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I have been searching for 'closure' and answers for almost a year and a half, now. I've made a lot of posts here and in other places, trying to decipher my ex's behaviour, and thought a lot of it was my fault, which led to a lot of depression and anxiety.

Earlier this week, I was sorting through old files on my laptop. As my ex and I went to uni together, I'd often help her with her work. There were some essays in the folder that I hadn't seen before... I guess I just had no real need to read them, because I was focused on my own work.

One of these was an essay about emotions/attachment. It was a very personal reflective essay, which was the task we had been given at the time - I remember writing about a bereavement, for example. We often had very personal tasks, I remember writing one about my childhood trauma, too.

My ex had written a detailed account of her childhood and teenage years, as well as a relationship she'd been in. She'd written in great detail how she fears abandonment, and how she constantly points out flaws and imperfections in people that she's with, and acts irrationally with them. To be honest, I was shocked at the detail and clarity with which she wrote this all. I have never known her to talk with such honesty when it came to feelings.

I think that for me, this placed me in a strange place. For a long time I was convinced that I MUST have said or done something wrong to have received all the treatment I had from her. When she exploded with anger, I felt I must have caused it in some way. But... after seeing this essay, written by her about herself... it has nothing to do with me. I have no idea how I was unable to see this, before. I imagine because of my codependency, it's hard for me to trust myself and my opinions.

I feel as if seeing this has given me some sense of closure, or an 'answer'. I had no idea she was so self-aware about these things. I also see how manipulative she was at the end - blaming me for it all, when she knew that she had created these issues. I feel a sense of sadness that I was so wrapped up in the 'fog' that I believed everything she was telling me.

I feel quite strange to be honest. I suppose this is the only space I can talk about this issue freely. I know now that there's nothing I could have done to stop her acting like that, and that whoever she goes on to be with, she'll do the same things to. So, it wasn't me. I am enough as a person and good enough, and didn't deserve that.

One possibility to consider. 

Her emotions heavily influence "what she knows".  So it's possible that during the time writing an essay that she was "more centered" which allowed her to have insight into "how she operates/thinks/feels".

During the times you felt manipulated, it's entirely possible her emotions were out of control and fully in charge.

We'll never know for sure...but something to consider.

I'm curious about what you've learned about yourself by being in this relationship? 

Best,

FF

Hi FF,

I agree - she would have been acting based on emotion and not logic. Similar I suppose the way codependency causes certain behaviours when consumed with emotion. Either way, I think it was enough for me to see that essay - I was convinced that she was unaware of these things.

I have learnt that I am indeed codependent. For many years I was frightened to admit that to myself. I went to my first CoDa meeting earlier this week, and it felt like a true relief to be there and to admit that I have a lot to work on.

I've also learnt that my boundaries were very weak back then, and that going forward I must work on keeping healthy ones.. which I've managed to do so far.

And also really that life is about more than relationships! :)

Hi Clvrnn

Good to hear from you and the essay giving some new form of evidence that it wasnt about you as it felt was made out to be at the time.

I often feel at this point often surprised at new relevations that take place. Part of it I believe is less stress allowing less erratic and emotive driven processing that had been more of the theme during and just after.

There is always going to be some cross talk going on between logic and emotive centres of the brain though, to what extent one might over ride the other at any given moment in time? I have no idea.