BPDFamily.com

It's been 5 months since we broke up and almost 2 months since we went NC (that was soon after I met him, had another of those 'back in love' days, and was told -again with a complete lack of empathy- that he was seeing other people and that I 'should have done the same').
We had a brief conversation some three weeks ago. He owes me money and I politely reminded him to do something about it.  I need to be blunt: I knew that he was looking forward to an occasion to put all the blame on me. He was already over his moment of excitement and renewed freedom and he was filled with frustration. He told me that I had enjoyed watching him lose everything, and that he never wanted to hear from or see me again. 'Devalued, at last', I guess. I feel neither desperate nor angry. What I am left with are an ongoing love, an ongoing pity, and the awareness that he is ill.

I tried to focus on myself, but as the days go by I cannot help realizing that my current situation cannot contribute, and can actually undermine my healing process. I have never considered going back to my home country, and here I am. My family has never been supportive or empathetic and, as an adult, I see this even more clearly. My friends and acquaintances have their own lives and struggles (from problematic relationships to drug abuse). The icing on the cake: it's terribly difficult to go back to such a patriarchal society after years of feeling relatively safe and valued.

Yesterday was particularly tough. I went out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. He behaved dreadfully...and I could do nothing but watching my friend being mistreated. I tried to talk to her and she just told me, 'this is how things are here. We're fine, don't try to change the world'.

I was on the verge of calling my ex, but I didn't do it. Still, the only thing I have in mind is 'my relationship might have become toxic, but reality is even worse. He was the only good thing in my life, in spite of it all, and now I am lost.'

The positive thing is that I am starting to realise that, even if I've always refused to admit it, I've always believed that he was the only chance for me to get rid of a painful past and an unhealthy environment. The bad thing is that I don't know how to deal with this awareness...

Sending  :hug: :hug: your way, red leaf. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. The end of a relationship can be difficult even under the best of circumstances. But when you feel lost without a healthy support system, it’s worse.

I’m afraid I don’t have personal experience to share. But I want you to know you’re not alone. You have support here. I’m sure others will jump in to help.

As for your non-virtual life, do you have any hobbies? Interests? Sometimes getting involved in new activities can not only give you something to do you enjoy, but it can also lead to new friendships and connections.