BPDFamily.com

Hi there!

Feel like I am in a bad place with my mother.  After much research it is clear she has BPD and something we have missed the signs in our family over the years.  I am 32yrs old and feel like my life is on hold because of her recent behaviour, I am avoiding friends and focussing on work and then "preparing" myself for drama.  She has deteriorated rapidly over the last year and her delusions are now destroying our once happy family.  My parents have always had a very co dependant relationship where they were always perceived as the "perfect couple" but when they argued behind closed doors, my god they could really go at each other.  I am argument (with me too) Mum would then panic and start crying and beg for everything to be forgive and "to be friends".  Her attachment to me (only child) has been suffocating and over the years I have been made to feel bad over my own choices which would be perceived as mistakes.  The "perfect family" image has dominated my childhood. 

Mum has taken ever dysfunctional relationship she has heard about (i.e friends divorces etc) and has woven this delusion that my dad has been plotting against her for the last 5 years, tapped her phone, recorded her, had an affair with a family friend he is running away with, gaslighted her and is going to shame her in court and she will be left with no one and no money.  They sold a business years ago but they have their own accounts and all split but she doesn't seem to understand how divorce works!  She has since moved out of her home with my father and into a rented apartment 10mins from me.  If I don't see her I feel overwhelming guilt.  I have constant thoughts of her hurting herself as she feels so alone but her happiness is always linked to me, and that suffocates me. She refuses any contact with my dad who is heartbroken.  He is a good man, that is not perfect and has his issues, but is being accused of awful things that are not true. 

When I see her I try to stay calm but when she starts at me for "not believing" her I just get angry.  For years my parents together ganged up on me and I constantly felt like I was a disappointment.

 I wish she could recognise she doesn't need to feel this way and take advice.  I know she sees a therapist but she is very convincing and am sure they are helping her deal with a husband that has cheating and she is now getting a divorce.

Any advice on how to deal with a mum like this?

Hi and *welcome*

Well, you have found a safe place where you can get support from others who have experienced similar.  I know I can relate to some of the emotions you describe, specifically the feeling of being suffocated by my mother and the pressure even from my dad.  Also the worrying about your mom.  I can really relate to that.

You said that your moms behavior has really declined over the last year especially.  Can you relate the decline to a particular event or circumstance? 

As you post and share more we will be able to give you some more specific advice.  We have tools here that can help a lot in terms of managing our own emotions and staying out of the emotional chaos that can occur. 

We can't really change other people so we focus on changing us.  By that I mean developing skills that will help us emotionally detach so that the behaviors of our pwBPD (person with BPD) do not have such a detrimental affect on us.  That usually means working on developing strong boundaries based on our personal values and working on communication skills that can help prevent issues and, when that is not possible, skills that can keep us safe.

So I hope you read, share more, and jump into other threads.  We are a close group that works together and help each other.

Again, welcome.

Hi Harri,

Thanks you for your kind words.  My grandfather died 2 years ago and at the same time my parents sold our family home to relocate but then they haven't agreed on a new house to buy so they moved into a lovely rental apartment but my mum keeps say "look at where I am, I don't want this at my age, look at the house we had" etc.  She seems very displaced and has decided it has been a scheme constructed.  Last year on the anniversary of my grandfathers death she seemed to get worse.  She constantly wants to reminisce and it is like she has re written the past into a fairytale! At the end of my grandfathers illness (the last year of his life), she was horrible to him.  It seemed like she resented him - she remembers it all very differently.

 Currently I message her everyday and also am seeing her once a week as anymore and it really affects my work as I can't concentrate.  I used to live in Spain so heading back there for a month to escape the situation for a bit and received this message this morning.  I just constantly feel like I should do more.  Its really affecting my own happiness.  My mum is young (56yrs) and has every opportunity available to her.

"Maybe we can spend more time together over the coming couple of weeks before you go away. I’ll miss you being away for a month. Love you xxx"

Can you tell us more about how you "prepare" yourself for drama?  Which drama?  What are you expecting?

Yep, this is sounding familiar in a few ways.  It was a bit different with my mom:  her bf was going on a road trip back to his hometown and visiting people from his past including a woman.  Mom wove her own delusion that he was "courting" another woman and even gave this woman a ring.  My mom was emotionally destroyed - like a 14 year old girl that's just been heartbroken and going to die.  We were naive and stupid enough to take her at her word (roughly 12 years ago).  We had a conversation with the poor bf who was horrified at what we were suggesting - mom being the only source of the info - and he got mad at us for insinuating things which weren't true.  He was right. Then because he was mad, mom blamed us for making trouble for her, when what we were really doing was trying to support and defend her from a man she told us was not being faithful.  What had happened, was that in her mind, she had imagined the worst thing, which was her bf leaving her for another woman (BPD and fear of abandonment right?  But we hadn't heard of BPD back then, and were clueless as to any possible mental illness).  Because bf was on a trip and visiting old friends (including women), these "imaginings" all became a FACT for her.  But it was a delusion, and completely untrue.  My advice is let your mom have her delusions, and sort them out herself, otherwise the drama for you will escalate, and never end.  That was the last time I trusted anything she said.  Too often, the info is distorted, and because the pwBPD believes it to be true, it's hard to tell when they're lying.  My observation is it's better to let them figure it out themselves with natural consequences.  By not getting involved, you can't be directly blamed.  You'll still get blamed for other things as you know, but at least you won't get blamed for that! :(

I go to counselling with my H because of my mom.  It is super helpful for both of us, but especially me.  Is this something that perhaps you and your dad could do together? What do you think?   

Yep.  Family deaths are hard on a pwBPD, as it seems to trigger the feeling of "abandonment". 

This doesn't surprise me.  My mom was the same during my dad's terminal illness (dementia).  She couldn't cope with the stress and was SOO emotionally abusive to the poor man.  It was cruel.  We reported it to his case manager, who worked harder to get him into long term care faster (and away from my mom).  Now when she thinks back, she was the perfect loving wife and nurse (she was an RN) to him.  It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut when she talks like that, but I do.  Reminding a BPD how cruel they are doesn't help them or us.

Maybe you just "missed" seeing this text.  Or maybe you've been too busy to reply.  I've learned that it's ok to not reply to every text, and sometimes no reply is the best reply!

I can relate to this.  Last fall, my mom moved into a really nice senior apartment that is part of an assisted living community.  She constantly makes comments about how she is "being punished" by living there.  Nothing there is good enough for her, even though it is honestly so much nicer than the house she lived in alone before. 


Death anniversaries are the worst for my mom. She disregulates every year around the time her mother died, which was over 45 years ago. (This year she ended up being committed to a psych ward for a week.)  I'm sure this has something to do with her deep abandonment issues and inability to deal with emotions. 


I also struggle with seeing my mom.  It spins me out and my concentration and focus suffer after even a short visit.  I literally get dizzy after seeing her.  Covid has actually been a welcome relief because I can't visit her due to where she lives.  But even before Covid, I had started seeing and talking to her less, and it made me feel better/happier.  The guilt is there, but I am finding that I can deal with that better than I can deal with the physical and emotional fall out of spending too much time with my mom. I've also come to realize and accept that no matter how much time I spend with her, or what I do for her, it will never be enough.  Not enough for her, or enough to rid myself of feeling guilty.  So I encourage you to enjoy your month away.  It sounds like it will be a welcome break! 

Also I second Methuen's advice not to respond to every text.  That one single change has saved me so much heartache and anxiety.  I never respond right away, and I am selective about what I respond to.  If she asks me a question, I'll answer.  If she is ranting at me, or trying to guilt trip me, I ignore it or wait for a while (maybe even a day or two) to respond.