BPDFamily.com

Wish I knew where to start.
I am looking for listening partners to share our stories, without judgement ofcourse.
I am a 55 year old woman married to a man who has symptoms and has been diagnosed with PTSD complex and BPD and a whole host of other co-morbidities..
We have been struggling to keep our relationship alive for eight years. Our most obvious reason for our motivation to stay together is our eight year old daughter. I have not shared a bed with my husband for all these years.
After reading some usefull infomation on the BPD Family website I am trying to work out if my husband and I share the same core values. It is hard because he displays two very different personality states, he appears to have windows of rational calm thinking where he is understanding his thinking is causing his distress and wants to change it. On the other times he is stuck in extreme black and white thinking with ridgied belief that their is nothing he wants to change about his thinking saying "there is nothing wrong with my thinking". What it seems to me is that he is mostly in the triggered state of high arrousal.
I have learnt from Compassionate Communication and validation skills to help him to calm down somewhat.
At the moment I am in need of TLC because my husband recently attempted suicide and  I have very little emotional support. I am heavily triggered by my daughters struggle to address her own fear and pain of unmet needs for fathering ( as my husband, her father is so engrossed in his own pain that he is not present to her or even aware of her needs)
I sometimes think that It would cause less harm to distance ourselves from him altogether.
How and where have you found support for your emotional challenges?

Hello Sunflowers. So much of what you say sounds familiar. My girlfriend has attempted suicide on multiple occasions. It's both terrifying and exhausting. Talking someone down from suicide is one of the worst experiences of my life. And thinking about suicide and depression constantly, worrying 24/7 and being in a constant state of high stress is taking its toll on my health.

I've spent the last three years encouraging her to reach out to friends and family, to seek therapy, to exercise, and telling her how great she is. I genuinely thought she was making progress but, after recent suicide attempts, I realise perhaps it was just going through the motions to make me happy. I've come to the realisation that only she can make the situation better with some deep soul searching. I know she's a wonderful person under all this. She just needs to realise it for herself.

I'm genuinely hurt that she has put me through so much and refuses to try and get better for me. Every time she threatens more suicide, it angers me. I'm hurt that she doesn't care about the impact it'll have on me. I'm hurt that she doesn't care about my feelings. I've been finding it increasingly hard to hide that anger and conversations now are strained.

I know I have to remove myself from this situation. It's tough, feeling like you are the only person that can 'save' the person you love. But I've realised I can't. It has to come from her. I don't know how to get out of this situation safely, without anyone getting hurt. But I realise that it's the only way. Staying is making us both miserable and I can't go on.

I know it's hard. But life doesn't have to be miserable. If someone doesn't love you enough to seek the help they need, then you shouldn't feel obliged to support them indefinitely. You've stuck it out eight years. You deserve your own life too.

I've found support in seeking professional help myself. It's allowed me to explore my motivations behind staying with my girlfriend despite being put through hell every day. I would very much recommend it.