BPDFamily.com

We split up recently and still sorting out a few things before I go No Contact. It's been a very frustrating couple of weeks. Everyday she goes from a cordial email or text to absolutely hating me. Emotions are running very high. One of the latest challenges...we of course had many mutual friends throughout our 11 year marriage. My xBPD appears to be claiming "ownership" of some of those friends and has made it clear to me that as they live in her "hood" I am not to reach out to any of them - I believe it's yet another form of control. Throughout our entire marriage (with family and friends) SHE always told me who I could see, when I could see them and for how long. She managed to isolate me from my family early in the marriage. (They were all bad). I've since told her I have new boundaries (as I had none before - they were constantly being ignored and trampled upon). One of my new boundaries was that she was no longer going to tell me whom I was going to spend time with. She was absolutely raging about that today. It really makes me sad that at least for the first few years we had a very loving and caring relationship. I still yearn to have those feelings back but alas it will never be as a result of her BDP. I was also shocked to also find out on this site that the average number of times couples try to reconcile was at 7. We were at 3 times and I thought that was crazy! She seemed very sincere each and every time she charmed me back but the hurts, resentment, love/hate swings were worse and worse each time. I can't what one might have suffered trying to reconcile a 7th time.

Hi Skedge2100,

I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. It’s really difficult when a pwBPD are all over the map. She’s emotionally dysregulated and when a pwBPD are dysregulated it’s like they are flooded by their emotions and are impaired by their feelings and the their logical side of their brain is not operating at full capacity because it is guided completely by their emotional side of their brain. You can try the tools and if they don’t work then there’s nothing you can do.

BPD is like a high performance vehicle like driving a Ferrari but not knowing how to operate the breaks.

As a side you don’t always have to express your boundaries. If she’s does X then I will respond with Y. Moving forward I’d suggest that if you want to hang out with someone then go for it you don’t have to ask for let’s mission or disclose it just do it and if she doesn’t like it then let it be.