BPDFamily.com

Hi.

I do not really know where to begin. My relationship with my adult daughter has become beyond strained but there are so many factors at play it is like a lifetime movie.
To begin, she is not my biological child. We got custody of her when she was almost 7. Her bio mom abused, neglected, and hurt her in so many ways before we got custody. My husband, her bio father, is a recovering addict and in the beginning of my daughters life he was very much in his addiction. My husband and I are both products of abusive childhoods and were in foster care on and off. We have 3 other children besides her. When I met my husband we each had a child and then we had 2 more together.
Growing up my daughter was always a follower. She had a very hard time with who she was and was desperate for attention. I would bend over backwards to make her feel loved to the point that my younger daughter thought I did not love her. I just always assumed that she would know. I was always trying to make up for the fact that her bio mom was so sick and because I loved her differently I felt guilt. My love for her had to grow. I didnt grow her and birth her and I know that she sensed that but I always tried
About 6 years ago her father relapsed. He got hurt, pain pills, yada yada yada. It was a awful and retched time. He ended up in prison and I moved with the other 3 kids and she stayed behind in college where she had gotten a full ride. She was my biggest cheerleader when it came to moving. Anytime I started to get cold feet she would tell me I had to go. We lived in this tiny PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) hole town and I was barely making ends meet as a security guard despite having graduated college with honors the year before. The town was an economic PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)hole and my husbands bad choices were public knowledge.
Leaving was the best choice I ever made for myself and my other kids but my daughter fell into an abyss that she never told me she was in. However, she blames me for it. She dropped out of college after her grades plummeted and she was put on academic probation. She cycled through roomates and everything was always their fault. She would love them at first and then slowly it would fall apart and they would leave. Then she got a job and started dating the manager. She worked her way up to Gen manager but then kept having conflicts with her supervisors and has been transferred to 5 or 6 stores within the franchise because there is always and issue. She had one manager she absolutely idolized (and would talk non stop crap about me to) and begged to be transferred to her area but then that manager would challenge her and suddenly every bad thing that had ever happened was because of that manager, even our strained relationship. I believed her. She is my kid and I have on rose colored glasses. If you do anything other than agree with her she cuts you off and wont talk to you.
FF to now. Husband has been clean for 2 years. He has made amends for what he has done but he also understands the hurt and mistrust. I too had moments I am extremely ashamed of but they were never directed at my oldest daughter. My youngest 2 children received the brunt of what was my darkest moments. My daughter got pregnant by the manager and when we went up to see them their house was like something out of hoarders. One entire room was covered in cat PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). There was trash and dishes stacked to the ceiling. We offered to clean and took 5 of the 7 cats to a no kill shelter but we were met with anger at our offer like we were betraying her to say it needed to be cleaned. She also has a pit bull who is allowed to PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) all over the carpets because no one takes her out. Before the baby was born my daughter found a new apartment but she went into early labor. Due to covid I could not be there. She had preclamsia and it was really scary. . We went up the next week and my daughter confided in me that the bf had screamed at the baby to shut the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) up when her crying woke him on her second night home from the hospital. Giant red flag. My second daughter wanted to stay and help with the baby and they had rented an apartment with an extra room for her to come help. Then one night my older daughter texted me concerned about the baby She had bruising and my daughter sent me the pictures and I told her to go to the ER. I never suspected abuse but the hospital did. They said the bruising had to be caused by a person. My granddaughter was taken away and placed in fostercare. Fortunately one of my good friends is a licensed foster parent and agreed to take her. My husband and I cold not because we live out of state and because of my husbands record. At first noone believed he had put the bruises on the baby. We rallied family and her paternal step grandmother put up a 5 thousand dollar retainer for a lawyer. Then she started to pull away. Both my daughters did. My husband drove up the weekend my granddaughter was taken to be with our daughter and they sat him down and just unloaded all this stuff that they claimed I had done. Most of it was from my older daughter. My youngest daughter would call me and scream at me and they both dredged up so much. A lot of it was valid. I PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up a lot as a mom. I talked to my therapist a lot and I reached out and made amends. My older daughter asked that respect her boundaries and I did. Then my younger daughter got really sick and I was scared she had covid when test came back negative she called me and asked to come home. I left that weekend and drove and picked her up. My other daughter refused to see me. The car ride home with my other daughter is 9 hours and in that time I realized that much of what happened was her trying to stay safe while she was with her sister. If she did not agree with her she would be shut out. She also statred to wonder if I hadn't abused them and if she was just brainwashed by me but when I took ownership over my mistakes and was very honest in wanting to do what I could to help them heal she started to see the flawed reasoning. Plus my older daughter went to her god mother, who is my friend, and tried to turn her against me and told her about all the abuse and my friend was like "That is not abuse. Her telling you you can not come home of you fail out of college is not abuse. She is a good mom. She PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)s up, even my mom who everyone thinks is perfect PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up, get over yourself." but she said it in a way that was more diplomatic.
She was fine with her dad though. In the beginning it was just me because the boyfriend had convinced them I had called DHS and had the baby taken away. Not that the trauma doctor had seen the bruising and called but that I had. He even made threats to come after me. He eventually admitted to hurting the baby and my husband got angry. So, she went from not talking to me, to not talking to him, and refuses to see any fault with anyone else. My youngest daughter is scared to say anything because she doesnt want to anger her sister. We are all on egg shells. This last weekend my husband went up to get my our youngest daughters stuff and the apartment was again covered in PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) and dishes. My younger daughter had been acting as the maid. They had opened the door to her room and allowed their cats to destroy the room. However, my daughter offered to let them stay the night there and didnt understand why they wouldnt. No one would tell her it was because of the cat PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) everywhere.

I have apologized for things I have never even done in hopes of making amends. I recognize the abuse she did suffer at the hands of her bio mom and I know that a lot of what she feels is rooted in reality but a lot of it is not. She has had no long term relationships with anyone, especially females. It is my fault she has never been able to maintain a friendship. Anyone who tries to tell her she is making  a mistake is cut off. She puts people on pedestals until they call her on her PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) and then they feel her wrath. Before her fathers relapse she went to live with my inlaws and told them I had abused her. I have never abused her. I have yelled and lost my temper but out of all 4 of my children I have always been the most careful with her because of her history. My husband wants me to stop paying her phone bill, which I have paid since she was 16, because she wont talk to us. I dont want to give her more ammo as to why we are the worst parents ever. We have PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed up a lot but compared to my life hers had been perfect. I did so much better than my parents without any resources or help. Life without her is easier. It is easier when she wont talk to us and that makes me feel like PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). The other 3 kids are so close with us. We have a family chat that she wont even respond to anymore. She has cut everyone off. She talks PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about everyone. My oldest son was gonna clear out his savings to get her a lawyer but she talks crap about him. She alienates everyone and I am just tired of crying and trying. I just want to give up.I know I have made mistakes, I do. I have. My kids deserved better than what they got but it is not just me. It is anyone who tries to call her on her PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). I can fix myself all day long and she wont forgive me. I have fixed myself. I have done a lot of very hard work and I continue to do so. But she is PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing up my progress. I cut people off too. I cut off people who are sick and toxic like my mother who allowed me to beat me and abuse me. I know abuse. My husband knows abuse. I know showing up for picture day with a fat lip because I rolled my eyes at my dad and you know what, I have forgiven him. He committed suicide on my birthday and I PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing forgive him. He gave me a better life then he had and so he succeed.  She also hates her cousins and says their life has not been that bad even thought they have been homeless and my sister tried to kill 2 of them when she was manic. Her life is worse than everyone and I just cant deal with it anymore. I know I am an asshole.

Welcome Dzagmom,
Thank you for writing us.  We are here for you.

Hold up though- rule number one is for you to stop calling yourself names! I hear self blame( even hatred) and guilt through and through your letter and this is what I will address.   You are taking on the mistakes, actions and blame of other people  and beating yourself up with it all.
I challenge you to sit with these  for a while:

~Please know we all have made mistakes as parents.    If mistakes created BPD, we all would be diagnosed with it. (I am not sure if your daughter has been diagnosed, but it seems she has BPD traits).
~ Can you allow yourself some small victories - your three other children get along great with you.
~Your adult daughter is living independently of you. It is a mess, but ok.
~ You assisted in getting the baby to a safe place. 
~ You have worked on yourself, made amends as you could.  Are you still going to therapy?
Please consider putting yourself first and taking care of you step by step.  It is hard( we know) but we can walk the journey with you.