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Hi everyone. I'm dating a girl who has all the symptoms of BPD as revealed by a therapist but has yet to have an official diagnosis.I heard about a previous therapists opinion of my partner through one of her friends.

I've been dating her for two and a half years and I need to confide in someone and hopefully receive support.

These last two years my other half was in a PhD and was treated terribly by an abusive boss. I put a lot of her behaviour down to this. Prior to this I was her friend for one year.

She has been jealous, verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative, tried to make me jealous, highly critical and was emotionally withdrawn one minute and close the next. There's also been no sex.  W'eve been attending relationship counselling and it's helped a bit but not too much. Tomorrow I'm having a talk about the effect all of her behaviours have on me but at this stage I'm hopeful for escape. Has anyone here had a successful chat with a BPD partner that had positive outcomes. Obviously I'm not expecting overnight.

Hi Hollis,

Thanks for this. You have posted on the "bettering board" which essentially means you are hoping to maintain this relationship.

So before I offer any answers, might you be able to elaborate on what you mean by "escape"?

Oh - and by the way - welcome!  You've come to a great place and no matter what you feel you need for yourself, you'll get great advice.  Somebody here will have lived what you are living.

Be safe.

Rev

Hi Rev,

thanks for the reply and your kind welcome to the group.

By escape I mean that I have the opportunity to call this relationship off soon. She is going to go home to her home country and while the original plan was for me to go with her, now I cannot see my life with her unless she changes or at least acknowledges. There's been none of that.

We've had three arguments in the last three days. I'm now thinking that a talk might be pointless as every argument descends into rage. denying words were said, anger and silent treatment. I'm not happy at all. Now I have an escape opportunity.

Hello Hollis,

I assume that the two of you have no children?  Not married? No real assets that you hold in common?

If this all holds true, then the next thing is to think about your own physical safety. If this is not a question, then the safest thing for you to do is to break free and quickly, as quietly as possible.

Generally speaking, I would suggest that you talk this out with a coach, therapist, or mentor. By what you describe here, having a discussion with her is rather pointless and could even backfire on you. The real challenge with people mood disorders is that timing conversations right is a real challenge. Add to the fact that everything now sits on the backdrop of COVID and it becomes even more difficult.

How does this resonate with you - both in your heart and in your head?  Does what I write here really reflect what you are feeling?

Sit with this for a bit. 

If it does, there are things that you can do to self-check, etc. to help you make sure that you are at peace with this.

I will ask one of the admins to find this thread and talk to you about moving it to another board. This one here is for people who are hoping to save their relationships.

Write back when you are ready.

Rev

Welcome.  How did it go? 

To answer your question, and the thread topic, I have to say "No, I haven't personally had a successful chat."

Occasionally, I would be able to calm things down, using some of the conflict de-escalation techniques described here and in books on the topic.  but in my experience, when my Ex was looking for a fight, she would pick it up any time, even the next day, even if we had gone to bed calm, having seemingly resolved the issue. 

The only thing that resolved fights, so things could get back to "normal" with my (now ex-) wife was several days of silent treatment.  Then usually we'd talk and have to each share some blame, and then move on.  I would have to avoid "who started it" and pay lip service to the idea that we were both responsible for her behavior to get to this point.

I have a couple other thoughts...


How do you know this is true?  How do you know her boss was the abusive one? 

Have you witnessed the abuse yourself, in full context of the situation? 

I also made a lot of excuses for my ex's nasty behavior when we were dating, and found that they didn't hold water when the situations she blamed for her behavior were resolved. 

She would simply move on to new stressors in her life as an excuse.  And I was ALWAYS expected to resolve these things for her; her problems were my problems, and the reverse was not true.  So over time, I found myself responsible for juggling her needs, my own needs, and my own demanding career. 

Also, I saw that a lot of the things she blamed for her outside behavior were either entirely her own doing, or completely untrue.  If she wanted to fight, or pick a fight with someone, she would openly lie about what was said, or if called out for lying, strongly exaggerate the context, or delivery to make herself appear to be a victim, in what was (to me at least) an innocuous comment or simple conversation. 


Someone once told me, on the topic of counseling with a BPDer, to not expect much - if any - improvement from this. 

If she truly is BPD, she doesn't need the sort of superficial communications techniques they practice in relationship counseling... she needs years of personal and group therapy to learn how to control the excessive mood swings she experiences, and learn how to love and trust herself, before she can love and trust others.  If she had an abusive, traumatic childhood, this may be impossible. 

And also avoid mentioning your suspicion to her.  If you tell a BPDer you suspect they're borderline -or have any personality disorder - expect a lot of spin, and counter accusations, and unhelpful conflict to stem from this.  They don't take this constructively. 

I completely agree with Rev here:

If your partner is BPD, consider yourself alone in the relationship.  You're not an equal partner here... you're the one carrying it.  Outside help, in the form of counseling or therapy for yourself is invaluable. 

However, you may want to also keep it to yourself that you're seeing a counselor; your partner will likely be threatened by the fact that you're getting an outside, objective view of their behavior.  BPDers feel a need to control the flow of information; their reality relies on them being able to "control the narrative."  No good will come from sharing this, only more conflict as she seeks to try to convince you that you're the problem here, and counseling for yourself is manipulative and unfair to her. 

yes. but not in the context youre describing.

the two of you are locked in a lot of conflict.

if she sat you down and told you how her behaviors affected her, you would likely feel on the defensive. you might feel blamed. shes likely to feel all of that in spades.

there are certainly ways to get your relationship on a healthier trajectory, but youre very right that it wont happen over night...relationship conflict doesnt start over night, and doesnt end over night, it takes a lot of concerted effort and trial and error, and its always possible that you wont have a willing partner in your efforts, so there are no guarantees. you would need to go in with realistic expectations, and eyes wide open.

if that is what you want to do, we can help. if youve determined the relationship has no hope, we can also help you exit.

what do you think?


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