BPDFamily.com

Hiya!

I haven’t been on here for a couple weeks. Things always seem to go GREAT for 2-3 weeks and then we hit a high conflict period, and have a cycle.

After receiving some advice on here, I’ve been doing my best to keep our relationship as conflict-free as possible. It’s the only way we have a shot in hell as breaking these cycles.

That being said, I did want to ask for some advice on what to do when they enter the “woe is me” mentality. I find he is quick to blame himself for a lot of things, or if he makes a genuine mistake, he’ll take it to the extreme and start saying what a terrible person he is and how he always messes up. He goes HARD into victim mode and it leaves me feeling frustrated and also a bit manipulated.

It’s hard to solve a conflict in a healthy way when the other person is making you feel guilty for THEM feeling like a terrible person. I just don’t really know how to react when this happens. I feel like I need to comfort him, but it also leaves me feeling resentful that I have to comfort him and tell him “it’s okay. It’s not that bad” when he messes up. Can anyone else relate?

It goes beyond conflict- today he was whining and moping about feeling SO depressed and tired. When I suggested he drink water; eat lunch; get some fresh air; come take a walk with me; ANYTHING to improve his mood, he stubbornly said no and preferred to just complain. He called me a few hours later and said he went to shoot hoops and SURPRISESURPRISE, feels way better after some exercise.

Anyway, I’ve also allowed myself to take on the role as “rescuer” (my codependent self loves to feel needed  :help: :hi:) but I think sometimes I’m not helping. I don’t know how to be supportive while also letting him solve his own problems. What can I say when he enters “woe is me” mode? How can I support him while also letting him find his own solutions/process his own feelings? How can I be validating without enabling?

Sorry if those are loaded questions. Thanks everyone for reading!

as i mentioned in your other thread, stopping the bleeding was important.

youve done that. youve sustained it. now may be the time to dig into learning a new style of conflict, and focusing on conflict resolution.

youre going to have conflict. and, frankly, there are lots of couples that fight more than average. what keeps a relationship alive is how conflict is resolved, and whether the two parties work to be on the same page.


as a starting point, i would accept that maybe he just wants to complain, wants someone to listen, and isnt seeking advice. what do you think?

I agree with that! I think I am quick to try and rescue or offer solutions, when he really just wants some support while he finds the answer himself.

My H really prefers that I rephrase what he says and then validate whatever of it I can without trying to solve the problem first.  Years of dealing with older relatives with dementia has me at pro levels of this. Example: “So, mom, you saw a woman in your bedroom at 2am holding a baby? That’s very distressing”.

She hears: “I am validating you’re distress. I don’t think you’re crazy.”
I think: “My mom is having psychotic episodes. That is factually distressing as hell...”

She doesn’t feel invalidated and I haven’t said anything that yields to her distorted perception of reality so hopefully we can move forward at least kind of together.

But it’s tough with my uBPDH when he wants me to be open about things I’m unhappy about but whenever I do he goes into such a shame spiral that I have to comfort him when I was the one initially expressing discomfort. Then he wonders why I don’t want to talk to him about serious stuff. Then he finds a way to blame his distress on my family (or whoever else is convenient) and I’m like “buddy, no”. But then he feels invalidated so was rinse repeat

paperinkart.. might want to read my thread.  Married to my BPDw of 16 years.  They will eat your soul.  I might be sour right now but she was the same way.  After she did something awful to me and couldn't explain it away or blame it on me, she would do the "I am so awful, why would you want to be with me?" then a few weeks later do something else outlandish.  Realize that there is no cure, especially if they won't go to counseling. 

You cannot and should not be their counselor.  They will use you as an emotional punching bag.  It wears on you, it wears on a person to devote their life to one person who just acts like they don't care and are so self-absorbing.  I know why they do it, it's a mental illness but you have to take care of yourself and put yourself number one.  How does it feel when you only get back a sliver of what you give him?  I'm not trying to be mean just that you have to be mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted with this.  How long have you been married?

Just a reminder that the number 1 rule on this thread is “no run messages”.

While I appreciate the feedback and sympathize with your situation, I am hopeful for a solution or a way to ease these cycles. We have made a lot of progress already, and while we still have a long way to go, I am happy to stay and continue working through it.

Setting boundaries around my emotional well-being is my responsibility so that my soul is not “eaten”. Yes, it can be exhausting and I am not naive to the challenges BPD can bring. I get a lot of love, fun memories, and fantastic adventures in return, as well as gratitude for my support. Maybe we’ll figure it out and maybe we won’t but I’m choosing to stay put for the time being.

 Again, I am very sorry that you’re struggling as well and hope you can find peace and comfort soon.

something i heard at a young age that always stuck with me: there is research that suggests people bond best over talking about stuff they hate. complaining.

the downside? you can come off as a total downer. people dont like too much negativity or whining.

for some folks, thats just their style. they like to complain. its one way of connecting to others.

i dunno if your boyfriend just "likes to complain", whether thats his style. or maybe its situational...i get home from work, i unload by bitching about work  *)

its a pretty common (not good or bad) tendency to take someones complaining as a request for help or advice. its one i tend to fall into a lot in my life. and the tendency is to get frustrated, maybe resentful, maybe even rejected, when a person doesnt take our advice.

being an emotional leader or caretaker doesnt mean you need to (or can) manage someones moods, or that theyre a reflection of you.

having a bit more context would help. there could be something more behind the complaining, or not.

I am wondering if you have ever heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle?   here is a link to get your started and of course Google has more.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

Stephen Karpman M.D came up with this way of describing how conflict is resolved (or not resolved)  a long time ago.   He describes three roles that people tend to get stuck in.  

1) Rescuers

The stance of the rescuer is “Let me help you!” Rescuers work hard to help and caretake other people, and even need to help other people to feel good about themselves, while neglecting their own needs or not taking responsibility for meeting their own needs.

Rescuers are classically co-dependent and enablers. They need victims to help and often can’t allow the victim to succeed or get better. They can use guilt o keep their victims dependent and feel guilty themselves if they are not rescuing somebody.

In terms of derailing resilience, rescuers are frequently harried, overworked, tired, caught in a martyr style while resentment festers underneath.

2) Persecutors

The stance of the persecutor is “It’s all your fault!” Persecutors criticize and blame the victim, set strict limits, can be controlling, rigid, authoritative, angry and unpleasant. They keep the victim feeling oppressed through threats and bullying.

In terms of resilience, persecutors can’t bend, can’t be flexible, can’t be vulnerable, can’t be human; they fear the risk of being a victim themselves. Persecutors yell and criticize but they don’t actually solve any problems or help anyone else solve the problem.

3) Victims

The stance of the victim is “poor me!” Victims see themselves as victimized, oppressed, powerless, helpless, hopeless, dejected, and ashamed, and come across as “super-sensitive,” wanting kid glove treatment from others. They can deny any responsibility for their negative circumstances and deny possession of the power to change those circumstances.

A person in the victim role will look for a rescuer, a savior, to save them (and if someone refuses or fails to do that, can quickly perceive them now as a persecutor.)


what tends to happen is we get stuck on the drama triangle moving back and forth between one or two roles.    nothing gets solved.    what we get is drama.

what needs to happen is we need to find ways to move to the center and off the drama triangle.

to move from Rescuer to Caring.    from I'm helping/fixing to I'm listening and reflectively coaching.

what do you think?