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Title: making it ok to express feelings, without lashing out Post by: incadove on June 20, 2020, 08:02:07 PM So - probably like a lot of folks here, I mostly come here when I'm feeling some pain for some reason. one dd just told me that she is not sure if she wants a relationship with me; but this I think should be ok with me - its an honest expression of something she's feeling inside. I don't think that an expectation of 'well I sacrificed for you and I parented for you and felt strongly for you so you should feel a certain way' makes logical sense. To have a relationship its necessary to express real feelings, and someone with bpd or abandonment is sometimes going to feel that, that maybe because of some kind of hurt they have to cut off the relationship. So I think it is ok to express that. I'd rather have her say so than just stop responding. So that is my thought for now, is to try to be at a place inside where I have my own peace and i can express the caring that I can still have, even if another part of me can't enter into a close relationship with someone who might just cut it off, I can still care for this person who is in a lot of pain but maybe isn't capable of reciprocating a relationship right now. I just wanted to share that thought, because it makes me feel better myself to express it! For me the most important thing is honesty, to not lie to anyone, and also not try to harm someone and not have them try to harm me. most other things are negotiable, that we are just different people with different values or feelings. and before, I did have a different expectation of responses, but I've tried to let go of that and accept who we really are and how we really feel right now - at least when i can, I go up and down! Thanks all for being here - listening to each other is really like helpful to me. Title: Re: making it ok to express feelings, without lashing out Post by: incadove on June 20, 2020, 08:35:46 PM (in this case, I think it was some variation of, 'if you loved me you would have responded by doing X, but you did Y, so that means you don't really care about me, so I have to break off the relationship'. ) So that's the thing, I'm often not going to do what dd might want me to do (or what other people I'm close to might want me to do!) and then its like her choice, how to respond to my choice to do or not do something. I guess that's what boundaries are about.
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