BPDFamily.com

Hello again,
I've spent a good many years debating when and how to divorce my wife. I've thought it over, and over-thought it, no doubt.

I have spent little thinking about how to tell my siblings and parents (and then in-laws and so forth).

I read Splitting with the "open letter to family" and that might be a good detailed follow up, especially if things start to get crazy.  But, I am looking for a way to let everyone know. It's easier to announce a marriage beginning, rather than ending.
I had, for a while, not wanted to tell my mom, who's sometimes in frail health.

But, it's getting time that I think my family should know from me, rather than the grapevine.

Email seems impersonal, but concise and non-emotional.  Phone calls would take longer than I want to invest in explanations.   Maybe I'll make a BIFF style email to everyone. I've always been the outspoken one in the family.

How did it go for others?

"Hey mom, I'm thinking of getting a divorce"
Mom: "Finally! You deserve to be happy"

"Hey sister, I'm divorcing"
Sister: "It was about time!  You should have listened to me 20 years ago"

"Hey dad, I'm divorcing"
Father: "Good.  We thought you had given up and would stay with her for the rest of your life"

You've divorcing a BPD, everyone likely knows... 

I have to agree with the Canadian on that one that's exactly what my mom said . If your like most caregivers and helpers you have most likely have spent much time and effort  trying to cover up for the BDP spouse . That time and effort was noticed by those close to you and they can see the impact it has had on your life more clearly than you or i can see it.

When my husband announced he was divorcing his then-wife, the family reaction was celebration.

The three adult children had been advocating for divorce for at least seven years.

As the others posted, family already know the dysfunction exists, the only question is when.

I recall two events after our separation.  My brother and his wife quickly came over to visit, first time in a long time.  You see, my newly removed spouse had blacklisted them, and others too, as her perceptions and accusations worsened.  If I'm not mixing things up, they gave me a little photo album with photos of me and my preschooler.  I think.  Seriously, those days my memory was a bit jumbled up.

All the congregation were so quiet, they didn't know what to say.  One family was so precious, they had the nicest children.  The father reached out and invited me to their humble apartment for a very simple meal.  The landlord never maintained the apartment, paint high on the walls was peeling everywhere.  He apologized for its condition.  I corrected him, his home was special, his family had peace and love.  That was the most simple yet memorable meal and it has a special place in my heart.

If you are going to do a mass letter, or even a series of personal letters (or emails), I would suggest putting a sentence in there about "what you need from people".

"It would mean a lot to me to hear from people and be be able to catch up about non-divorce issues" (or something like that)

Best,

FF

Hi Sam,

One of my favorite names...this is a great post. I’ve wondered the same thing. I don’t have much family left, my sister across the country with whom I am mostly estranged, brought on and encouraged by my uBPDH.  Totally my fault and now that I’ve reached this horrific juncture in my marriage, many things have become clearer, but things like how a minor incident with her that I thought would blow over turned into years of no contact. I can see how it happened, what I can’t understand is how I didn’t see the manipulations that perpetuated it when they were happening.

I don’t think she would be the least bit surprised. I don’t know if she would be able to forgive me. I have mostly come to terms with that, although the finality of that I recognize will be hard.

But enough about me...I think the others are right. Your loved ones will probably already have an idea and will likely celebrate. I totally get the reveal being exhausting, so from my untrained eye I would share what you’re comfortable with, maybe even let them know in the future you may be ready to share more if they have questions, but for now you are simply making them aware and then let them know what you need — support and whatever space/no space.

I wish you the best... :hug:

ForeverDad,

This brought me to tears. The truest and sweetest thing.

All I want is peace and love.

My mother passed 30 years ago but she was an amazing person. She worked at a university and one of her colleagues was from another country and his wife unceremoniously divorced him and locked him out of the house (this was obviously like 35 years ago). He had no where to go, no family, no belongings. My mother helped him get an apartment and organized a “divorce” shower for him and everyone chipped in with dishes and bedding, etc. It was a sad turn, but ultimately his life greatly improved. I was a kid and I didn’t understand the crazy marital dynamic he had (I do now!), but the way everyone rallied and helped him stuck with me.

Bless you for sharing that story...it is reassuring and comforting that others can see what is truly valuable.

I don't think anyone was at all surprised in my situation, but we had been separated for awhile.

As I've related here before, the kids were just flat about it, and later asked questions and had more to say.

You all are so great!
I turned on the computer this morning ready to finally compose a long-dreaded email to the family.  I'm opting for email since I think individual phone calls would be too hard for me to navigate right now. And, as I had thought about it overnight, I got to thinking that I'll be fine. 

I am good at getting quotes slightly wrong, but maybe it was Mark Twain who said that some of the worst things in his life never actually happened. (me: I dread things more than they deserve).  Dr Suess "The people who mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind"

Add the above support you've given me, and I know I got this. 

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Nice timing.

Here goes!  Thanks again!

keep the email short.. don't justify.  I wouldn't even go in details otherwise you'll ramble and sound like the crazy one.  Unless they have been in such a relationship, they cannot understand what it's like to live with someone with BPD..

I found that it was hardest to tell the first few people, and then it got easier.  Once we say it out loud - or in writing - it seems more real and more natural.

My divorce didn't involve a personality disorder and did surprise a lot of people, but the vast majority were supportive and didn't try to pry for more details.

My mother showed up at my house three hours after I told her (she lived two hours away) and stayed for three days to make sure I was okay...so beware of that!

Exactly the same for me and they are all so happy. As am I but still have to tell our children and that’s the only difficult part

You may be pleasantly surprised how many people will understand with no explanation necessary why you are getting a divorce. However you feel comfortable saying you are getting divorced whether by email, letter, phone, in person, I would keep it short and not offer any explanations. Your wife might hear through the grapevine any explanation you might give, and use it against you to make your divorce as lengthy and miserable as possible. (You already know this, as you have read "Splitting...")