BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. I knew my partner has severe avoidant attachment issues but just recently realized he would actually qualify for BPD. I’m a therapist and specialize in couples (go figure) so unfortunately I’m too aware and to an extent empathetic to what he is going through. My problem is I’m struggling with the extent that he pushes me away when he distances and not knowing how to respond. He is the type that actually follows through with leaving so me setting a boundary that doesn’t involve me being ok with divorce is almost useless.

The first three months of our relationship was good besides for him distancing by throwing a fit anytime I mentioned an ex. He went off for a month long training for military and during that time he convinced himself he didn’t feel the same toward me and resulted in us breaking up. That separation lasted four months until he realized I wasn’t going anywhere. We slowly made progress to living together, getting married legally, wedding planning, and just purchased a large home (closing in less than a week!). This of course came with plenty of arguments in which he thought about or threatened to leave but none actually went anywhere. I also made sure to ask multiple times for each that that these steps forward (toward more intimacy) were ones he wanted to take and he moved forward each time. We have now been legally married since last September and everything is at risk. What I’m assuming triggered it: just got told he’s going to be forced to deploy in January, we had to push our actual wedding off due to Covid (seemed ok as we both agreed on that), we were going to start family planning around end of this year which would likely be affected by the deployment, our forever home purchase closing in a week, and I am back on the East Coast visiting my family and he was supposed to come in another week and a half. He told me that he was sad about the deployment and putting off our children and suggested we go back to couple therapy. By the next day or so he was completely convinced that he wanted to be separated because he was unhappy and we fight a lot. He also said he was fine and accepted being alone forever, not having kids, will make sure I’m taken care of, and does not want to do the work to get better. I also found out later by asking that he went on 3 dates in less than a week and slept over (said they did not have sex) one of their houses. I did get him to stop going on dates but is adamant he is still proceeding with divorce. I know he needs me to be a stable, assuring base for him as BPD people struggle with object permanence (not physically together = abandonment). My question is how can I do that when he is cold, doesn’t want to meet or talk, is adamant he wants the divorce and is making plans for how it will play out, how do I respond? He has now begun saying it doesn’t make sense for me to stay in our new large house (my name is on the title but I don’t qualify for the loan). Any suggestions? Where I struggle is that he is self-sabotaging so much that he doesn’t respond to me not responding. Help!