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Alright, so we ended another split cycle. We talked it over and I really worked hard to listen effectively to him and validate how he was feeling, even if it was a bit hard to hear.

We went 5 days of silence this last time. I think both of us are just emotionally tapped out. He feels like the “energy is off” between us and I get that. He said that I have made it easy for him to keep pushing me away and coming back, since I never sway. What I see as effective support with BPD, he sees as me being a pushover and letting him come and go as he pleases.

He says that he knows I’m scared and he can see I’m hurting when he does this, and he feels so shameful but can’t stop himself from doing it again when things get tough.

He did say something today I hadn’t heard before and thought was interesting: we talked about the dynamic between two people. He believes that once you interact with someone one way, that’s ALWAYS how you’re going to interact. He says that he’s a different person around his ex-wife and even though they’ve been divorced for 4 years, when they talk, he feels himself reverting back to the “old” him. He feels like he wants to change so badly and become a better person, but he feels like we have this dynamic that makes it easy for us to fall back into our old patterns.

I completely agree. We both feel like it’s one step forward and one step backward. I tried to tell him that I see the positive changes in him every single day, and that he’s a completely different person from the one I met 2.5 years ago (in a good way). But he was adamant that he doesn’t think you can change this pattern, and that it’s too easy to keep going backward. I finally said that nothing changes unless you work to change it, and I think that hit him.

Anyway, he softened up after a little bit. We both agreed that we were tired of feeling this way. And I totally see where he’s coming from. We both just want things to be easy, lighthearted and fun. We want to stop having all this relationship drama.

I keep thinking about the advice I got from Once Removed on this board who said it was necessary to “stop the bleeding” (aka stop the conflict, if we wanted a shot at making this work). To me, stopping the bleeding means no more arguing from me and not letting my anxiety control my outburst or pick fights with him.

I decided to make him a deal: we would try to have 30 Days of Fun. If we can’t make it 30 days, I told him I’d finally stop doing this dance and we could go out separate ways (not in a threatening way- but more of like “I’ll finally let you go if that’s really what you want”).

He was happy with the idea of 30 Days of Fun. To me, it basically means 30 days of no arguing, no matter what, and to generally just be as lighthearted and energetic as possible. I know it’s obviously not a sustainable, long-term solution, and we are going to eventually have to figure out how to have healthy conflict. I also know it may just be beating a dead horse or trying to save a dead relationship, but I’m determined to give it one last good shot.

If things feel better after 30 days, then I’ll know there’s hope. And if not, then I can say I tried my absolute best!

This is a really great idea. Knowing when to call it quits is the hardest thing in the world. The sense of guilt and fear for your partner is so strong. I really hope it works out for you and if it doesn't, at least you can move on with a clear conscience. Let us know how it goes