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I’ve been in the divorce process for a year.  The main thing that’s dragging it out is the parental alienation by my uBPDw.  I’ve stayed in the fight long enough that the professionals involved are finally seeing the truth and agreeing that the hostility from the kids with me is from her alienation.  My lawyer is going to draft an emergency motion, but one of the things we are not sure what do ask for is what to do with the kids.  She’s going to argue that they are being emotionally abused due to the direct alienation and purposeful poisoning of their minds against me. (my words, not L’s)  The GAL is convinced that if I am alone with the kids, because of the alienation they will immediately fabricate some sort of an abuse allegation against me and then we all have to deal with that and try to prove it. Which I agree is a very probable fear. So the GAL doesn’t want to leave them alone with me.  They have brought up the idea of foster care.  I hate the idea of my kids going into foster care, but in all honesty it’s better than what is currently going on. 

Has anyone else seen a similar situation?  One where they need to get the kids away from one parent, but don’t want to leave them with the other parent.  I don’t have many other suggestions and was wondering if someone else had an idea.

Wilkinson, I have no personal experience with this program, but I have seen Dr Craig Childress mention it on his site:

https://www.consciouscoparentinginstitute.com/reunification/

I wonder if you could at least do a consultation or intro meeting (like meeting with a few L's, for example) to get more info.


I get what you're saying; you can't just "cold turkey" plop the kids back into your life at this point. And in a way, it could be harmful to the kids if any one of them does make a false accusation. That is a lot of guilt for a child to carry later in life. That being said, your trajectory is slowly turning. There are professionals on your side who finally see the truth.


OK, time for creativity. Perhaps looking less at the specifics ("let's come up with a 75-25 schedule, Mom gets every 3rd weekend") and more at the general final decision making power is what to do. So, could the emergency motion cede to you all decision making power for kids' schedules and mental health? Would it even have to say exactly what, or just "Wilkinson retains 100% final say in physical custody and mental health decision making, with no requirement for consultation with xW"?

Something that gives you room to figure out what the kids need, without the time pressure to instantly have them back at your house 100%, which short term I get would be such a win but long term could be devastating.

How are your kids' relationships with your side of the family? Still healthy? Any of your kids have school friends with families that would be willing to take them in for a time?

There are some church/faith based programs (like https://safe-families.org/ ) that are basically temporary (like ≤2 weeks or so) non-"system" emergency foster care setups. The church vets families to provide temporary care for kids and the kids don't have to go in system. If you are comfortable with that idea you could check it out as an alternative to buy you some time.

Basically I would see the emergency motion as something that gives you broad, sweeping "emergency powers" that don't necessarily go into detail, but gives you ample room to decide 100% how things go for the kids, with no "asking xW if she is OK with it".

I can see the benefit of getting them away from her in order to undo the brainwashing and perhaps undergo some type of family therapy with you to repair your relationships.

The idea of foster care does sound scary. It would probably be less traumatizing if they could go to family or friends, but there may be a problem there with objectivity to the situation. They really need a neutral environment where your wife cannot harass them.

If this happens, would you have unsupervised or supervised visitation? What about your wife? Will there be a clear plan laid out for reunification with you as primary parent? Will there be action steps for both of you to take?

Does your lawyer think it will hurt your case if you ask for them to be placed outside the home? Or will the GAL present is a necessary temporary action to undo the damage caused by your wife?

They've been taught that my family is an extension of me and so they are to hate them as well.  My xW has engaged in splitting to the fullest extent.  I think I know a few families that might be impartial and willing to help.  I can ask.

Probably supervised?  Right now because of the false allegations, I can only see my kids through supervised visits. 

Foster care was originally brought up by the GAL to my lawyer.  I don't think, at the time, it was brought up as a serious suggestion, but really just a brainstorm idea to deal with the situation.

Right now, I'm struggling to come up with alternatives, I just want this nightmare to be over in the worst way.  There are a few therapeutic retreats for alienated parents and their kids to go to, but because of Covid, they have all moved to online therapy.  If we could go to one of those retreats, we'd have the supervision and hopefully by the end of it, we'd be past the threat of false allegations.

Some temporary period in foster, while doing supervised visits with you and family T should get things back to the point where you can start doing unsupervised and then get them back.

Be strategic...don't go for the quick victory.

Best,

FF

How would you prove you weren't abusive if/when the children made allegations?  You could have a security alarm system with video in the non-private areas.  Or nanny cams.  (Just don't install in bathrooms or probably bedrooms too so you don't get any privacy issues?)  I'm not sure but I think some will only record video and not audio?  Or is that just the rule for commercial sites?

Anyway, you could always walk with an audio recorder in your shirt pocket when around the children.  Years ago I had bought Olympus models but a few years ago I bought a high capacity audio recorder/player combo model (Sony, but today lots of off-brands available to choose from), the recording capacity was hundreds of hours and you could download files to your computer for archiving in case you needed to to dig up proof you did no wrongs.

I've seen video recorders built into shirt pocket pencams and who knows what else that could fit into the background.

I'm not advocating all this — I had bought mine for exchanges and calls with my ex — but these options if acceptable with GAL or lawyer may enable your parenting plus protection in a potentially hostile environment.

Remind me if any of this is documented -- any texts or emails from xW spewing stuff like "your parents are toxic to the kids, I can't believe you let the kids go with those people, they are abusive, blah, blah, blah".

I'm wondering if documentation of how she has painted your family black could be helpful in your emergency motion.

I'm picturing something like:

"xW has emotionally and psychologically abused the kids so severely that GAL asserts that they would perceive residing with Wilkinson, a warm, loving father, or even Wilkinson's parents, the childrens' own grandparents, as traumatic and dangerous. Due to the profundity of the abuse the children received from xW, and Wilkinson's care and concern for the wellbeing of his children, Wilkinson fully supports the GAL's recommendation for immediate removal of the children from the influence and physical care of xW. Wilkinson recognizes the childrens' need for a positive, healthy relationship with him, and to that end agrees to comply with the GAL's recommendation that the children be placed [in foster care, with school friends, in "Safe Families" program, etc] for X amount of time while a therapist [selected by Wilkinson] helps the children recover from the deeply harmful effects of xW's abuse, which induced them to believe Wilkinson and his family were dangerous and harmful."

Plus something about getting 100% decision making.

These are all good points and things to think about.  I'll take these suggestions to my lawyer.

Yeah... maybe the subtext I'm thinking of is something that insulates you against allegations of "See, even Wilkinson thinks he's bad for the kids... look, he'd rather put them in foster care than be with them". And we can all guess who would try that  :(

Just thinking that there must be a way to communicate, whether tacitly or explicitly, that you know your kids need you and need to be with you; that being said, you "reluctantly" agree with the GAL that it's "temporarily in the kids' best interests" to not be with you, as long as they're immediately removed from Mom.

I bet a L will be great at getting that kind of phrasing worked in there  *)

Maybe there is something that could be put in the order that while Wilkinson gets "custody" and "100 percent decision making" (for medical or other issues), children will reside with "X" for therapeutic purposes under the direction of GAL and therapist so that kids feel they are on "neutral ground", while the therapist works with them.

Wilkinson will spend time with kinds under the direction of the therapist and GAL as they are reintroduced into his life in a healthy manner.

I've thought about it more and while if "foster" was the only option, I suppose I wouldn't be against it...I'm much more of a fan of Wilkinson getting custody and Wilkinson deciding for the interest of his children to let them reside elsewhere.

Still not sure if that is "nuance" or a big deal.  Good stuff to think through.

Best,

FF

I think it would be preferable to be granted legal custody while the kids reside elsewhere for a time. My concern would be that if custody is not awarded to either parent, the kids would technically be wards of the state. This would mean that all decisions regarding the kids would be made by the state. Then there would have to be a clear path to regaining custody that may be harder to navigate than retaining legal custody while the kids live in another residence until therapeutic goals have been reached.

I'm on the same page -- really good question for the L: "Does it matter if I'm the one putting the kids in foster care, vs it being decided for me that they go into care?"

*cross posted with IAR; I'm with her on that too*

If the children do come live with you, would it be possible for someone else to move in to continue to "supervise" for a time?  Your mom or someone else?

If you were to allow them to live somewhere else, I'd want extremely concrete plans for what therapeutic interventions they will have and timeframes and milestones for moving forward to having them live with you.

Also extremely specific guidelines on what contact can be had with mom.