BPDFamily.com

First time on this site. We're engaged, have been together 2 years and own a house together. She is highly verbally abusive and humiliating in her comments to me, my 2 teen kids and my ex-wife. Also she complains about all sorts of slights after we've had my friends over for dinner for example. Definitely a pattern here. She has some delusions and paranoia. Frequent mood shifts. I've learned about splitting, devaluation, etc. Total lack of empathy (which even she has admitted). All of this has gotten worse during SIP.
Here's some examples of verbal abuse:
--Told my kids she hopes they die.
--Said if they got into a crash on the bridge she'd have a smile on her face.
--Calls them animals, savages, disgusting, f'ing disrespectful, delinquents, loiterers, interlopers, idiots, not people, sh*ts, a**holes, and so on.
--Calls my daughter a stupid f'ing whore to her face.
--Says my son has no f'ing balls.
--Claims my kids don't live in the house.
--Picks fights all the time with my kids (claims they did not say hello or goodbye in the right way at the right time, for example).
--Says my ex is a prostitute, whore and -- get this - a murderer. Has said it multiple times with complete conviction. She says she can prove my ex is a murderer since she saw facts on the internet. (fyi she has never met my ex). This is a complete delusion.
--She told my daughter that her mother (my ex) is a murderer and prostitute.
--Threatens to move out and to throw me out of the house.
--Says she is working with her and our mortgage broker on a plan to get me out of the house. (neither of them knew anything about this).

This is just some of what we are dealing with. At first I would argue back -- after all, who would not defend their kids, ex, etc. from such harsh insults? But having read a few books and sites like this one, I now know better how to mitigate the situation when she gets close to erupting.

Question: is there hope?

Hi and welcome.

Sure there is hope.  We have seen even some very bad situations take a turn for the better over time and with a lot of work. 

You mentioned you now know how to mitigate the situation.  what sort of things are you doing and how do they help?  Can you tell us more about what causes a dysregulation?  How often are your kids around her?

I hope you share more info.  The more you tell us, the better we can support and perhaps guide you.

In the meantime, feel free to jump into other threads, read, ask questions.  We all support each other here so you are in a good safe place.

Take care.

Before I knew she had BPD symptoms, my inclination had been to argue back against her mean insults and hate-filled abuse. Part of me thought a light bulb would go off in her head when she saw how damaging her words were and how we felt upon hearing them. But alas, this only served to pour more fuel on the fire, make her be even more defensive, put her in the victim role which is where she finds comfort, and so on.

Now I deflect and delay. I don't argue back, just nod my head or say "mmhm" or "I hear you." Then I disengage until she cools down. I show support if she is not "feeling well" with I/you statements.

We're back to a "zero state" of not fighting but I don't know where to go from here. Hoping some of the board participants can help me with some advice or tips. Thank you.

Hi all, still looking for any insights. thanks!