, and extending the same grace toward him, knowing that these words are just a defense mechanism, will give me some peace in these situations.

I have not brought up the mood swings. I'm not sure how to bring them up without causing issues or him getting defensive. I think he is aware of them and at one point he mentioned he thought he was bipolar (I don't think he's had an official diagnosis). He definitely show signs of that too, thought I suspect BPD is closer because the mood shifts happen abruptly -- sometimes in the course of an hour -- and are usually triggered by a specific event.