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Title: New to Spouse Diagnosed with BPD, feeling beaten, exhausted, scared and Alone Post by: Sage Refeal on July 29, 2020, 11:00:26 AM Hello, i have been married for 6 years, and have been with my wife for just short of 10 years. My wife has a brain injury from when she was 7 in a serious car accident. Originally her moods, anger, etc weren't to bad, they were manageable. After our first child things got bad quickly, her state declined very rapidly she has always had social anxiety and has always communicated she thinks my parents hate her( which she blames me for), She suffered some baby blues, after #1 child, then she wanted another child, at the time i didn't feel it was good idea due to her struggles with one and her brain injury making her energy less then average. But after many discussions and persistence we both agreed another child was an acceptable move. child # 2 was born 18 months after the first both girls. This is when my wife slide even more, now i experienced her "rage", and it was getting more common over more "petty" things to me anyway. She showed severe depression after what we think was a mis carriage which was "down played" and dismissed by the MD( my wife now after much failure doesn't trust the medical system)
I need help with validating her? she rages at me that " you are destroying our marriage " "you won't get help for your ADHD, your lazy, get your head out of your ass" " you always do this to me, you always set me up" " i hate you PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) you, i just want to end it" Yesterday i accidentally weed wacked a vine ( young 1 of 6 ), just clipped it with the string, total accident i thought i was far enough out, she found out well ! she called me at work and lost it raged right out. She went into how i do this all the time, and i do this to her on purpose. Using all the above comments listed. This is all over text at this point. i feel like i am in a total catch 22. i can apologize and take responsibility but she just throws it in my face. Our fights turn into circular fights, i used to believe her when she told me i was the problem and causing the circular fights, i now realize and try to prevent fights, and particularly circular ones, what i have discovered is when she rages, she doesn't remember events completely or differently, as to suit her emotions. Like in the book "Stop walking on egg shells". Title: Re: New to Spouse Diagnosed with BPD, feeling beaten, exhausted, scared and Alone Post by: RestlessWanderer on July 30, 2020, 04:31:40 AM Hi Sage, I know some of your frustrations well. I have heard the same things in times of rage. I was even urged to get help for my ADHD, now she claims that I only went so that I could get the prescription for her. I've been through the circular arguments too. I finally reali that there was nothing I could say that could end the argument. Through therapy I learned that my best approach at deescalating the situation was to simply walk away. Though that often instantly pushes her to the boiling point, it also helps to end the argument quickly. Many times she rebounds to a calm space rapidly if I disengage and don't let myself get triggered. It never fails that if I say something, anything back to her when she's raging it will often turn into something that she ruminates over for days.
Read though the tools here. They offer many solutions/tactics that may fit your situation. The forums are great for finding support and helping you realize that you are not alone. Many of us are going through the same thing as you. Title: Re: New to Spouse Diagnosed with BPD, feeling beaten, exhausted, scared and Alone Post by: pursuingJoy on July 30, 2020, 07:56:16 AM Sage Refeal, hi! :hi: Welcome to our board. Glad you've found us.
Like RestlessWanderer said, many of us are in your shoes. We get the circular arguments and blaming and rage. Your example of cutting one vine accidentally is a great example. Hopefully you'll find the support you need to find stronger footing. There are some really great tools I'm still learning to use. I can't change my H or make him stop dysregulating, but I can learn to deescalate conversations so they don't get quite as bad. I don't have to accept responsibility that isn't mine. I can find a measure of peace, and get support, and maybe even healing. You said you need help validating her? That might be a good place to start. Check out this article from our tools section: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating Let us know if it's helpful! More than anything, just know we're here. pj |