BPDFamily.com

It would be really helpful to hear from anyone who has left a relationship with kids.  

My partner has BPD.  I'm planning to leave soon.  I've not announced anything because I've read and received advice not to and previous attempts brought on suicide attempts.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I know its right he is abusive, yet I still have this rock in my stomach from fear.  Why do I feel guilty and concerned to leave when its what I want and know its for the best?   And he treats us badly...it's so frustrating.

He has an influence on the kids and I worry they will not come with me (fear) / he will hold them back.  We live walking on eggshells a lot of the time.  He uses the kids to get at me a lot of the time.

I feel sneaky but don't want to cause the kids distress too early. I've been planning with advice from a keyworker, friends, coach.  We also live with his mother, I have not told her, but she is fully understanding and exacerbated with his behaviour.  

I fear how bad things will get before they get better,  and the effect this will have on the kids, this has held me back so far.

Any advice from those who have got through this would be amazing.

thanks

Hey Umbrella2, I admire your determination to leave.  It's normal to fear change, yet change is also where greater happiness can be found, I've discovered.  If you're like most of us Nons, you probably have codependent tendencies, because you sort of have to be a caretaker to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  It's time to put yourself first.  You're not responsible for the well being of another adult.

Agree, it's hard when kids are involved, yet they probably already know on some level that something is wrong.  They may even welcome the idea of leaving.

You can expect him to attempt to manipulate you, possibly through the kids.  Those w/BPD employ F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to twist your arm to get you to do something.  I suggest that you decline to be pressured in this fashion.  Usually those w/BPD are just bluffing to get your attention and cooperation.

I suggest you do what's right for you and your kids.  Don't let him talk you out of it.

LuckyJim

Umbrella2, welcome to the group. You're in the right place to be asking those difficult questions.

It sounds like you've been in a similar situation before, but this time you're trying some new strategies (not announcing you're leaving ahead of time). Good job looking back on the past and making some changes for the future.

How old are your kids? Regardless of ages, I think you're doing the right thing (even though you mentioned feeling "sneaky") to do your planning with trusted adults instead.

Has your partner been physically abusive before? Many people here work on "safety plans" before they leave an abusive relationship (abuse of any kind, not "just" physical). Typically, if you call a DV hotline, they can help you put together some really specific details and ideas to keep you and the kids safe. What I've heard is that leaving can be a dangerous time in a disordered relationship -- and it seems like that's on your mind right now.

You deserve kudos for reaching out here to get support for you and your kids at this time. Please post whenever you feel like it -- we're here for you! I'd also encourage you to check out some other members' posts, too -- if I'm remembering correctly, "Reawakening" recently left her partner and took her daughter with her. She might have some threads over on the "Detaching" board, too. You'll find a lot of people here in similar situations; you're not alone.

kells76

HI,

I don't have tips to offer but I am in a similar boat. I left with my kids a week ago after a threat  of violence and I am in a hotel room. I have support from family and friends and go through ups and downs. I have a restraining order against him waiting to be served. I am scared of the court dates and everything ahead of me. I am happy to share my learnings as I go and be of support if I am able to you. good luck

Perhaps I can rephrase your question so it is less distressing?


Do you see the difference?  (1) You have kids.  (2) You need to leave the adult relationship.  Your better perspective is that these are somewhat separate matters.

The difference is that you are not leaving the kids behind.  A marriage can fail but you are still a parent.  Sure, the other parent may insist or demand you leave the kids behind and yes that may happen short term due to a variety of circumstances that may be beyond your control, but not for the long term.  Separation and divorce through the court process almost always results in you being able to both leave the adult relationship and still be able to parent.  It will still be hard to get the best (or "least bad") outcome, but you will probably end up with more parenting than you fear.

That's such a good question, Umbrella2. You can use this emotion, even though it's a horrible emotion to feel. You mention feeling fear when it comes to the kids. How old are they? Do they fear their dad?

I'm glad you have support from friends and a coach. It's normal to feel sneaky and while it's unfortunate you can't discuss your plans openly with him, he hasn't shown himself to be trustworthy.

Tricky situation with your MIL, and living with her. When you do leave, how do you think she'll respond?

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," are two books I read when debating what to do.  The Too Good books walks you through a number of scenarios that end with a series of questions for the reader intended to stimulate your thought process in arriving at an informed decision. 

I'm realizing, the BP has the tools to plan the chaos going forward and therefore has the control in a weird sort of way.  Us "nons" are almsot always in a constant state of deflection, reaction and loss of control.