BPDFamily.com

So I posted about my situation about a month ago, and I'm now about two months out from the discard. I was in a 9 year relationship with an undiagnosed quiet BPD type. She fits 6 of the 9 diagnostic requirements just from the exterior. From my perspective, our relationship was pretty good. She was loving (codependent lol, clingy but it made me feel good) sweet, kind and caring. There were a few red flags over the years that I ignored and shouldn't have, and I definitely walked on eggshells around her I realize retroactively. She had fairly severe anxiety, a history of eating disorder, horrible self esteem, some self harm, and probably some depression and recognized she resented people and pushed them away.

My world came crashing down around 4 months ago, when I found evidence that looked like she was actively cheating on me but confessed (likely a partial confession...) to cheating "years ago." I was begged to stay, promised she would do anything, and she quickly within days turned into a different person. She was nasty, trying to flip everything back on me, still texting the guy I’d caught her texting and objecting to me not being okay with that,  incapable of taking any accountability and went into what I can only describe as a 6 week long psychosis. She was lying, gaslighting, manipulating, pushing me violently away and spent the 6 weeks starting a relationship with someone else before coming back to tell me she was "leaving to learn how to do things for herself and wasn't sure if she was in love with me." Never a mention of the new relationship, which was confirmed on social media within about a week. (I'd blocked her, prepared for the inevitable but actually had a family member who didn't know what happened ask me about it, so that was nice)

So that sucked, and sent me into realistically the darkest place I've ever been in. I've felt intensely inadequate, rejected, depressed and just hopeless since. Since the discard, she'd blamed me for her cheating (on not validating her, and when I disputed that it was because I called her cute more than hot) accused me of doing things she'd actually done, just the typical gaslighting to project their intense shame and guilt on someone else. It was like she was acting as if I was the one who'd just blown up our 9 year relationship effectively out of the blue.

We went effectively no contact, as she was incapable of communicating with me in a respectful manner. When I say she turned into someone else, it was like something had possessed her.

Now, I really am struggling. I'm having a horrible time separating who I thought she was, who she presented herself as over almost a decade from the girl who cheated on me, lied to me for 6 weeks, put me through a 6 week living hell and then left me for someone else, lying all the way out the door. I care about her so much, I feel so bad about her struggles and how she feels about herself. She hates herself. She's effectively been all I can think about 24/7 since, and it just sucks.

I struggle with blaming myself. I had not been as present mentally in the last 6-9 months, I've had a really rough year business wise and was very stressed out about legal stuff as well. I recognize now it made me not as present, and she did make a couple passing comments in the last 6 months or so that she "felt like I hadn't been as loving" and "I was annoyed by her." We never had an in depth conversation about it, I told her I would work on that and thought I did... When I think of that, I start panicking telling myself I ruined it. I then have an intense, overwhelming urge to try and fix it. I bounce back and forth, every day, between reminding myself because of the mental illness she suffers, she lacks object constancy and thinks in black and white and can only feel what she feels in the moment. She thrives off validation, and thats not ultimately love. Life and relationships have ups and downs, and a healthy life partner in it for the long haul will understand that and be there. She was never able to talk about it when I was stressed, and she admitted to me many times over the years that my stress made her stressed and overwhelmed. I have to remind myself she cheated on me, far before anything had occupied my mind, but I don't feel like I was the most present boyfriend in the last year and its a huge regret.

We went effectively NC, as she was incapable of communicating with me without being insanely angry and mean. I got a text from her about 10 days ago about a bill from our old home, and I was prepared for the crazy making. It came, she was cussing at me, angry, overwhelmed and I just reacted deliberately and without emotion to handle it. I got a surprise text the next day, an apology for how she spoke to me about it. That got the wheels turning... “maybe she’s back...” and I told her that meant a lot. She replied positively again, saying no I really mean that. Another nice text followed, telling me she hoped my business was going well. That got my mind really going, and I started joking around with her. We had a pleasant exchange back and forth, and I decided I wanted to invite her over to try and get her to cheat on the guy she left me for to get some kind of sick closure. She told me it’d be too overwhelming for her to see me right now, which I believe as I think I trigger her immensely at this point, but she said she needs a little time first. I manipulated it, validating her in my texts and she actually said she was really thankful for everything I did for her and apologized for not reciprocating.  Since, we’ve had the most pleasant exchanges since. She’s asked me for help with a couple simple financial things she could have easily gotten advice from her father on. I get some sick satisfaction out of knowing her new “boyfriend” probably wouldn’t be stoked with her communicating with her ex like that.

So, I’ve been in a really bad place since, just missing her and wanting her back at all costs. I know it isn’t good, but it’s like a drug: just once, what if it could work, etc. I had a better day today, accepting my narrative: she’s mentally ill, she’s incapable of being in a healthy longterm relationship and that’s why she did what she did. But then, it’s usually when I start blaming myself, I get this overwhelming urge to try and fix it and try... I know I need NC. It’s the only way. It’s just that the feelings of depression are so unbearable, and because they stem from not having her, my mind cannot for the life of me escape “just get her back and you won’t feel this way.” I hooked up with another girl, and that made me miss her more...

Would love some input on longterm ways overcoming the insane cognitive dissonance because two months out, it’s still severe.

Hi Erick1991 and *welcome*

Two months out of a 9 year BPD relationship is a rather short amount of time.  My BPD relationship was less than half of yours and two months out I was still a mess.  I had to treat contact with my BPD loved one like it was a drug and I was an addict.

In retrospect, there was a whole lot more going on, that made me react the way I did when my relationship ended.  But in the short term it helped to treat myself as if I was a recovering addict and I needed to break the addiction.  You might try this approach?  Get on some level footing before you start to try to unravel the cognitive dissonances.  It will probably be like peeling a great onion.

I hope this helps,

Best wishes,

Schwing